


Stronger Than the Waves

by MaxRev



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern AU, PTSD, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-21 08:09:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 60,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14911640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxRev/pseuds/MaxRev
Summary: “It’s a mystery of human chemistry and I don’t understand it. Some people, as far as the senses are concerned, just feel like home.” - Neil HornbyA tragic event changes Shepard’s life and he hopes to find peace by moving to a quiet coastal town.  After a night filled with doubts and torment, he throws a bottle into the ocean on a whim, a message inside. When he gets it back with a response, it comes as a complete surprise. Maybe starting over wasn't a bad idea after all...





	1. Adrift

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first MEBB as well as first long fic for ME ;)
> 
> A huge thank you goes out to my beta, **Humblydefiant** , for helping me and just being all around amazing and sweet - for putting up with my panic, my indecisiveness in continuing with this story as well as encouraging me when I doubted myself. I’m forever grateful I asked you to beta for me :) I also want to thank **Raiven-Raine** for her invaluable input on some military questions. You're the best!
> 
> The fabulous artwork for this story was done by my awesome art collab partner - [**Shotce**](https://shotce.tumblr.com/). Such an absolute joy to work with! I can’t begin to thank you enough for the beautiful art that's a part of this. It’s beyond incredible! My hat’s off to you and all of your hard work! Her stunning art can be found [**here**](https://shotce.tumblr.com/post/174940938342/my-second-author-for-the-mebigbang-was-the).
> 
>  **Azzydarling** , thank you for all you do for the MEBB! You rock!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You keep storing up all that anger and grief. Eventually it spills over. Or you drown in it - Leigh Bardugo_

He came to a halt at the end of the slatted wooden walkway. Dunes rose waist high on each side of him, extending far into the distance. Stirred by a mild cool breeze, tall beach grass danced to and fro in cadence with the ocean. The breeze stirred goosebumps on exposed skin and Jon just barely resisted the urge to burrow deeper into his worn black hoodie, soft from many washings.

Intense blue eyes full of immeasurable pain calculated the distance between the wide strip of light-colored sand to the ocean beyond.

The rhythmic motion of the waves was mesmerizing. They played a serenade for his ears alone, a sweet siren’s call meant to lure. It wrapped lovingly around him. Unconsciously, he swayed towards it, the dangers of the beautiful melody unheeded.

The walk had become a nightly ritual, always ending where wood met the sand, toes curling over the edge. Every night he found the magical pull of the ocean and its harmonies harder to resist. He'd lost everything, which had ever mattered to him. Why not just succumb to the pull?

Tonight, he would dare to cross a barrier he’d set for himself.

Gaze dropping to his side, anger and bitterness flared white hot inside of him. His hand, nerves damaged and only recently able to make a loose fist, held an ugly black cane, an artificial means to steady him. He hated walking with a cane. No, hate was too mild a word. He _despised_   being so weak he had to rely on a bit of cheap plastic to help him get around, to know he was no longer whole, to have a constant reminder of how his life had irrevocably changed -- it was hard to face.

The truth was, he couldn’t face it, didn't even want to try. No amount of therapy could fix that.

He’d nearly died from a bomb blast in service to his country. A bomb which killed his whole platoon. They’d been handpicked by Captain Anderson, only the best of the best, and now every one of them was gone - Anderson, Wrex, Grunt, Jenkins and more, many of whom he'd planned to get to know better - and the best friend anyone could ask for, the only true friend he’d ever had - Ashley Williams. Ashley would kick anyone’s ass if they were out of line, be there when they needed a shoulder. Hell, she’d laughed at all his lame jokes, got in his face when he was wrong and loved him like a sister. She lived life to the fullest.

Every day since then, he'd wished the bomb had taken him too. The laughter, the smiles, the tears and bitching, fighting side by side...he heard it all, ghostly whispers at the edge of his mind. Jon swore he could feel their presence at times. They were the only family he’d ever truly known. It was their memories keeping him on the walkway night after night. Like they were holding him back from the water's abyss.

Those memories were fading like the colors of a paper flower left out in the sun. He’d waited for a vibrancy to come back to his life once again -- was still waiting.

Life held no meaning for him anymore. Becoming a civilian again, trying to be _human_ , was filled with endless bouts of pain, frustration and anger rippling under the surface, always close to erupting.

Doctors cycled in and out of his life, told him he would never walk without a limp, the scars covering his body would mark him forever. Plastic surgery couldn’t erase them and he’d finally made the decision to refuse any more surgeries, of any type. There’d been enough to last a lifetime already.

By some twist of fate, his face was unmarred, an illusion of symmetry against the ugliness of the rest of his body. He supposed he should be grateful he didn't scare little children -- or grownups for that matter. People looked away from anything less than perfection, preferring to live in an illusion. The scars covering his body were easily concealed by long sleeves and jeans. Never again would he wear shorts, walk shirtless on the beach, or make love with someone. 

Determination lit his features. Tonight, the harmony of the sea was a spell enveloping him and he closed his eyes, letting it seep into his soul, beckoning him to come closer. The despair he carried with him always was dampened by the melody. In its place was the beginnings of emptiness, the feeling of nothing. And wasn’t _that_  a balm to his soul - to feel nothing. He wished for the feeling to last forever.

With no more thought than to reach the water  _now_ , he stepped off the walkway. One painful, stiff-legged step after another, bare feet sank ankle deep into soft sand. The cane fell forgotten from his hand.

After what felt like an eternity, Jon Shepard, former Commander in the US Navy, reached the waves.

A fine spray of cold salt water sprinkled his face and bare forearms. He blinked against the sting of it in his eyes. The ebb and flow of the waves tantalized him. Chilled water lapped at his bare toes before it ever so slowly reached further to grasp at his ankles. The effect of the cold water was numbing, better even than whiskey. Fighting to keep his balance, Jon took careful steps deeper into the ocean. The rolled up hem of his jeans became soaked, cold against his calves. Sea foam reached even higher, clinging at the knees.

This was what he’d wanted since moving here - to let go. At first he'd fought savagely against those feelings - to him it was just another sign of weakness. But tonight, he'd walk into the water and let the sea take him away, guide him to a release.

Already imagining how the peace he longed for would feel, Jon was unprepared for the solid wave rushing in. Bad leg buckling beneath him, he stumbled, tumbling down onto his knees. He bit his lip hard to keep from crying out in pain, the copper taste of blood filling his mouth. Water splashed upwards, into his eyes and nose. Momentarily blinded, nose burning painfully, he lost his bearings. The coldness of the water stole his ability to think, robbed him of breath.

An even stronger wave followed the first. It flipped him onto his back, disorienting him further. Reaching out blindly, he was unable to grasp anything more substantial than the waves. Even they eluded him, dancing through his fingers.

The melancholy siren song of the ocean encompassed him, swelling in volume. A lyrical harmony to drown out all thoughts. The waves stole his fears, sweeping them away on the current swirling out to sea. The ocean formed a cradle around him, rocking him like a baby in its mother’s arms. Slowly, ever so slowly, he let it soothe him. The frigid water soon became a cocoon, an illusion of warmth.

Life had lost all meaning and he’d lost all hope. No one would miss him or mourn him and everything he’d been fighting since the day his life had changed wouldn’t matter anymore.

He emptied his mind of everything - pain, anger, the bitter feeling of not being whole. No longer able to be the man the world expected, to fit in anywhere, all of those feelings flowed out from him, joining the tug and pull of the waves. For the first time in his life, he felt free. Nothing mattered anymore. It was time to let go…

Tears fell unchecked from the corners of his eyes to mingle with the ocean - salt to salt. It would keep his secret forevermore.

Time lost all meaning drifting weightlessly, buoyed by waves. His eyes drifted closed, shutting out the starlight shining down from the canopy above. He was utterly and completely alone now. The sensation of his body sailing out to sea was the only thing sustaining him. The current strengthened, waves tugging at him, the briny salt water insistent on taking him further and further away from shore.

His clothes became heavy, soaked with water, the current tugging at him from below. _I’m yours, come take me…give me peace._

Thunder echoed around him.

Breathing slowly, in and then out, Jon struggled to calm his racing heart, to quiet the thundering echo in his ears. He was ready and his mind was calm, yet his heart continued to thunder - louder and louder.  _Odd..._

Even so, Jon felt at peace...weightless, drifting...

From out of nowhere, a violent rogue wave slammed into him, harsh and unforgiving. It ripped the breath from his lungs, hurling him into fight or flight mode. One after another powerful waves rolled in, pushing and tugging at his body before flinging him end over end.

The decision of letting go forgotten, Jon battled to stay afloat. Fighting was the only thing he knew when faced with a threat.

Thrashing in the water blindly, he fought to see, to face the danger head on. Icy fingers wiped at his eyes, desperate to sweep away the water. He closed them against another onslaught of waves.

Heart pounding, survival instincts kicked in. Overhead, thunder crashed and rolled across the sky. A flash of light burned against his eyelids. Opening them again, the sky was illuminated by another dazzling flash of light. Lightning. A storm was rolling in across the sea.

The thunder he’d heard...it hadn’t been his heart after all.

Intently focused on the sky, Jon was again taken by surprise. An immense wave crashed against him, spinning him around. It pushed him back towards shore. A light winked on and off in the distance.

For a brief moment, he wondered if it could be his porch light. A beacon in the night from the house Anderson left him in the will, a place of retreat. A place he could be alone and try to come to grips with a life he’d never imagined, never wanted. A life he’d so far failed at miserably.

Even being swept away at sea, he couldn’t manage to get right. 

Frustrated and angry at the stolen chance at tranquility he’d wanted so desperately, Jon screamed his rage at the heavens. Instead of drifting away to an endless sleep, he now fought against the waves, insistent on reversing his direction. There was no point in struggling. They’d held him so gently before, lulling him into a sense of quietude. Now they rejected him, pushing him relentlessly back to a life holding no meaning for him beyond pain and disillusionment.

The swell and surge around him was brutal and relentless. He stopped struggling, too tired to fight anymore. The waves pushed him onto the shore and Jon lay there...physically, emotionally and mentally drained, no strength left to even move or form a coherent thought.

A spattering of cold wet drops hit his face. It was a catalyst, hot tears, a contrast to icy skin, pouring out to mix with the wet sand. How long he stayed there, emptying his soul into the waves and sand he wasn't sure.

Water was all around him, tugging at his feet, falling on him from above. He could only hope by some miracle the tide would pull him back in. But his hope was for naught as the skies opened up and rain battered his abused body. The ocean was done, even it didn’t want him.

Worn and tired beyond all reason, yet realizing the peace he craved would not be found tonight, Jon struggled to pull himself up, merely able to crawl across the sand towards his house. It felt like the longest journey of his life.

Fighting every inch of the way, his hand finally came to rest on the walkway. From nearby, the plain black cane he’d dropped earlier mocked him. It felt like a lifetime ago. The cane was a reminder he couldn’t do this alone. Painfully hauling himself up, he wobbled unsteadily. Glancing down the walk, his house felt like another endless trek. Glancing at the cane again, he resolutely took a weary step, hands tight around the railing. _Fuck that._

One achingly painful step after another, he made it, collapsing against the screen door. The roof of the porch sheltered him from the rain but Jon hardly cared as he sat there watching the storm rage at sea.

Stiff and in pain, he struggled inside, collapsing as his leg buckled again. Darkness closed in on him and he surrendered without a fight.

Tomorrow was another day and night would fall over the beach once again.


	2. SOS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens - Mandy Hale_

_Bang...bang...bang…_

He sat up with a start, eyes wild, scanning frantically for the source - _assess_. Right hand reaching for a gun no longer there. A frenzied rhythm beat painfully against his ribs. Scrabbling backwards, his back hit the cabinets - _nowhere to go_ \- desperate for sanity in the midst of chaos.

Instinct kicking in, he turned his head sideways - _protect the face_ \- scrabbling up on his knees, fighting the weakened leg to - _get up_ ,  _keep moving_. He searched the area around him - _kitchen knife._ He'd go down fighting but with no source, no outlet - flight response kicked in.

Running past the table, his knee buckled, taking him crashing to the floor. Lungs fighting for air, he located the source of the noise. Screen door moving in the breeze, banging against the frame with each backswing.

To his fractured mind, the knowledge meant nothing - _enemies close_. Not knowing where the threat was -- _too many doors, windows._

He crawled to cover, a dark space, back against the wall, enclosed on all sides - _no surprises._

How long he sat there was impossible to gauge. It could have been minutes...or hours. Gradually, his heart rate slowed, mind releasing him from a panicked response, his body still edgy with excess adrenaline. Every sudden noise, no matter how insignificant, made him stiffen, grasp the knife tighter, until finally his hand was too tired and it fell, clattering loudly to the floor. _The rebels would be alerted - know where he was._

It was an irrational thought but he couldn’t shake it, not yet.

Placing one hand on his stomach and unfurling the cramped one across his chest, he breathed in and out deeply through his nose. Just as Dr. Chakwas taught him. He could hear her voice as if she was standing right next to him... _Feel your stomach expand as you inhale. Don’t let the hand on your chest move with your breath. Fill your lower lungs with air, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Let your hand feel your stomach fall as the air leaves your mouth. You can do this, Shepard. Now repeat it._

He _knew_ he was safe. He _knew_ there were no rebels here. Over and over, he told himself those words. The banging continued. _The screen door._ Stumbling inside the house the night before, he hadn’t closed it tightly.

As his mind fought its way out of fight or flight mode, other sensations and sounds registered, one by one: the distant sound of waves breaking on the shore, the whisper of a breeze through the screen door, the grit of sand rough against his skin, stiffened clothes smelling of salt water.

Breaking over him like the waves, the scent triggered memories from the night before. A piercing ray of light stabbed at him ruthlessly and he shuts his eyes. He could hear a curtain sway softly against the window in the breeze, letting in sunlight.

It seemed the whole world was against him right now, sensory overload. Too bad the sea hadn’t done it’s damn job last night.

He stayed where he was in the darkened corner, unwilling to get up and acknowledge his broken body, throbbing with pain, was still on earth. It would have been so much easier if things had gone according to plan. Now, he had to actually go through the motions of living. What a tiring thought.

A hot shower sounded like a logical next step. At least it was an easy fix, unlike everything else in his life.

An hour later, showered and dressed in clothes which thankfully didn't smell of the sea, Jon eased his battered body into a chair and stared out the window at nothing.

Once again, the night's memories chased themselves around his mind like a dog chasing its tail. If he caught the damn things, what the hell was he supposed to do with them? A path which could only end in pain.

Locking them away in a box in a dark corner of his mind, he slammed the lid closed. No doubt they would pop up when he least expected - like a damn jack-in-the-box.

On the table beside him was a book he’d been attempting to read,  _Of Mice and Men_. Anderson had acquired a bookcase full of books: mystery, fantasy and many others. Jon grabbed the first one he’d seen. Opening it now to the page he’d bookmarked, one specific sentence leapt out at him: _“Guys like us got nothing to look ahead to.”_ For a long time, he simply started at the words, reading it over and over. Closing the book, he placed it back on the table. Probably best not to follow that line of thought. 

On the floor was the newspaper from the day before. Reaching for it, he scanned the pages, finding nothing to interest him...until his eyes settled on the crossword puzzle. A few minutes later, he tossed it down. His concentration was not up to the task. 

His attention was caught by dust motes as they danced through the air, backlit by a shaft of light peeking in through the curtains. Watching them play in the sun, Jon wished he could be so carefree once more.

In the stillness of the house, his stomach growled loudly. Jon realized he hadn’t eaten since breakfast yesterday. Struggling to get up from the chair, stiff and in pain from the unexpected body surfing last night, he went looking for something to eat.

Searching the cupboards turned up a jar of peanut butter and a sleeve of Ritz crackers. It could have been worse; there could have been nothing. Sitting at the kitchen table, Jon dipped the crackers in the peanut butter, frustration mounting when they broke apart into crumbs.

He flinched - the fluttering of curtains in the slight breeze startling him. Outside, dusk was falling. The whole day had sped by and he hadn’t even noticed. Not that there was anything important for him to do. His life was now just one endless boring day after another, stretching on and on ad nauseum.

It felt like all the energy, the joy of life, had drained from his body and mind with the blast of the bomb. The doctors and shrinks had taken great lengths to fix his body but his soul wasn’t as easy to piece back together. It was probably still at the battlefield, wandering aimlessly.

He grabbed the half full bottle of whiskey from the counter. A bad idea, _he knew it_ , but right now, Jon simply didn’t care. Hobbling painfully, his bad leg stiff, Jon went outside. Wicker furniture sat all around the porch. In the corner was a large chair, which may once have been white. The back was tall and curved, much like a throne. He certainly didn't feel like a king. The cushions covering the seat were well worn, faded to a nondescript gray, just like the wicker itself.

Pulling over a nearby table, he plopped down, grabbed his leg and placed it on top of the table. Tilting the whiskey bottle up, Jon drank deeply, gasping as it created a fiery trail down his throat. Warmth spread through his veins, tingling along nerve endings. There was nothing quite like the feeling of encroaching oblivion.

Out over the ocean, the sun traveled a slow and steady path towards the horizon, throwing out vibrant, blazing colors of orange, yellow and red. It lit the underside of a scattering of lazily floating, puffy clouds with a warm glow. Lazy waves fractured the sun's long yellow trail, reflected in the water. The scene in front of him was a contrast from the night before.

Eyebrows arching in surprise, he tipped the bottle once more only to find it empty. A pleasant fuzziness created a barrier between the daily cacophony in his head and the calm vision before him. Constant thoughts of being only half a man, of never mattering to anyone ever again, being useless and feeling like a square peg in a round hole...they all scattered as the whiskey took hold. Jon relaxed, able to enjoy his surroundings through the alcohol haze. 

Staring at the bottle in his hand, a crazy, nonsensical idea popped into his head. Before thinking it through, he jumped up, a curse slipping out from pain. For a brief moment, he’d forgotten the limitations of his leg. Grasping the chair, his fingers tightened around the edge in a white-knuckled grip, waiting for the pain to fade and the world to stop tilting. Only then did he head back inside at a more sedate pace. In the kitchen, he flung open drawer after drawer, carelessly searching for pen and paper.

All he found was an envelope, torn in half, and a pen, the ink skipping as he wrote. It took several times tracing over the letters to make them legible. He squinted at them. _Well, mostly legible._ Who knew if they even made sense? Rolling the paper, he shoved it inside the bottle, twisting the cap back on after several failed tries.

With a bold purpose which had eluded him since his life had changed so dramatically, Jon made his way carefully down the walkway, cane forgotten somewhere inside the house behind him. The whiskey bottle was gripped in his left hand, fingers curling around the neck easily from the nerve damage. The fingertips of his other hand trailed softly along the railing. At the end, he finally stopped to think about what he was going to do. It was foolish and crazy. Nothing would come of it surely but the idea had taken root like a stubborn weed.

The alcohol lowered his inhibitions, quieting any thoughts he might entertain about stopping his own actions.

Stepping down of the walkway, his feet sank into the sand and Jon made his way slowly towards the sea. Every so often, he paused to recover his balance, bum leg threatening to give out beneath him. Determination and stubbornness kept him from falling face first to eat a mouthful of finely ground shells and grains of sand.

Bare toes at the edge of the waves, Jon glanced down at the bottle held loosely in his hand, transferring it from the left to the right hand. Thoughts tumbled over one another but before he could talk himself out of the harebrained idea, he cocked his arm back and threw with all the strength he possessed, watching the bottle arc out into the sea. The only proof it landed was the sound of a distant splash and a small spray of water he could _just_ make out flying up into the air.

Maybe someone would find it and answer. Better yet, maybe they’d laugh themselves silly and throw it out. Either way, it was beyond his control now.

Almost dying had some damn strange effects on a person’s psyche.

Continuing to stare at the ocean, he imagined the bottle sinking down in the water with momentum before bobbing back up to the surface, waves embracing it before ferrying it onward to some unknown destination. He stayed where he was until the only light on the beach was the warm yellow glow from the horizon, growing ever smaller. A gentle breeze stirred the hair on his arms.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, he made turned to go back to the house, one painful step at a time. The porch became his resting place through the night, mind idly following the path of a bottle he could no longer see. Eventually, his eyes drifted closed. In the wee hours of the morning, woken from a fitful sleep for some unknown reason, Jon stumbled inside to the bedroom. He collapsed across the bed, mattress bouncing beneath him.

Right before the sandman pulled him under, Jon thought of what he’d written on the tiny scrap of paper:

_Only when the night is deep and dark_

_Can you see the stars shine_

_Beacons glowing in the sky_

_Calling you to find yourself in their midst_

_And yet, I am here, lost and alone upon the ground_

* * *

In the morning, Jon stood at the screen door, coffee cup in hand and stared out towards the ocean. It fascinated him. The bottle tugged at his memory, a lifeline tossed into its waves, traveling somewhere in the sea along the currents.

Taking a sip of the dark liquid, he wrinkled his nose at the taste. Certainly better than the military sludge he’d had to chew but not by much. The last of the containers of coffee he’d brought with him was empty. For fifteen minutes he’d searched every cupboard, shouting triumphantly when he found a bottle of the instant stuff. It had been hidden in the dark recesses of a cabinet. A cheap off-brand, not something he expected Anderson to have. You just never knew about people. Still, it was better than nothing.

After several sips of the vile liquid, he was rethinking the sentiment.

Continuing to drink the coffee despite the aftertaste, Jon couldn’t believe what he’d done the night before - throwing a bottle in the ocean with a stupid, drunken message inside, one he’d written himself. A half-assed scribble of words at best. What the hell had he been thinking? Truth was, the whiskey had been doing the thinking for him and look how well that went. After all those times getting crazy drunk with his platoon and the stunts they'd pulled, he should have known better.

What if someone actually read it? What if they actually answered? What if--

He cut the wayward thoughts off right there. What if nothing. The bottle had probably broken open and was now down on the ocean floor. Maybe it was headed to the middle of the ocean. The possibilities were endless. It was more likely the damn thing was lost never to be found. A feeling of relief washed over him with the thought. Nobody to witness - even in anonymity - his moment of foolishness.

Snatching a worn hoodie draped over a chair, he went outside. The physical therapist from Thessia's Orthopedics, Dr. Liara T'soni, told him walking in the soft sand on the beach would be good for his leg. She'd added medical phrases and words as well but Jon didn't remember them all, couldn’t be bothered to care. The only important phrases he’d heard -- important to her anyway -- were “be careful not to injure yourself” and “do _not_ overdo it.” He’d almost laughed at the last one. He was a soldier. Okay, _had been_ a soldier but it was a part of him which would never fade away. Overdoing it was the name of the game and something he'd always excelled at. In his former life. 

Carefully making his way to the soft sand just past the dunes, Jon took one tentative step, easing all of his weight onto his bad leg. Making sure it was steady, he stepped forward with his good leg, a hop-step. He repeated them, one after another, until he had a rhythm going. Before he knew it, he was walking with assurance, albeit slowly. The muscles in the leg were starting to loosen and warm up with the motion.

The soft sand felt good under his bare feet, like a warm massage. It tickled his toes. Out on the hard-packed sand, he could see divets in the smoothness made by pieces of shells. Whole shells were scattered here and there. Around him, seagulls cried out as they flew overhead or played in the surf.

A group of tiny sandpipers ran to and fro along the water’s edge, searching the shallow pools for bits of food. They were fascinating to watch, little legs going a million miles an hour. The sound of the gentle waves breaking was a soothing balm to his soul, a simple accompaniment to his walk.

Without warning, his ankle twisted and Jon’s arms windmilled, trying to keep balance. The last thing he needed was to wrench his leg, undo whatever progress he’d made until now. Dr. T’soni would be upset if he screwed up her hard work. Then again, so would he.

Jon sucked in a lungful of air as his balance was restored. He leaned over, hands on his knees, fighting to catch a breath. The clambering of his heart coming back to normal, he glanced around. No one had seen him. The beach in front of the cottage was almost always quiet. In fact, he’d only seen an occasional jogger once or twice a week...but he was still worried. It bothered him to be seen so weak.

Feeling steady on his feet, he began walking again, even more careful than before. Maybe the next time, he’d bring his phone and earbuds, listen to some music. The ambiance of the beach was soothing but he needed music to get his blood pumping.

A quiet chuckle slipped followed the thought, remembering his near fall. His blood was pumping just fine right now.

In the distance, he could see a pier extending out into the sea. Making it so far was probably well past “do not overdo it.” Not one for sitting back and taking the easy way out in anything, Jon cast a downward glance at his leg, still smarting from the near disaster. Maybe not today. He did need to make a run into town for supplies and coffee. Another day of the appalling instant crap would have him climbing the walls. Turning around, he saved the walk to the pier for another day. Still determined to push himself, he headed back the way he’d come, trying for half the time.

The thought of real coffee was an excellent motivator.


	3. Bearings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I’m caught between trying to live my life, and trying to run from it - Stephen Chbosky_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song by Daughtry - I’ll Fight

The drive to Mindoir was peaceful, windows open to the balmy air. The tangy smell of salt water, clean and refreshing, drifted inside. Jon pressed a button until he found a song he liked. Daughtry blared from the speakers…

_I wanna see you run_

_Anywhere you want_

_Never let the darkness hold you back_

_No fear of getting lost_

_I wanna see you fly_

_Way beyond the sun_

_Anything you're ever gonna dream_

_I pray that it will come_

Listening to the words, he felt the edges of despair from the night before dissipate in the bright light of a new day. Still, the emotion was nothing if not tenacious. It would be back, stronger than before, eroding his carefully built walls until they collapsed in rubble around him.

Refusing to dwell on it, he turned up the volume. Right now, he’d grasp the upbeat music like a lifeline to pull him out of the darkness.

Approaching the town, his eyes widened in surprise. When he’d driven through it on moving day, it was edging towards night. His perceptions had obviously thrown off. Mindoir had appeared to be a sleepy little seaside town. What he saw before him now was nothing short of amazing.

The town sprawled along the shoreline edging up to the sea. Colonial and Cape Cod style houses faced outward like soldiers standing guard. Long verandas flew patriotic flags, vivid green yards trimmed and hedged. Everything perfectly in place and magazine worthy. There was an aura of tranquility here.

Driving into the older part of town, quaint storefronts lined the road, framed by beautifully landscaped sidewalks decorated with colorful flags and vibrant potted plants. Tall trees were placed at precise intervals along the edges of the sidewalks, providing shade for benches settled underneath. Elegantly detailed signs advertised everything from tobacco to pastries. The town was charming and elegant, very well maintained. A picture perfect postcard setting.

Traffic slowed down through the area and Jon was happy to follow along, craning his head to take in every detail. Slowly, the area gave way to modern shopping malls filled to the brim with salons, tech stores and a multitude of specialty stores.

Up ahead he spotted a grocery store, Tiptree Grocers, exactly what he was looking for. Pulling into the lot, he waited for an elderly couple to back out of a spot up front. It wasn’t a handicap spot, just close to the store. Jon hated those spots, the stares and stigma with using one. People always judged things they didn't understand or knew nothing about.

Getting into the Jeep wasn’t easy, getting out was much worse. With the trip into town, his leg had become stiff and painful to bend. In spite of the pain, he managed to climb out without falling flat on his ass. The cane mocked him from the passenger seat where he’d thrown it earlier. Slamming the door, he struggled without it. Once he had a cart, he’d be fine.

Strolling slowly through the small store, he looked for the coffee aisle. Caffeine was of the utmost importance. Once he had it, he’d worry about other supplies, but nothing perishable as he might check out the town. Looking at the signs above the aisle, he spotted the one listing coffee. _Finally._ He sped up just a little, eager to get some in his cart before finishing shopping. His leg protested but Jon ignored it.

Intent on his destination, he turned the corner down the correct aisle...and ran right into another cart. His careful balance was broken and a startled _oomph_ left his lips.

“I’m so sorry!” A rich, husky voice, clearly distressed, spoke from the other side of the cart Jon ran into.

“S’okay. I’m the one who’s sorry. Should have been paying more attention to where I was going.” Jon tightened his grip on the handle of the shopping cart until his knuckles turned white. He’d jarred his leg and white hot pain flared in response.

A face appeared around the corner, thick black brows knitted together in a frown. Underneath them, clear brown eyes studied him with concern. A shaft of light from the store’s window highlighted the man's eyes, turning them amber, like the color of fine whiskey. Jon lost himself, forgetting what he was doing, the pain of his leg fading to the background.

A hand waved in front of his face, “Sure you’re alright?”

Blinking back to reality, Jon tried to smile, though it likely looked like a pained grimace. “I’m sure but thanks for your concern.”

“Well, I mean...after all, I did run into you.” The man rubbed the back of his neck as if embarrassed.

“Pretty sure it was the other way around but thanks.” It was turning out to be one the weirdest encounters Jon ever had, arguing over who ran into whom.

“Well, the coffee aisle _is_ usually the most crowded one in the store.” The dark-haired man flashed a quick smile with his words and Jon felt it like a punch to the gut.

“So I see. I’ll have to be more watchful when I come back for more.”

One dark brow rose up, “Come back? You live around here?”

“Just moved here, actually. First foray into town.”

“Ahhh, well, Mindoir is the perfect mix of quiet and fun, old and new, depending on what you’re looking for. I’m Kaidan...Alenko.” He reached out a hand.

Jon stared at the hand for a few agonizing seconds before grasping it in his own, “Shepard.”

Both brows went up. Jon was fascinated by them. They had a language all their own. “Shepard, huh? Alright.”

Jon couldn’t stop a smirk. It was the same reaction every time. He gave out his first name only to really close friends, like Ashley. Sadness stole over him again. “Yep.”

Concern flashed through the eyes gazing back at him. Time to work on his poker face. At least the guy - _Kaidan_ \- didn’t ask if he was okay again.

“Well, Shepard, it was nice...uh...running into you.” Pink tinged the tips of his ears when there was no response to the attempt at humor. In reality, Jon was so busy staring at the man, the quip sailed right over his head. “Hope you enjoy Mindoir.” Kaidan maneuvered his cart around Jon's, nodding as he passed by.

The whole encounter lasted about ten minutes and had Jon's head spinning. The man was incredibly good looking...and his voice. Trying not to be too obvious, he craned his head around and watched Kaidan get in line to pay. He was definitely someone Jon would have taken an interest in before everything had happened to bring him here. Broad shoulders, trim waist. He was gorgeous...and those jeans fit rather well.

Everything was different now, though. There was nothing left of him to offer anyone but brokenness and pain.

A cough from behind startled Jon from his musings. An older lady stared at him in annoyance. Pointedly, she glanced at his cart and then the shelves behind it. _Right_. Time to get moving.

He steered his cart down the aisle. About a half hour later, he was done, going through a check out line.

“Find everything you need?” The checkout clerk smiled brightly at him.

“I did. Thanks.” She’d already turned back to her register by the time he responded.

“Your total is $38.97. Anything else?”

“No, I'm good.” Handing her two twenties, he waited for the change and pushed his cart forward. Setting the bags inside of it, he left the store.

Groceries loaded, Jon decided to take another leisurely drive through town, maybe hit some side streets. Small towns like Mindoir often had hidden gems around corners you’d never find otherwise. Anderson hadn’t talked a lot about the town itself but spoke often about the beach house. He’d wanted Jon to visit someday but certainly, this was not what he'd had in mind.

Jon had heard Anderson mention he thought of Jon as his son. They’d become very close over the years and their history went back before Jon joined the military.

Bringing his attention back to the area around him, Jon made a closer examination of the businesses down the main street. A few caught his eye: A cafe, Rayya's, doubling as a bakery, a bookstore looking like it was closed with the windows boarded up. He saw the physical therapy office, Thessia's Orthopedics, and his psychiatrist’s office. The sight of one particular business made him chuckle. Of course there was a bar in town. Archangel’s - what a name for a bar.

Familiarizing himself with the layout, he turned a corner and drove through the residential areas. The whole town was just incredible. Driving had always relaxed him and it was no different now. Time got away from him and his stomach growled loudly, competing with the radio and winning.

A glance at the clock showed the time was quarter past eleven. He hadn’t eaten since the night before, the less than fulfilling meal of crackers and peanut butter. The cafe from earlier came to mind. Rayya’s, if he remembered correctly. The fast food joints were quicker and easier but he'd have to backtrack over by Tiptree Grocer’s. He didn’t really like their greasy food and going back to the beach house wasn’t appealing either. The last thing he wanted was to venture out in public. The town wasn’t overloaded with tourists but there was still a fairly good flow. 

Decision made, he pulled in front of the bakery. Turning off the jeep, he gazed at the storefront for several minutes. Despite his reluctance to go inside, it was the kind of place inviting anyone passing by to come inside. Even in the bright sun, golden light glowed from within through the large multi-paned windows in front. Flowers bloomed wildly in planters along the walkway and in front of the door. The exterior was a riot of colors.

Stomach growling louder, Jon decided he’d better feed the monster. As he had at the grocery store, Jon made sure no one was watching while he struggled to get out of the jeep.

Inside, the atmosphere was just as inviting as the outside. Warm lighting shone on a vibrant color scheme, eclectic and multicolored but not clashing. It made him think of a book he'd read one time, the Romani in it, how it described their colorful, flowing scarves and skirts, equally bold and lively wagons. Tables were scattered throughout in no discernible order, chairs in different colors placed around them. A chalkboard menu was displayed just high enough above the counter, items written by a flowing, delicate hand.

Glass cases showcased delectable pastries, breads and cakes. His mouth watered with the tantalizing smell wafting through the cafe of freshly baked goods, strong coffee and whatever was being cooked in the kitchen in back. His stomach was threatening to jump through his throat and put in an order on its own.

Scanning the menu, Jon found normal fare from hoagies and tomato soup to more ethnic varieties. One in particular caught his eye and sounded wonderful -- Sarmale. He read the description: Cabbage rolls stuffed with beef, pork, rice and spices, simmered in tomato sauerkraut sauce. He didn’t even know if he liked cabbage but was willing to give it a try. Being in the military had brought him to many places and he'd made it a point to try new foods. 

“Hello! Welcome to Rayya’s! How may I help you?”

A woman spoke up from behind the counter in a heavily accented voice, beautiful and melodic. She appeared to be smiling, though he couldn’t see it. Her head was covered in a deep purple scarf, only her dark eyes visible. They sparkled with happiness. 

“I guess I’ll try the Sarmale?” He was sure he’d butchered the word.

A lilting laugh followed his pronunciation, “Sar-moll-ay.” She turned to yell at the man in the kitchen, “One order of--”

“I heard, Tali. Sarmale. Coming right up. For our regular?”

“No Kal, it isn't.” She turned back towards Jon. “Would you like a drink as well?”

He scanned the board again, “I’ll have a medium coffee, please.”

“Excellent choice! It's rich and full of flavor. Cream or sugar?”

“No, just black, thank you.”

“Then have a seat anywhere you’d like and I’ll bring everything out to you.”

Jon headed towards the back of the cafe, sliding into a booth facing the door. Old habits die hard. The perfect vantage point was ingrained and not likely to be forgotten anytime soon. He had an excellent view of the front door when a familiar face appeared through it.

Jon recognized the customer from the grocery store. It was the man he’d literally run into. The handsome face brightened with a _hello_ tossed out to the woman behind the counter. He must come here often. Back in the corner of the cafe, Jon could study the man without being self conscious about it -- or obvious.

Unlike before, he focused on more than just the great body or nice ass or the amazing eyebrows. He was smiling and it looked so natural. There was an air of ease about him, of contentment. Whether it was in his own skin or the world around him, Jon wasn’t sure. It was incredibly fascinating to watch, though. What would it feel like, to be happy and content? He had...once upon a time.

“Your order’s almost ready, Kaidan.”

“Thanks, Tali. I appreciate it. Kinda running behind today.”

Kal called out from the back, “Order of Sarmale up.”

“You're quick! Oh wait, which one?” The woman at the counter, Tali, peeked in the window to the kitchen.

“The first one.” Kal looked out through the same window, “Hey, Kaidan. Hope you don’t mind waiting.”

“Nah, it’s okay. My fault for running behind anyway.”

Kal nodded in response. Tali brought Jon’s meal and coffee out to him. Placing it on the table, she repeated his order, "Sarmale and a black coffee. Let me know if you need anything else, okay?”

Jon nodded at her, overwhelmed by the tantalizing smells coming from in front of him. She continued to wait by his table, so Jon mumbled, "Uh, sure. Thanks.” 

Satisfied, she walked back to the counter. Jon grabbed a fork, ready to dive right in. The sarmale was probably the best, most fulfilling meal he’d had in over a week, would likely have for awhile. He hated cooking and lived on simple, easy food -- mac ‘n’ cheese, Ramen noodles, PB&J. Anything beyond simple was too much effort.

Just as his fork was headed for his mouth, a warm, familiar voice spoke up in surprise, “We meet again.”

It took immense effort for Jon not to jump out of his skin and act reflexively. Not an impression he wanted to make on a stranger. Well, maybe not quite a stranger anymore. Placing the fork back on his plate, his eyes meeting those beautiful brown ones. “We do. Come here often?” _Did he really just say those words?_   Jon felt like he was in a bad romance comedy, flailing around in a conversation.

A deep chuckle followed, “As a matter of fact I do. You definitely found the right place for lunch. I...uh, think I’ve probably tried everything on the menu at least once.”

“You have, Kaidan!” Tali’s voice floated towards them.

Jon watched in fascination as a blush appeared across the man’s cheekbones. He was easily embarrassed. It was kind of cute.

“They have the best Sarmale anywhere.”

Tali spoke up from the counter, “You mean the only Sarmale anywhere?”

Kaidan laughed at himself. _How was it possible to do so?_   “True. Uh...well, anyway, I should probably let you eat. Good to see you again. Enjoy your meal and I hope you make it back into town again soon.” The blush deepened. “Catch you around.” Grabbing his bag at the counter, Kaidan waved at Kal and Tali, turned to smile at Jon, and walked out the door.

He watched him go, meal forgotten. It was so easy to imagine what life might have been like if things hadn’t changed. Flirting, getting to know a handsome guy who smiled readily and could even laugh at himself. It would have been possible - in another time.

Appetite gone, Jon asked Tali for a takeout container. He shoved a couple of bites in his mouth to make it look like he’d eaten something. 

“Did you not like it?” Worry sounded in her voice.

Jon rushed to assure her, “It was amazing, really! I just...I guess I’m not as hungry as I thought. I’ll finish it for dinner tonight.”

Seeming appeased, she tilted her head, studying him intently, “You know Kaidan?”

Such an innocent sounding question but Jon was a soldier, it wasn't a stretch to realize she was fishing for information. No harm in the truth, “I ran into him - literally - at the grocery store. Apparently, I had an...impact?” Wow, what a poor choice of words. It was unlike him to makes jokes anymore.

The woman groaned goodnaturedly, “Oh...that was bad but I’ll give you points for trying. Do you live here or…” the question hung in the air.

Jon didn’t plan on being in town a lot but supposed he might cross paths with regulars from time to time. "Just moved here. The Anderson house out on the beach?”

“Oh! _David_ Anderson? He came here every summer. Is he…?”

“I...he...” Jon stumbled over his words, pushing them out in a rush, “I’m sorry but he died.”

Her hand covered her mouth but not before letting out a small gasp. “Oh, no! He’ll be missed very much.”

“Tali! We have more orders, stop chatting. It’s about to get busy.”

Something sounding like _bosh’tet_ slipped from her lips, seeming quite derogatory, but she gave Jon a sad smile, said her goodbyes and went back to work. If the cafe was about to get busy, it was his cue to leave. He hated crowds and maneuvering through them was painful in many ways. Without his cane, it would be disastrous.

Grabbing his takeout container, he stared down at his coffee cup. How was he supposed to juggle everything at once with his cane? Once upon a time, he’d taken something simple, like carrying several things at once, for granted.

A bag appeared at his side and Jon stumbled, shying away from the sudden presence of someone next to him. Nearly falling, he grabbed at the table to stop his sideways momentum.

“Oh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you! I just thought you might want a bag.”

She sounded so upset Jon rushed to put her at ease, “It’s okay, really. Thanks for the bag.” He’d wanted to offer more in the way of an explanation but the words stuck in his throat.

“You know, you should grab some muffins and bagels while you’re here. I’m an amazing baker.”

She was also an excellent saleswoman because Jon found himself at the counter, picking out more food to take home. Carrying everything but his coffee cup, ignoring Kal’s protests behind her, Tali talked nonstop all the way to the jeep. Jon didn’t have time to feel offended by her help, fascinated as he was to listen to her.

Loading his things in the front seat, she told him, “I expect to see you back here…” she trailed off, unsure what to call him.

“Shepard.”

“Well, Shepard, I’ll be looking for you!” With a wave, she ran back into the store.

He'd made his exit just in time as a few groups of people entered Rayya's right behind her. It was apparently one of the most popular in town.


	4. Lost at Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I’m not the person you left behind anymore. There’s no one here to miss - Iain Thomas_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> 1\. P!nk - What About Us?  
> 2\. Disturbed - Indestructible

Jon sat in front of the beach house inside his jeep, grocery bags and dinner from the cafe in the seat next to him. There was also the bag of muffins and bagels Tali had convinced him to purchase before he left -- not exactly a hard sale. Quick, easy foods were the way to go. No thought required. He’d ended up adding those to his growing pile of bags. It would take more than one trip to get it all in the house.

Four trips later, Jon collapsed into a chair. Letting his head fall onto the back of it, his eyes drifted shut as he gave in to exhaustion. Probably pushed himself too far today. Dr. T’soni would have something to say if she knew. He’d skipped the last few appointments because he felt like it was wasted effort. He was never going to get better.

Jon wouldn’t be surprised if she walked up and knocked on his door right now. Better call and see if they could work him in tomorrow. Hopefully, Liara wouldn’t notice how much he’d pushed himself the last couple of days. Yeah, right. She’d know. She always did.

Scrolling through his phone, he found the number and pushed the button to call.

“Thessia Orthopedics, can you hold?”

“Sure.” It was always the first thing they asked whenever he called. Drove him nuts.

A few minutes later...“Thessia Orthopedics, how may I help you?” It sounded like Rila, the receptionist he knew the best.

“I was calling to see if Dr. T’soni has any openings tomorrow.”

“Let me check. Can I get your name, please?”

“Jon Shepard.”

“Oh! Hello, Shepard. It looks like Dr. T’soni has an opening tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m. Will that be okay?”

“Thanks, Rila. It’ll be fine.”

“Great! See you tomorrow then. Bye.”

“Sure. Bye.” Well, it had definitely been Rila.

Tomorrow he’d be heading into the lion’s den. Although, in his experience, Liara T’soni seemed as far from a lion as he could imagine. Then again, after she checked his knee, he might find out otherwise.

The day’s events played like the scenes of a movie across his mind. One image standing out more vividly than the rest -- whiskey colored eyes and jet black hair touched with grey at the temples.

What he wouldn’t give to be whole again, to be the Jon Shepard he’d been before the bomb. Maybe he would have had a chance with someone like Kaidan. Could have at least tried anyway. Maybe…

His thoughts trailed off. Maybes were for a past which had never happened and a future which never would.

Dragging himself up from the chair, he limped into the kitchen. The dinner from the cafe didn’t appeal to him anymore, lost once again in negative thoughts. The groceries were put away, the take out container placed in the fridge. He eyed the unopened bottle of whiskey sitting on the counter.

He’d never been one to drink his emotions, usually only getting drunk after a particularly tough mission, surrounded by his platoon. It was the norm for him...or had been. Ashley was always able to drink him under the table. Wrex and Grunt as well. The three of them were a formidable force in the bar. Those thoughts in turn reminded him of what else had changed in his life.

_Only everything._

He snatched the bottle from the counter. The daylight was just beginning to fade as Jon went out on the back porch. For a long time he sat there, not thinking, trying even harder not to feel. Every so often, he took a small sip from the bottle, listening to the waves as the sun headed to the other side of the world. _Is there anyone over there who feels like I do? As if all hope is gone?_

The last golden rays touched upon the ocean.

There was a brief flash as the waning light touched on something in the surf. Then it disappeared again. Intrigued, he rose unsteadily to his feet. Even small amounts of whiskey hit hard on an empty stomach.

Stumbling across the rolling sand, Jon caught himself several times before falling down. It seemed to take an eternity before he found himself at the water’s edge. Something bobbed in the waves, several feet from where he stood. Impatiently, he waited for the ocean to push the object onto the beach, much the same way it had rejected _him_ the other night. His patience was not rewarded. In defiance, he fought against the waves to reach out and grab it.

He stared down at the bottle he’d thrown into the waves the day before. He laughed, startling himself. _When was the last time he’d made such a sound?_   Too long ago to remember. The sound was cracked and rusty, like an unoiled machine. Staring at the bottle, he saw his paper was still inside, untouched. The knowledge didn’t surprise him in the least.

First the sea rejected him, then his bottle with the message inside.

Pausing every so often to find his balance, Jon ambled back unsteadily to the porch. Dripping jeans left a trail of puckered sand behind him. He sat down and held the bottle up to inspect the paper; it was still dry. Just before the sun slipped over the horizon for the night, one last ray shone on the brown bottle. It glowed a deep, rich amber, reminding him of eyes the exact color.

Jon pushed the image of those eyes away. He glanced at his phone, picking it up and thumbing through the music app. Ashley had put a mess of songs on it right before their last fateful mission. He’d never gotten the chance to listen to them. She’d told him, _“You need to broaden your horizons, Skipper. Step out of your comfort zone.”_

He’d smiled...right before throwing a fork at her, loaded with something which may have resembled mashed potatoes.

Gods, he missed her so much! Pushing the play button, he waited. How ironic when her favorite song began to play. Ashley’s choice had been something he’d seriously questioned -- _P!nk, What About Us_. The conversation played in his mind like it was yesterday…

_Walking into the mess, Jon grabbed what passed for food and sat across from her. Pulling his phone out, he placed it on the table between them. There was an odd look on her face, not quite sad but edging closely towards it. Her thoughts were obviously a million miles away. Despite the headphones, he could still hear some kind of beat, which meant the volume was turned way up._

_Waving a hand in front of her face, Jon waited for her to tune in. She reached up, plucking an earbud out, “Hey, Skipper. What’s up?”_

_He pointed at her with his fork, “You tell me. Where were you just now?”_

_Her deep brown eyes searched his before falling to stare at her phone. She paused the music with a touch of a finger. “Got a letter today.”_

_Simple words, then nothing else. Jon had a feeling he knew what was coming anyway. “Okay.”_

_“Kenneth said it was over. He couldn’t handle the thought I might never come home again, didn’t want to live that way anymore.”_

_She looked up at him, a sad smile ghosting across her lips. “It’s all for the best anyway. Last thing I need is some guy back at home getting in my head.”_

_Her demeanor changed, effortless at shedding her pain. Jon knew better but he let it go for now._

_“What’re you listening to?” He wasn’t sure why he asked, her music was definitely not to his taste._

_Deep brown eyes gleamed with laughter and mischief. An earbud was thrust at him. “Listen.”_

_“Hell, no, Ash! You probably have that damn song, Sugar, on there.” He made a gagging motion. “Give me some ACDC or Metallica...hell, even Daughtry is better than what you listen to!”_

_“Shut up and put the damn thing in your ear, you ass.”_

_Being as dramatic as possible, Jon produced a longsuffering sighed while rolling his eyes but did as she asked. Ash was the only one who could get away with it. She hit the play button and Jon waited -- and promptly tried not to grimace. “What the hell is this shit?”_

_She laughed out loud. Just hearing it made the torture worthwhile. So much better than how she’d looked a few moments ago. Ashley Williams was one of a kind and one of the very few people who could give him a run for his money._

_“It’s by P!nk -- What About Us.” Jon could tell she was easing into sadness again._

_“What about us? Wait…what about us?” Placing a hand over his heart, Jon fluttered his eyelashes, “You mean you’re finally admitting you want me? About damn time you came around!” Ducking, he laughed out loud as she swiped out an arm, trying to hit him. She laughed as well. Mission accomplished, though his grin faded as he stuck the earbud back in, listening to the words of the song--_

_We are searchlights, we can see in the dark_

_We are rockets, pointed up at the stars_

_We are billions of beautiful hearts_

_And you sold us down the river too far_

 

_What about us?_

_What about all the times you said you had the answers?_

_What about us?_

_What about all the broken happy ever afters?_

_What about us?_

_What about all the plans that ended in disaster?_

_What about love? What about trust?_

_What about us?_

 

_He pulled the earbud out, “Why are you listening to this, Ash? It’s...so depressing.”_

_She’d turned serious too, “So I never forget, Jon.” Her words became a whisper, “So I never forget.”_

 

A tear slid slowly down his face, the memory painfully vivid as the song played out. The words from her letter were eerie when he thought about what happened later on. Now, Jon would be forever grateful Ash put her music on his phone.

The song ended, a few moments of silence before the next. When it began, Jon felt like all the air in the universe had been siphoned out. His lungs froze, the simple mundane rhythm of breathing forgotten.

 

_Another mission_

_The powers have called me away_

_Another time_

_To carry the colors again_

_My motivation_

_An oath I've sworn to defend_

_To win the honor_

_Of coming back home again_

_No explanation_

_Will matter after we begin_

_Unlock the dark destroyer that's buried in me_

_My true vocation_

_And now my unfortunate friend_

_You will discover_

_A war you're unable to win_

 

It was the theme song his squad played before every single mission they went on. Most of them couldn’t hold a tune in a bucket but they always ‘sang’ it at the top of their lungs.

He’d never expected to hear the song again, never wanted to. Snatched into the past, he saw the faces of his squadmates...

_They were laughing, raucous jokes flying back and forth, packing for their next mission. Anderson stood in the background, arms crossed, shaking his head at them all and fighting a smile. He left before they could see it but Jon saw the corners of his lips turn up before striding from the room. Anderson was like a dad to many of them. Stern but fair, always understanding. To Jon, he was the only dad he’d ever known in the real sense of the word._

Memories as vivid as if they were yesterday, Jon felt the whiskey call to him -- a lifeline to oblivion and yet, he suddenly felt ill with the direction of his thoughts. Whiskey was the last thing he wanted. Agony washed over him and he let it carry him away on the tide. Unnoticed, tears ran down his face.

Sometime later, Jon opened his eyes to a full moon riding high in the midnight sky. A silvery ribbon trailing in the water. Modest waves made the ribbon undulate and waver, shimmer against the black sea. Oblivion was enticing, the call of the ocean so strong, but tonight, he simply didn’t have the energy to answer it.

His hand reached for the bottle he’d pulled from the waves. Opening it, he unrolled the paper, only a vague memory of what he’d written on it coming to mind.

He stared at the words, blurred by emotion, whiskey, and tiredness. Several minutes passed before he realized it wasn’t the message he’d put in the bottle. The handwriting on the paper was neat and fluid. The paper wasn’t torn like his had been.

Shining the light from his phone on the words, he read:

_‘In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must also be present.’ - Francis Bacon._

_I’ve seen the darkness and fought against it myself. I can’t pretend to understand what you’re going through. As for me, I’ve found even bad days have a gift in them somewhere. Promise me you’ll try looking for it._

The paper shook in his hands. He’d never expected a message. Even if there had been a tiny sliver of hope someone _would_ answer, he’d certainly never expected one so insightful.

Folding the paper reverently, Jon considered what to say. In many ways, trying to put his thoughts to paper, answering an anonymous person, was easier. Still, how was he supposed to respond to it? It was like the universe found the one person in the world who understood him even through the muddied thoughts of his mind thrown on paper.

Ironically, he heard Ash’s words echo again through his mind ‘ _live a little, Shep.’_

 _But how Ash? How the hell do I live when everything I lived for is gone?_ Nothing but silence answered his plea. Even she didn’t have any words of wisdom for him.

Back inside, Jon searched for a whole piece of paper and a pen. Finding them, he sat down to write. Instead, all he could do was stare at the paper, hoping maybe it would tell him what to say. The hands on the clock moved forward, time not stopping for the muse. After several hours, he began to write.

_~~The darkness calls so sweetly~~ _

~~_Resistance is hard…_ ~~

Could he sound any more cheesy?

_~~I’m stuck in this dark cycle of~~ _

Wow, seriously? He was so incredibly awful at putting his thoughts to paper. What made him think he was capable of stringing words together? Words meaning something and sounding coherent? He was a soldier, not a writer or a poet.

 

And then out of the blue…

_The darkness hides what the world shouldn’t see. I’m not who I used to be anymore._

Jon cringed as he reread the words. Good thing he’d never meet the sender in person.

_It means a lot to find someone who isn’t just throwing out platitudes or hiding behind words to pacify how I feel. Someone who maybe does ‘get it.’ Though I’m not even sure what ‘it’ is. Still working on that one. I don’t know if this will make it back to you but...thank you._

Nothing else came to mind. Was it enough? It would have to be. Folding the paper, he slid it inside the bottle and once again made his way to the ocean, tossing it in as far as it could go.

For a long while he stood there, watching the moonlight glint off the bottle until it was finally out of sight. Would they get it back? Would it go somewhere else? He’d never thought it would find someone the first time. Just showed him how wrong he could be.

Maybe he’d even get an answer back again.


	5. Refuse to Sink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Some things are destined to be – it just takes us a couple of tries to get there - J.R. Ward_

Dr. T’soni entered the room, her usual pleasant smile in place. “Jon, it’s good to see you again.”

She placed an electronic tablet on the counter, turning around to face him, and leaned back crossing her arms. He’d been bracing for a reprimand but it didn't come, although the appointment had just begun - anything could change. Placing his cane across the extra chairs in the room, Jon had chosen to remain upright, only leaning against the table for support.

“Sorry to have canceled the last few appointments, Dr. T’soni.”

Her clear blue eyes sparkled with humor but there was also a wealth of understanding in them. “I’ve told you to call me Liara. Dr. T’soni always makes me think of my mother.”

He’d forgotten. Then again, some habits were hard to break. Calling doctors by their professional name was definitely a habit.

“I’ll just reassess and see where we go from here. I can’t imagine you’ve had much of a setback.”

His eyes moved away from her back to stare at the floor, unable to admit he’d likely overdone it over the last few days. She’d find out soon enough anyway.

“You’ll have to remove your sweatpants, Jon. You know the routine.” A delicately arched, blonde eyebrow dared him to argue with her.

He hated baring his scars but knew it was easier for her to work with him in shorts. Long pants were too confining and sometimes, the fabric snagged on his scars. Thankfully, he wore shorts underneath. Pulling the loose-fitting sweatpants down, he struggled to pull his bad leg from them. Liara walked over and squatted down, helping pull them down over his foot. It helped she didn’t comment on his struggles. One of the things he liked about her the most was her pragmatic attitude.

“Lie back on the table so I can do an assessment. I need to find out the best way to move forward from where we are now - make a few notes and adjustments if need be. Have you been doing any of the home exercises I gave you?”

“Um...uh, no, I haven’t.”

Her slender hands, thankfully warm, grasped his uninjured right leg first, one at the foot, one under the knee. She bent his leg carefully, knee flexed towards his shoulder. “Since you haven’t been back for the last few appointments, I’m going to test your normal flexibility.”

She did the same movement again, only faster. Next, she moved his leg out to the side, slowly and then faster. “Now I’ll do the same movements with your left leg. As I do them, I would like for you to let me know if at anytime it hurts or pulls. Tell me if you’d like for me to stop.”

He had no intention of complying but nodded his head in response. A colorful tropical top, Liara’s uniform, appeared at the edge of his vision. He looked up, eyes meeting Liara’s.

“I know you’re going to try to ignore the pain. I need you to be honest with me.” Her voice was soft but the tone firm.

They stared each other down for several minutes but Jon knew there was no winning a fight with her. A sigh slipped from between his lips, “Fine.”

A smirk barely lifted her lips but Jon saw it all the same. Rolling his eyes, he then heard her laugh quietly. She could always get him to do whatever she wanted him to.

Her hands settled on his leg and he tensed. Liara was always so careful around his scars and yet, never brought attention to them. “Deep breath in, deep breath out.” She wanted him to relax.

As the minutes passed while she coached him on his breathing technique, his leg didn’t move. Slowly, he did indeed start to relax. Only when she was satisfied, did she push the leg towards his chest. It didn’t even make a ninety degree angle before he drew in a sharp breath.

“Pressure or pain?”

Deciding whether to hedge his answer or be honest, she placed the leg back down. Once more, she did the same movement.

“Pain,” the word hissed between clenched teeth.

She gave him several minutes to relax while she walked over to document the response in his file. “Now I’m going to move your leg to the side. Ready?”

He nodded but she still made him do the breathing exercise. It took longer for Jon to relax knowing what was coming.

Grasping his leg, she pulled it to the side. It made it farther than the last time, barely, before an indrawn breath told her to stop. Moving his leg back into position, she went back to his chart, fingers flying over the screen, noting things before helping him sit back up.

Next, she'd grabbed his hand, doing exercises for it. At least she seemed satisfied with his progress there.

“Alright, Jon, what did you do?” At his questioning look, she gave him a determined one right back. “I can’t help you if you’re not honest with me.”

He felt like he was back in school after he’d started living with Anderson. Getting in trouble, being called to the principal’s office time and time again. The old man had possessed a deep well of patience. But Anderson wasn’t around to bail him out now. For once, he had to get himself out of trouble. However, Liara didn’t need to know everything.

“I went to the grocery store in town, ran into someone with my cart, jarred my knee. Went to a cafe to eat. Walked along the beach a little, tried to keep from falling several times. Probably wrenched everything.” He rushed through his speech, trying to sound like it was nothing extraordinary.

Pushing back a loose lock of blonde hair, her eyes searched his, reading between the lines of all he didn’t say. She always saw right through him. Then again, he supposed it was her job. With a sigh, she took a tactical approach, “It is good to see you getting out again, but Jon, you have to be careful.”

“I will be more careful, Liara, I promise. And I'll do those exercises too.” His promise brought a smile to her face and Jon felt better for it. Maybe he’d actually try.

“I’m going to set up a few things in the PT room. I have some new exercises I’d like to show you. We won’t actually do anything today as I don’t want to strain your leg even more. I would like you back here same time next week, though. Now, get dressed and meet me out there when you’re done.”

“Got it.”

Grabbing the tablet, she exited the room. Jon slid off the table, struggled with getting his sweats on again and walked out the door. Voices carried around the corner and he stopped, unsure if he wanted to go out there. He just always felt self-conscious around other people. His self-doubt was getting the best of him. He knew it but was powerless to overcome it.

Looking down at himself, he double checked to make sure all his scars were covered - long sleeve shirt, long sweats, his hoodie. Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself to move forward. He could do it.

Rounding the corner, the voices became more distinct. Liara’s softer, more feminine tones and a deeper, huskier male voice. It sounded...familiar. Before he could figure out why, he moved around a partition and came to a halt.

It was Kaidan. Running into him was getting to be a common occurrence wherever he went. Hanging back, Jon studied him like at the cafe. Clothed in a tank top and running shorts, his body was on display and Jon didn’t hesitate to let his eyes roam. Well built and toned, leg and arm muscles strained as he sat at a machine doing leg presses while holding a conversation with Liara.

 

 

 

 

Working out, his black hair was tousled in shaggy curls, the bit of gray at the temples wet with perspiration. A big difference from the grocery store. From where he stood, Jon could see a drop of sweat fall from the hairline and travel down the side of his face, disappearing behind the top to travel down his chest…

Closing his eyes... _That way lies madness, Jon. Don’t do go there._

“Shepard?” The husky voice _did_ things to him.

Kaidan’s momentum on the machine slowed, then stopped. Jon willed his heart to slow down as well. Opening his eyes, he attempted a smile. “Kaidan.” Wow, he even sounded normal. He’d expected his voice to crack on the lone word.

Liara’s browse rose in response to their exchange, eyes darting from one to the other, “You know one another?”

Kaidan smiled, “Yeah...uh, yeah. We--”

“--ran into each other at the grocery store.” Jon finished, completely forgetting what he’d mentioned to Liara earlier.

Her brows knit into a delicate frown, “Do you mean the incident jarring your knee?”

Kaidan’s gaze snapped towards Jon, eyes traveling down to rest on his knee. The wrong one but Jon remained quiet. If only the ground would open up and swallow him now, that would be perfect, thank you. He resisted the urge to groan out loud. _Smooth, Jon. Real smooth._ The man scrambled his brains, making him forget important details.

Those expressive brows angled downwards into a frown, almost matching Liara’s. “You jarred your knee? I’m so sorry, Shepard. I had no idea. Are you...is it okay now?” The look of concern might have been welcome if Jon didn’t feel like a complete idiot as well as an invalid in need of pity. Not who he was at all but right now, it was exactly how he felt.

Bristling at the concern, he spoke up, sharper than he’d intended to, “I’m fine. No need for your concern.”

Kaidan’s eyes widened a fraction but it was the only reaction to the terse tone of Jon’s voice. Liara, however, looked ready to let loose with her thoughts. He had to leave. _Now_.

“Liara, give me a call with another appointment. I’ll come back then. I...have things to take care of.” He turned to go, wincing at the pain the sharp turn caused. What he wouldn’t give to be walking out of here without the reminder, without the damn cane as a handicap.

He didn’t spare either of them a glance on his way out.

* * *

Squinting at the glare of the harsh sunlight, Jon debated going to see Dr. Chakwas. He’d be early but he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about his _feelings_. Right now, they were volatile and she would get the brunt of it. Then again, isn’t it what she wanted from him? To let those feelings out? It wasn’t like she couldn’t handle it. The woman had a steel backbone and didn’t take shit from anyone. He’d learned to read people in his line of work, and he wasn’t usually wrong.

As suddenly as it appeared, all the fight left him. He was just so tired of the constant dance. Always feeling like he was out of step, a fraction off the beat and everyone around him saw it and were judging him for it. He needed to get out of his head but he simply didn’t know how. His previous therapist had, over time, helped him work through a lot of his issues. For a time, he’d pulled back from the brink but then he’d moved and it started all over again. There were a lot of things he still needed to work through, so Dr. Chakwas had been helping him find his footing again...despite the quicksand underneath them.

Taking a deep breath to still the dark thoughts swirling around in his brain, he walked a few doors down to Dr. Chakwas’ office. Might as well go round two. Then, he could head home and hide in anonymity for the rest of the day.

“Mr. Shepard, good to see you! Go ahead and sign in, have a seat. Dr. Chakwas will be with you in a moment.”

The receptionist, Kelly Chambers, was always bubbly and while Jon appreciated her efforts, he wanted to be as close to such enthusiasm as much as the bomb changing his life. There was no room in his life for happiness. Not anymore.

“Shepard.”

Figured she’d call on him when he’d just sat down. Biting back a sigh, he pulled himself back up with the aid of his cane, deliberately ignoring Kelly who watched his every movement. At least she never said anything.

He followed the doc into her office, feeling immediately calm despite a lingering agitation, mostly with himself. When he’d first come here, he’d seen it for what it was - deliberate decor to soothe the savage beast - and resisted the calming effect. As always, he gazed around at the interior before taking a seat.

The walls were painted a deep bluish-grey. The couches and chairs were covered in a lighter, warm grey, soft material. Her desk sat at an angle in the room, dark mahogany bookshelves placed along one wall, filled to the brim with all sorts of books. Titles of which Jon never bothered to look at. He was never sure if they were there for her or the clients, didn’t feel like asking. Every time he stepped into her office, he wanted to ask if it truly was staged in such a way to make her patients feel at ease. The question stayed locked inside his mind.

Above the couch hung a large photo taken of the Milky Way in beautiful blue tones. It always made Jon feel small in the grand scheme of life, as if all of his problems were infinitesimal in comparison. Not for the first time, he wondered if it was also part of Dr. Chakwas’ plan all along. Wouldn’t surprise him in the least.

“Have a seat, Jon.” She sat across from the couch she indicated.

While the ambience of the room put him at ease, he was still upset about what happened at the orthopedists’ office. Whether it was the concern causing his anger or his own reaction was the question.

She got right to it, “You seem...agitated.”

Chakwas always had the ability to see right through him. He’d learned early on keeping things to himself didn’t bother her in the least, though she did want him to talk. Irritatingly, she always let him move at his own pace with an occasional nudge here and there. Before starting therapy in the beginning, he thought seeing a shrink meant they dragged your demons out of you regardless of how you felt. Nothing had been further from the truth, especially in her office.

Taking a seat, he remained quiet for a while, staring at the wall just over her shoulder. Putting his emotions into words wasn’t something he was good at - not to himself, let alone to his doctor. He wasn’t actually thinking about what happened at Archangel’s but as the silence continued, his thoughts eventually cycled around to the subject. “I...yeah, just not sure whether being upset is directed at myself or something else.”

“How so?”

Leaning back against the soft cushions of the couch, Jon tried to relax. The anger was still a live wire thrumming under his skin. He angled his leg to take some pressure off the tightness of the scars. Uncomfortable with the position, he sat forward. “I think it’s more at myself. I...overreacted to something someone said. It was stupid, really.”

He looked up to gauge her reaction. Barely a reaction, just the mere raising of one elegant silver eyebrow. “Go on. I’d like to hear your thoughts as to why you feel this way.”

Scrubbing a hand through his hair, he was startled to realize his usual buzzed military cut had grown out quite a bit, several inches in fact. Letting it go for the moment, he pondered over his words, thinking about what to say, what she’d want to hear.

“And don’t insult my intelligence - or yours - by saying what you think I want to hear.”

His eyes snapped to hers, seeing the sparkle of laughter in them. Giving her an embarrassed smile in response, he was unsurprised to find himself found out.

Taking a deep breath, he dived right in, “What got me upset was someone being concerned for me. I...overreacted. Makes me feel…” he struggled with what to say. Hedge his answer or be painfully honest? She’d see right through him anyway. Despite the knowledge, he could feel a blush creep up his neck and suffuse his face. Words lowering to a whisper, “It makes me feel inadequate...like a charity case.”

She said nothing, waiting patiently for him to go on. When she realized he wasn’t going to, she prodded gently, “And in turn, it makes you feel...?”

She’d phrased it as a question on purpose. Jon wasn’t blind to the fact. He was unable to speak the emotion out loud, make it real. Sometimes, she was so patient with him, he wanted to scream. It only added to his agitation, which still simmered, ripping the word from his lips, “Angry.

Standing up, he walked over to the picture of the Milky Way. As if sensing he needed a moment, she began talking to take the pressure off of him. “I’d always dreamed of seeing the stars, being a medical doctor in space who tended the wounds of tough soldiers with piercing eyes.” A rueful laugh followed the admission. “I was a bit of a romantic in my younger days, thought it would be an exotic adventure. Alas, as it was not even a remote possibility, I became a combat medic instead, still with the thought of the tough soldiers and piercing eyes. Same idea, different setting.”

Jon turned a surprise look at her, stumbling a bit as he overbalanced. “I see I’ve surprised you. Jon, I want to be clear about something. While I myself have not gone through what you are experiencing right now, I do understand, even on my limited level, the flashbacks, the PTSD...the rollercoaster ride, if you will, of emotions.” She gave him time to digest her words, let them sink in. “I’m here to help you but only as much...or as little...as you will allow.”

Relief was evident as his shoulders relaxed, though with the smallest of motions. Jon still wasn’t sure if he felt comfortable talking. Saying everything out loud...well, it made it all real again. Could he relive those moments a second time? There was a certain bit of relief she might truly understand much of his inner turmoil. As a combat medic, she would have seen horrors unimaginable to the ordinary citizen. He clenched his injured hand, unclenched it, all subconsciously. He’d been doing it ever since the bomb. It worked his damaged nerves and muscles but it had become more now -almost a nervous gesture.

As he processed what she’d told him, scarred and calloused fingers trailed across the desk, leaving it momentarily to glide across a child’s toy with the lightest touch of his fingertips. Space...so much to see, to experience. Would if it were possible..

From the corner of his eye, Jon saw her smile fondly when she caught what he was doing. “It was a gift to me, from a friend’s son gifted. He was a Marine. Was in the midst of some horrific action in Afghanistan.” A dark emotion crossed her face, gone so quick Jon wondered if he’d actually seen it. “While I was helping him, he found out my love of space, my dream to travel amongst the stars. He told me the toy came from a game, something called Mass Effect, I believe. As the game stated, the SSV Normandy SR-1 was a deep space frigate, built for speed and stealth. He told me every time he looked at it, he could envision me on it, doing what I do now as well as using my medical skills.”

Jon stared at it, thinking he could envision himself on it too, along with all of his platoon. Maybe even some of the people he’d met here. What a mission, an amazing experience it would be - flying through the Milky Way, answering the call to save a galaxy and help alien races.

Very quietly, Jon asked a question burning inside him once she finished her story, “What happened to him?”

It was quiet for several long minutes, so long Jon thought he wouldn’t get an answer. When he’d given up expecting one, it came. “He didn’t make it. His last tour...he didn’t come home.”

Jon’s head jerked up, looking at Chakwas, saw a lone tear slide down her cheek. She didn’t reach up to brush it away. Instead, she turned to him and the pain in her brilliant green eyes stunned him. _She knew...knew what it felt like to feel pain, to lose someone._ Jon turned away, giving her time. He still wasn’t sure it would be so easy to tell his own story but at least he’d think about it now.

* * *

As the door to the psychiatrist’s office shut behind him, Jon strode towards the bench on the sidewalk in front of the office. A large tree shaded it from the sun. He felt drained, like he’d run a marathon without proper training instead of just getting through two doctors appointments. The smells coming from further down the street were tantalizing and his stomach growled in response. He really need to eat more or at least more regularly.

Hearing a door open and shut nearby, he glanced towards the sound, eyes colliding with Kaidan’s as the other man left Thessia Orthopedics. Had he been there the whole time Jon was at the psychiatrist's? Turning away, Jon felt guilt settle like a heavy weight in his stomach at his earlier reaction to Kaidan’s obvious concern. How did one apologize for it?

Opportunity presented itself but not quite how Jon expected, “Hey, Shepard. Sorry about...uh, back there...at the orthopedist office. I didn’t mean to--”

Jon held a hand up to halt the other man’s apology, “No, Kaidan, I’m the one who’s sorry. You were just being concerned and I was...being…” The words got stuck in his throat and after several minutes, he forced them out, “well, I was just being an ass.”

His stomach growled again and instead of commenting on what happened earlier, Kaidan smiled, “Truce? Sounds like you could use some lunch.”

Indecision warred with the certainty he should absolutely say no. He was only hurting himself, knowing there was something about Kaidan pulling him in, wanting to linger a little bit longer in his quiet confidence, bask in whatever attention was willingly bestowed. Prolonging the inevitable could only lead to disaster. One of his own making, to be sure.

It would have been so easy to say no, brush Kaidan off and go back to a solitary life. Jon found himself unable to deny the hopeful look in those beautiful brown eyes. “Sure...a truce and I would love some lunch.”

“Rayya’s again or would you rather grab a burger and fries?”

The thought of a thick, juicy burger and a side of fries had Jon's mouth watering. “Let’s go with the burger and fries. You have a place in mind?”

“Perfect place. It’s called Archangel’s, just on the other side of Thessia’s.”

Jon tensed. He remembered the name. The bar he’d seen driving through town the day before. Bars meant crowds, a rowdy atmosphere, people drinking. They stared at him, the consumption of alcohol causing them to lose their inhibitions. At least, it's what he felt they were doing. By the time all those thoughts cycled through his head, Jon was ready to decline.

Kaidan rushed to put him at ease. “It’s pretty quiet at noon. Not a lot of traffic in there until after 7:00 p.m.”

Was he so transparent or was Kaidan so perceptive? He must have broadcast some pretty powerful signals. Taking a breath, Jon fought down his demons. He could do it. A glance at Kaidan walking away, still dressed as he’d been for PT. _Yes_ , he could definitely do this.

“Lead on then.” The smile he received in return over the shoulder was worth every single doubt.


	6. Sea of Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I felt a tremendous distance between myself and everything real - Hunter S. Thompson_

Jon entered Archangel’s behind Kaidan, stopping just inside the door, trying to look everywhere at once. It may have been referred to as a bar but it had the ambience of many a pub he’d seen in Europe. The place also gave off the same type of cozy and comfortable atmosphere.

Oak wood stained a rich, golden color covered every available surface - walls, floors, tables, bar - without being overpowering. It gleamed beneath the lights with a high polish. Several high backed stools covered in worn blue leather were lined up, straight as a ruler, along an L-shaped bar running almost the full length of the room. Just a couple of those chairs were skewed. Customers sat at them, staring morosely into drinks, fingers wrapped tightly around a glass as if it was a lifeline.

Jon noticed their heavy-lidded eyes glance into the mirrors opposite them. What they saw in those reflective slivers hidden between the liquor bottles he wasn’t sure. It could be they were simply staring at the bottles themselves, deciding which one would be their next poison. He knew the feeling. 

A warm amber glow filled the pub, emanating from wall sconces and low hanging pendant lights. Soft, whispered voices filled the air, a few tables occupied in the odd time between lunch and late afternoon. Signs and decorations covered the walls: pendants for sports teams along with advertisements for gasoline, soda, restaurants and a few for movies from an era long gone.

In the back, a set of stairs led to another room. Jon wondered what might be up there but his curiosity would have to be satisfied another time. No way was he was going up those with his bum leg.

“Kaidan! Been a long time. Thought maybe you forgot about me.” An incredibly tall, thinly built man behind the counter smiled as he polished tumblers. Dark blonde hair was short and neatly styled, not a hair out of place.

Kaidan snorted, “As if I ever could. How’s Archangel’s been treating you?”

“Excellent! I mean...have you looked around? No place finer in Mindoir than Archangel’s.”

“I always thought the distinction went to Rayya’s.”

Jon watched a faint blush appear on the man’s cheeks. “You don't play fair, Kaidan.”

Kaidan laughed in response. Jon liked the sound, wanted to hear it again. “Only the truth Garrus.” Kaidan himself glanced around, “Looks like you’ve been keeping the place up.”

“Well, you know, a few calibrations here and there keeps everything in line.”

The owner’s deep blue eyes moved away from Kaidan, coming to rest on Jon, who stood just behind him. From what he could see, the right side of the man’s face was covered in fierce scars starting just underneath his eye, down along the cheek and jaw, tugging at his lips - possibly even covering his neck. Jon barely resisted the urge to wince at the extent of pain the injury must have caused, knowing how he felt when people had done it to him before he learned to cover his scars.

The very intense return scrutiny made Shepard feel like a bug under a microscope. The eyes were brimming with intelligence and something else he couldn’t quite fathom. What he did know was it made him feel uncomfortable. Touching briefly on the cane, those intelligent eyes came back to rest on his own. Oddly enough, Jon felt like he’d just passed some kind of test.

“Who’s your friend?”

“Oh, sorry! Garrus, this is Shepard.” He glanced back, “Shepard...Garrus is the owner of Archangel’s.”

Despite the awkwardness Jon felt with the whole situation, his lips twitched in an almost smile at Kaidan’s hasty introduction, clearly flustered at having forgotten. Nodding at the man behind the counter, Jon kept his response simple, “Garrus.”

He received a nod in return, “Shepard.” And then those laser eyes focused on polishing tumblers.

Jon resisted the urge to actually breathe a sigh of relief. Despite the mundane task Garrus was currently focused on, he was certain it would be prudent not to get on the man’s bad side. In front of him, Kaidan glanced at the bar stools, then at the tables and booths. The tops of his ears turned an endearing shade of pink, “So...uh, where would you…?” his voice trailed off.

Turning, Jon surveyed the rest of the room. His eyes went immediately to the booths along the outside walls. “A booth.” Kaidan nodded.

Not waiting for him, Jon limped with his cane towards one along the back wall, taking a seat in the corner so he faced the open room. Silence descended on the booth as they took their seats. Seeing the menus placed at the table, Jon grabbed one, feeling awkward in the sudden silence. Looking over the menu, he asked, “Anything specific you recommend?”

“Well, my favorite is the Loco burger. It’s a steak burger with bacon. Vega, he’s the cook, has some amazing specialty items on the menu he makes himself. His huevos rancheros are the best you’ll ever have for breakfast. Oh...the burger also comes with a side of steak fries.”

“Loco burger, huh?” Jon scanned the menu, located it. “You have a thing for steak?”

“You’ve discovered my weakness." Kaidan smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners, and Jon’s heart began to beat a little bit faster. Those heavy eyebrows turned downwards into a worried frown so quickly, it was almost comical. "I mean...I know the steak fries aren't...well, steak. But...yeah," pink bloomed across his cheeks as he finished lamely, "I love steak.” 

Skipping right over the flustered explanation, Jon asked, “Only one weakness?” _Wait_...was he actually flirting? Would Kaidan know it if he was? Jon wasn’t even sure of it himself.

“I may have more. You’ll just have to find out.” The words were accompanied by a sly smile and a wink. Apparently, Kaidan _did_ think he was flirting and was responding in kind. 

Jon’s eyes dropped back to the menu. If only it were possible. “So, I’m guessing Vega is a good cook then?” A generic enough subject.

“Yeah, he is. Sometimes, he’ll come out and help serve during the summer months when Garrus hires a few extra people - another cook and a few servers. Jack’s the head waitress here, though.”

“Did I hear my name, Boy Scout?”

Kaidan smirked across the booth at Jon while rolling his eyes, “Speak of the devil.”

“In the flesh! You two ready to order? Hell is calling; they need me back.”

Jon wasn’t quite sure what to make of their waitress. She was nothing like what he’d been expecting. Her hair was shaved on the sides, the rest slicked back into a short, dark ponytail. It wasn’t what really surprised Jon, though. No, not at all. Every available inch of skin, except her face, was covered in tattoos, at least from what he could see anyway. There was even a tattoo on the side of her head where it was shaved. Loose fitting pants hung low on her hips while a tank top, cut off within an inch above her belly button, was what she wore for a shirt.

“Like what you see?” Jon’s eyes met cool brown ones above a deep, red-lipped smirk.

“Please don’t get her started. You ready to order, Shepard?”

She rolled her eyes but held her pen above the order pad she was holding. “Fine. You’re such a killjoy, Kaidan.” Her eyes locked on Jon’s and she asked in the most bored tone ever, “Well, Shepard, what’re you having?”

“The Loco with fries and a glass of water.”

Her eyes never left his as her hand scribbled something on the paper. “Playing it safe. How disappointing.” She turned to Kaidan, “What about you, Boy Scout?”

He stared her down, “Same but with a Canadian lager.”

“At least someone knows how to have fun. Vega will be out in a few. I’ll be back with the beer and...water.”

Jon watched her stomp off to the kitchen in her combat boots, “Does she always-” He searched for the right words, trying not to offend a friend of Kaidan’s.

“-have an attitude?” He finished for him. “Yeah, pretty much. Normally, it doesn’t bother me but I didn’t want her giving you a hard time on the first visit.”

Kaidan fiddled awkwardly with the napkin in front of him after his admission. While Jon was flattered Kaidan cared, there was also a degree of anger. An irrational feeling, he knew, but having someone come to his rescue in any way made him feel weak. Swallowing down a strong sense of pride, wanting to tell Kaidan he didn’t need anyone to fight his own battles, Jon took another route - settling for a simple, “Thanks, Kaidan.”

The other man looked up with a warm smile. No other words were exchanged as they stared at each other across the table. Both of them were startled when Jack set down their drinks. A smirk settled on her lips, eyes darting from one to the other. Opening her mouth, a warning look from Kaidan had her snapping it shut instead, glaring back at him before stalking off.

“I don’t think you won any points with her today.”

Kaidan shrugged, clearly not worried, “I can deal with Jack,” and took a sip of his beer.

Jon watched as he swallowed, tracking the movement. Swallowing in response himself, throat dry from the direction his thoughts had taken, Jon grabbed for his water and took a healthy drink. Looking anywhere but at Kaidan, he reached for a laminated ad sitting at the end of the booth. It showed everything from pies, cakes and ice cream to different liquors and beer.

“Have a sweet tooth? We can get something after the burgers if you want.”

Jon looked up, “I don’t, really. Used to when I was a kid. Sometimes, the ice cream truck would come around and all the kids surrounded it, like flies on honey.”

Kaidan smiled, “Spent a lot of time on my parent’s orchard growing up. Didn’t get to see any ice cream trucks. However, my mom was always baking something and everything tasted just so amazingly perfect. There was always something around to snack on: cookies, cake, apple or cherry pie.” He became thoughtful, “In fact, I don’t even drink my coffee black - too bitter.”

Jon smiled at the mental picture of a young Kaidan, hand always in the cookie jar or head in the fridge. The coffee on the other hand...he suppressed a shudder. Black was the only way to drink it. “I bet your mom was always smacking your hand, wasn’t she?”

He responded with a deep, rich chuckle. The sound sent shivers down John’s spine. “Did she ever! I was kind of chubby as a kid, always into the sweets. I grew out of the chubbiness as a teen but not the sweet tooth.”

Jon didn’t even realize he was doing it, eyes raking over Kaidan’s body when he said he’d grown out of the chubbiness. Boy, did he ever. Realizing it had gotten quiet, his eyes flew to Kaidan’s, mortified to see the heated gaze centered on him. _Shit!_ How could he backtrack?

“Two Locos with fries.”

Jon looked up to see a man, maybe a few years younger than himself, standing by their table, a plate in each hand. Vega maybe? The guy was huge, fitted grey t-shirt showing off very large, well-defined muscles. His hair was military short. He breathed a sigh of relief, saved by the arrival of the food. Jon had never been more grateful to be interrupted in his life.

Kaidan looked up and smiled, “Thanks, Vega. Nothing like personal service.”

“Hey, Shade, for you, anything. Just name it. Good to see you in here. Been awhile, no?”

“Things have been kind of crazy lately, haven’t had the chance. You doing okay?”

“Ahh, man, you know. Same ‘ol, same ‘ol.” James turned and looked at Jon. “Another one of your strays?”

Jon felt the floor drop out beneath him, couldn’t figure out for the life of him how he was still sitting here. _Strays?_   He didn’t like the sound of the word and was pretty sure it couldn’t mean anything good. Was it why Kaidan was being so nice to him? In retrospect, it made perfect sense why Kaidan was being so nice to him. In the back of his mind, he knew it had been too good to be true. Like so many times before, it turned out he was just another charity case. The hamburger in front of him didn’t look so appetizing anymore.

Not wanting to look at Kaidan but unable to look away, he watched a flush creep over him, turning his face a bright red. He didn’t look too happy with the younger man, either. “Actually, James,” the emphasis he put on the younger man’s name didn’t sound very nice, “this is--”

“Yo, Vega! Get your a--get back in the kitchen, you got orders to fill!” Jack yelled at him across the room.

“Shit. Well, gotta go. Later, Kaidan.” He nodded in Jon’s direction and made a beeline for the kitchen and Jack’s wrath.

Kaidan was clearly upset, rubbing the back his neck again. His face was no longer an alarming shade of red but was still slightly flushed. “Sorry, Shepard. Vega didn’t mean anything. I, uh...I should probably explain why he said what he did.”

The last thing Jon wanted was to hear some long drawn out explanation followed by words of comfort or even the usual platitudes or lame excuses. There’d been enough of them since the IED to last him a lifetime. Even though Vega’s observation and words hurt, Jon didn’t really know Kaidan. Maybe he _was_ just being nice, which would have been just fine. It was just...Jon had stomached about all he could handle of people ‘being nice’ to him for one reason or another, treating him with kid gloves. He was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Then again, maybe there was more to how he felt but refused to go down there.

Maybe coming to Mindoir had been a mistake.

He shook his head in an effort to Kaidan to stop apologizing, “It’s okay. I get it. I really do but...I don’t need help, okay? Thanks for lunch, I’m just...not really hungry anymore.”

His struggle to get out of the booth made harder by the instinctual urge to flee and the limitations of his knee, Jon finally managed to get out and stand. He grabbed his wallet, threw a five and ten dollar bill on the table. “Should be enough to cover my half. Whatever’s left, Jack can have. See you around.”

In truth, Jon wasn’t sure he even wanted to see Kaidan again.

Turning, he hobbled past the bar and out the door. It was really stupid for him to feel like his heart had been trampled on. A small part of him - okay, a big part of him - felt like just breaking down right here. For fuck’s sake, he was an adult. He was a Navy Seal, a damn combat veteran. He didn’t cry and knew he was being irrational. But damn if irrational didn’t feel good right about now.

Pushing open the door, he did what he was best at nowadays - running away.

* * *

Kaidan continued to sit in the booth after Shepard left, food growing cold, his appetite gone as well. Pushing the plate away, he scrubbed his hands over his face, fingers sliding into his hair. He tried to figure out the best way of fixing the situation. To understand _why_ he wanted to fix it.

Footsteps came closer, stopping at the booth. Someone slid in across from him. It wasn't Shepard. He’d probably never see him again after what happened. Besides, he'd memorized the sounds of the other man's walk the short distance from the door to the booth. These footsteps didn’t match up - most obvious was the lack of the cane. He refused to look up at whoever had sat down.

“So, date didn't end well, huh?”

His hands slid down to thump on the solid oak table, “What? It wasn't a date, Garrus. I screwed up earlier and upset him with something I said. I was trying to make amends...or something.”

“I see. The foot-in-Kaidan’s-mouth disease.”

Brown eyes glared at him across the table, “Not funny.”

“Depends on where you're standing.”

Kaidan had had enough. He wasn’t in the mood for Garrus’ sarcastic brand of humor right now. Fishing a twenty out of his wallet, he laid it on the table, picking up the money Shepard had thrown down. Maybe he could give it to Liara to give back to Shepard without his name being mentioned.

Realizing Kaidan was truly upset, Garrus apologized, “Sorry, didn't realize things were different this time. What happened?”

Kaidan’s head snapped up, giving him an odd look. “Different? What's that supposed to mean?”

“Well, your is completely different for starters. You’ve brought other soldiers in here but when they’ve stomped off or run away scared, you never let it get to you. Usually, you finish your dinner, come up to the bar for a drink and _then_ you leave.”

Kaidan stared at him, digesting the words. Garrus was right. Why now? What about Shepard got under his skin?

Jack told him he was a bleeding heart for suckers; Liara said he had compassion for the men and women who’d seen combat, an abundance of sympathy as well as empathy because he understood them when others couldn’t. Was it that way with Shepard...or something more?

“You’re thinking too hard again. Want to tell me where it went wrong?”

Kaidan sighed, “Vega said something.”

Garrus sighed as well, “Of course he did, because Vega doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut.”

“I can’t really blame him, Garrus. It’s not like...well, Shepard’s different, I guess. I get the sense he’s really hurting and any little thing…” shrugging his shoulders, Kaidan let his words drift off.

“Still, if you want me to, I’ll mention to Vega to keep his mouth shut for a change.”

A small smile drifted across Kaidan’s lips, “Thanks Garrus but it's not necessary. He was just being...Vega.”

Kaidan stared at the untouched food. Things had definitely not gone as planned.

“Don’t worry, Kaidan. I’ll take care of it.”

Nodding at Garrus, Kaidan turned and left, headed back to his house. A run on the beach tonight might be just what he needed to work out some of his frustrations.

* * *

Jon sat in the sand, back against a dune, at home in the shadows. He clenched and unclenched his injured hand over and over, as it rested on his thigh. A whiskey bottle sat untouched between his legs. The quarter moon cast a meager light along the beach, reflection fractured in the water.

He’d been here since leaving Archangel’s, overthinking the few words the kid, Vega, had said once he’d looked his way - _another one of your strays._ Refusing to acknowledge how much it actually hurt, Jon ran fingertips up and down the bottle of whiskey. What he really wanted was to numb the hurt, to hide his pain and not have to think. But he was more than that - at least, he was trying to be more than that.

Movement out of the corner of his eye made him flinch, reaching for a gun no longer there. His fingers twitched, ready to hold a weapon again - something he had no business doing in his current state of mind. It was a logical thought but it didn’t make it easier to stomach. He was, and always would be, a soldier first.

As his eyes sought the source of the movement, he saw it was someone out for a late night jog. Just a simple run down the beach. Eyes tracking the ease and fluidity of movement, he longed for it himself. Something so mundane, so effortless. Something the person jogging probably took for granted. He would trade places with them for even one run, if not forever.

In his mind he was sure their demons couldn’t possibly compare to the ones in his own. Straightening up into a standing position, he reached down and grabbed the bottle. Tonight he’d ward the demons off some other way.


	7. Edging Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?-Vincent van Gogh_

_“The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.”– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross_

_The darkness makes us hide behind a mask, keeping our scars hidden from the world. Overcoming the darkness, throwing the mask away - it’s what makes us stronger. It’s a hard thing to do, to take off your mask, expose yourself to new experiences, new people. I encourage you to try it, maybe with people who don’t know the person you were before. You might be surprised at what you have to offer or at what others have to offer you..._

The bottle had come back with another message inside.

Jon sat on the porch in the twilight, the whole day spent hiding in the cottage. After the previous evening’s fiasco, being out where he might be seen was simply not an option. Not on the beach, not on his porch, and most assuredly not in town. As the hours crawled by and his thoughts kept turning Vega’s words over and over, he wondered if he’d ever be able to set foot in Mindoir again, let alone Archangel’s.

Blue eyes scanned the message once more. He'd been holding the paper so long, it was crumpled and damp in his sweaty palms. Instead of offering absolution, the words seemed to mock him: _hard thing to do, to take off your mask, expose yourself to new experiences, new people. I encourage you to try it...._

He had and look at how well it turned out. He’d ended up being referred to as “a stray” and foolishly feeling hurt by it. Trying to take off the mask, just be himself for a change, is what had kept him inside all day.

The more he read the message, the angrier he became. It was irrational and he knew it. But how dare some stranger, a person who didn’t know him at all, didn’t know what he was going through, tell him how to live? Angry the message didn’t offer him what he wanted, disillusioned once again, his feelings bled onto paper.

 _I prefer the mask which hides my scars. Showing them to the world has so far only ended in disaster. There was a time I took freedom in my choices - loving where I wanted, living how I wanted - no thought of anything else. I took it all for granted. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be so free, forgotten what it’s like to love...to just live life as I once did. I don’t even remember what it is_ not _to struggle._

_I appreciate your optimism but anonymity in darkness is infinitely more comfortable._

Jon read it over again. The message was most likely too defeatist, a broken person giving in, but he didn’t have it in him to care. He wasn’t planning a trip out to the ocean again but he’d tried for more and look where it had gotten him. Maybe his life was just meant to play out alone.

Standing at the edge of the ocean, he threw the bottle into the waves. The arc of its momentum was propelled by the emotion churning within him. Turning back to the house, he made his way inside, collapsing on the bed, only to spend the rest of the night lying awake in the dark.

* * *

Sunlight filtered inside the room, the white gauzy curtains offering no resistance. Turning to his other side, Jon attempted to resist the sun’s effort to rouse him from bed but to no avail. Checking the clock by the bed, he saw it was 0900. When was the last time he’d slept so late? Probably back in the hospital, after he was injured and high on meds. Then again, he wasn’t sure exactly what time he’d finally fallen asleep. At the break of dawn, most likely.

Reaching his arms up to the ceiling, he stretched, immediately regretting the action as a muscle spasmed painfully in his back., the pain traveling downwards into his leg. Jon gritted his teeth against the pain. Once it was marginally bearable, he called Thessia’s. He was put on hold while a receptionist he didn’t know put Liara on the phone. She told him to come right away, after Jon assured her he could get there. He wasn’t entirely sure it wouldn’t be the most agonizing drive ever but it didn’t matter right now. First step was getting dressed. Then he’d worry about the drive over.

* * *

Liara was waiting outside the office when he pulled up, rushing over to the jeep to help him out. He’d started to tell her he could do it himself but one look at her face and the words remained unspoken. Fitting her body against his, Jon had a moment of surprise. Under those nondescript scrubs was a well toned body. The doc was stronger than she looked.

She was usually quiet and there were times he’d felt she seemed almost shy, but her demeanor right now was entirely different. Sure, she’d given him a stern doctor stare when telling him to do more exercise while still being careful, but right now, the look on her face was well part stern. He was regretful about disappointing her.

Once inside, they both rested for a moment and Jon closed his eyes against the pain. He wasn’t aware of anyone approaching until a warm, strong body came up beside him on his right side, startling him. “I’ve got him, Liara.”

_Kaidan._

Jon wanted nothing more than to push the man away - except he couldn’t stand on his own. The last thing he needed was to fall at Kaidan’s feet, embarrassing himself. It didn't help the pain only intensified on his way into town. Kaidan’s body, strong arm around his waist, was the only thing keeping Jon upright. And, as loathe as he was to admit it, the smoky voice was soothing, calming his frazzled nerves. Even if it did also evoke memories of the other night - of Vega’s words - Jon couldn’t be bothered with them right now.

“I know the last thing you probably want is my help but...if you won’t let me help you, let me at least help Liara.”

The words were whispered quietly for his ears alone, Kaidan’s breath sending chills racing over his body, though not unpleasantly. It was like Kaidan could read his mind and despite not wanting his help, Jon would accept it for the doc. He was slimmer than before the injury but hadn’t completely lost all muscle mass. She probably needed a rest.

“Fine.” Blue eyes met brown and for just a moment, Jon forgot to breathe. Pushing the response aside, he glared at the man. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten what happened just because you're here.”

Kaidan helped him into a room and onto the table. “Of course not. I don’t expect you to.” A small, sad smile lifted one corner of his lips. Against his will, Jon found himself watching the movement. What was it about the man standing in front of him he felt so drawn to?

It almost looked like Kaidan wanted to say more but just then, Liara walked into the room. Placing a pill in Jon’s hand and handing him a small paper cup with water, she glared at him through fierce, blue eyes, short blonde hair disheveled and out of place. “Take it or so help me I’ll have Kaidan hold you while I force it down your throat!”

Stubborn to the last, a note of suspicion crept into Jon’s voice, “What is it?” The tiny white pill mocked him for being weak.

She threw her arms in the air in a rare fit of exasperation. “It's a pain pill and if you don't take it right now, I'll do exactly what I said!”

Deciding it was better not to push her further, Jon took the pill, eyes straying to Kaidan. The man was trying, unsuccessfully, to stifle a laugh. Bringing a hand up, he attempted to disguise it as a cough. Jon was never more grateful than when Liara trained her sites on Kaidan instead.

“You better not be amused, Kaidan. Remember, it wasn't so long ago I was putting you in your place.” Liara gave him a stern look, hands on her hips.

Kaidan straightened up, hand dropping to his side as a flush stole across his cheeks. “I'm sorry, Liara. I'll...uh...I'll be out in the main room if you need me.”

A sigh slipped out from between pursed pink lips as she wiped a hand across her brow. “Actually, I'd appreciate it if you'd stay as you know the routine, you know Shepard, and I'll need your help.”

Jon opened his mouth to protest but Liara fixed him with a look, daring him to argue. He snapped it closed, feeling for all the world like he was being treated like a child. He ignored the voice in his head speaking up - _because you’re acting like one_.

“I need to get my needles and some water.” She turned and walked from the room.

Great, she was leaving him alone with the guy who thought of him as a charity case. Stuck lying on the table with a cramp in his leg, Jon couldn’t exactly get up and leave. Throwing an arm over his eyes, Jon hoped Kaidan would take it as a sign he didn’t feel like talking. Unfortunately, the hint wasn’t taken or was simply ignored.

“Listen, Shepard...about the other night. What Vega said…”

So much for hiding. He resisted the urge to tell Kaidan off, to find a way to make him hurt like he’d been hurt. Damned if he’d give the man the satisfaction of knowing it though.

Removing the arm from his eyes, Jon sighed in resignation, “I don’t care what Vega said. I don’t care what it meant. It was nothing, Kaidan. Just forget about it.”

Kaidan appeared at his side, dark amber eyes concerned. Glancing away, he rubbed at the back of his neck. Jon’s eyes tracked the movement. He’d seen him do the gesture before. Jon had been trained to notice those little details, certain tells people gave away, communicating their state of mind. Kaidan’s wasn’t exactly hard to miss.

“I can’t...I need you to know...you aren’t...what he said - Vega. You aren’t...you aren’t a ‘stray’.”

It was almost worth it to see the man stumble over his words. “Kaidan. Just...stop, okay? I’ve heard the reasons, the excuses and everything else. I’m good. It’s over. Let’s just get through this and we can go our separate ways.”

If Jon didn’t know better, he could have sworn hurt flashed across his face. A trick of the light, surely. Why would he be hurt? It didn’t matter anyway, Liara was back.

Thrusting a bottle of water at him, she stared Jon down, “Drink. Part of the reason for your spasm is you’re not drinking enough. You’re dehydrated.” Before he had a chance to argue he was drinking plenty, she went on, “I’m not talking about coffee...or whiskey. You need to drink more water.”

There was simply no arguing with her when she was in this mood. Grabbing the bottle, he struggled to sit up, stiffening in response as Kaidan’s arm wrapped around his back for support. Why did it have to feel so good? Sucking down half the bottle - _he really was thirsty_ \- his eyes widened in surprise when Liara snatched it out of his hands.

“Enough for now. You shouldn't overdo it. Alright, we’re going to try dry needling.”

Wait. What? Dry...needling? Jon hated needles. The only reason he got shots in the military was because he had to. Plus, he refused to look weak in front of his platoon. Granted, they weren't around anymore, but he didn’t want to look weak in front of Kaidan, either. It would be a cold day in hell before he’d be a human pin cushion for the doc. _Oh. Hell. No._

Liara placed a warm hand on his arm, capturing his attention. “I won’t hurt you, Shepard. I need you to trust me. It may sting a little and you’ll likely feel sore for a few hours, maybe a couple of days, but I truly think the dry needling will benefit your healing process.”

She was so sincere in wanting to help him. Liara genuinely cared about her patients and he knew she only did what she thought was best. The pain pill was starting to take effect, dialing down the pain to a dull throb. Looked like hell had apparently frozen over.

“I’ll need to push your sweatpants up.” Her voice was quiet, soothing.

Jon felt cold fear snake down his spine. Kaidan was still in the room. _He couldn't see the scars._

Blue eyes full of anxiety and a fear he couldn’t disguise landed on the man who’d moved to stand quietly in the corner. Sensing the attention, Kaidan’s eyes met his. They were calm and understanding, and Jon saw no pity in them. Kaidan walked over to the table but looked across him at Liara. Jon didn't bother to watch their exchange paralyzed by his own fear.

Seeing movement from the corner of his eye, Jon turned. He watched, confused, as Kaidan grasped the sides of his shirt and lifted it up. Scars curved over his right side towards the back, not as extensive or as ugly and twisted as Jon’s, but they were very real. Hand trembling, Jon barely resisted the urge to reach out and run his fingers over them, curling them into a fist instead. When Kaidan turned around, his eyes were kind, words spoken softly, “It’s okay. I get it. If you want me to leave I will.”

Jon was still afraid, couldn’t form words to answer. Maybe Kaidan did understand but Jon simply wasn’t ready, couldn’t bear for him to see this ruined body. It was Liara who came up with a solution.

“Kaidan, why don’t you sit near the head of the table facing Jon.” She then looked at Jon, “I want you to focus on Kaidan. I promise he won’t look anywhere else.”

It was an even worse than the other night. Staring at whiskey-colored eyes while she stuck him full of needles? He wasn’t sure which was going to be more torture. Talk about a rock and a hard place. He almost groaned out loud at the poor choice of words. Jon’s eyes tracked Kaidan’s movements, watching as he grabbed a chair and set it down facing him. Jon indeed found himself gazing into those eyes. Kaidan gave him a lopsided smile and Jon felt his heart flip over in his chest. _What the hell?_

“She tortured me too. As you can clearly see, I’m still alive.”

The rumble of his words washed over Jon. “You are. I’m sorry about…” he stopped mid sentence as Liara rolled his pant leg up.

“Don’t worry about it. We all have to come to terms with things. You’ll get there. Just take it one day at a time.”

Jon turned back to see Kaidan’s eyes never left his face, never strayed down to watch Liara. He was grateful. Then Kaidan’s words sank in and it was on the tip of Jon’s tongue to ask - _how_ \- but he’d didn’t want to seem vulnerable.

Kaidan angled his head to stare down at the floor. Jon would bet he wasn’t actually seeing it and instead, saw another place and time entirely. Thick, black hair looking so soft, Jon was surprised by the sudden need to run his hand through it, to offer comfort. The pain meds must be making him delirious.

“It was about a year and a half ago.” Kaidan’s voice was quiet, words just loud enough for Jon to hear and not Liara. “I was Force Recon in the Marines, working with a group of Navy Seals. While gathering intel, our patrol was ambushed. I’ll spare you the gory details; you saw the outcome.”

Somehow, Kaidan knew what Jon needed to hear and wasn’t the only one going through difficult times. Was he really such an open book Kaidan could read him so well? It was like he knew Jon wasn’t ready to share his pain, so shared his own instead. Anguished brown eyes found his; it still hurt him to talk about it. Jon was amazed he’d opened up and for someone he barely knew. Vega’s words made a lot more sense now and Jon felt like the worst sort of idiot. Somehow, Kaidan had sensed he was ex-military and just wanted to help.

He was about to say something profound. What came out instead was a squeak as Liara inserted the first needle. So much for being a tough Navy Seal.

Kaidan chuckled and it sent Jon’s heart beating in triple time, the sound washing over him. “The worst part is being unprepared for it. Feels almost like a cramp, doesn’t it? Only not as bad the one bringing you here.”

Jon nodded in response. Kaidan stared at him and Jon became mesmerized, unable to look away. He never felt the rest of the needles or even if they caused more pain. He only started, tearing his eyes away, when Liara rolled his pant leg back down signalling she was done. His body felt limp, like someone had pulled a plug and drained his energy. His leg was indeed sore like she’d mentioned but the kind of sore he could manage.

Liara left the room, then came back with a pad of paper and a pen, “I’m going to write you a prescription for some pain--”

“No. I don’t want it, don’t need it.” Regretting his harsh tone, he tried again, eyes going to hers, “Liara, I’ll be fine. I definitely don’t want to repeat what happened; I’ll do better.”

“I will hold you it - a promise is a promise. Otherwise, you’ll see me at your house every day.”

His eyes widened at the threat, relaxing when she laughed, “Don’t worry. I would at least call you first.” She turned and left the room.

“Need help sitting up?” Kaidan offered. Jon nodded, grateful for the help, head swimming with dizziness once he was upright.

“Whoa, easy there.” There was a note of concern in Kaidan’s voice. “Sure you’re okay to drive home?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Probably stay here for a bit before I leave.” He stared at the floor, gathering his courage. “Thank you. And...I’m sorry for the other night.”

A warm hand settled on his shoulder and Jon was grateful for the support. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. Listen, I’ll make it up to you, whenever you’re ready.”

Jon nodded, “I’d like that. Just...uh...maybe somewhere else?”

Kaidan laughed, “Sure thing. But you can’t avoid Archangel’s forever.” He glanced at his watch as Liara walked up.

She smiled, “Hot date tonight?”

Jon felt like he’d been doused with a bucket of ice water. Of course he was taken; the man was drop-dead gorgeous, had a killer smile and was always nice. A complete packate.  _Wait. Why do I care?_ He pushed the voice ruthlessly away, waited expectantly for Kaidan’s response.

“As if. I told Jack I’d meet her at Archangel’s for a few rounds of pool. So, I should go home, take a shower, and change clothes. You should come join us, Liara. Take an actual break for once.”

“Oh, no. Last time I tried, you pool sharks devoured me. I would love to come and watch, just not tonight. I have quite a bit of paperwork to catch up on. We’ve been quite busy. Another time?”

“Sounds good.” His eyes found Jon’s, “Take it easy for the first day at least. Then start the exercises she gives you. And drink plenty of water.” He winked and then he was gone.

 _He’d winked._ Jon felt his face flush. _Definitely no more pain meds for me._

“You’re smiling.” Liara’s words held a note of surprise.

He was? Well, damn. He definitely was. “My leg feels better.” It was the first thing he could think of to say. Hopefully, she wouldn’t notice see his ears turning pink.

“Liar!” He couldn’t deny it, even smiled a little at her laugh. “Kaidan is a good man.”

“Okay.” Jon wasn't sure what it meant. 

She was still smiling, words cryptic, “Just keep it in mind.” Back to being his doctor once again, she checked his leg, “How are you feeling? You know I can take you home. Come get you tomorrow, right?”

He didn’t want anyone at his house. It was his sanctuary away from everything and everyone. “I appreciate it but I’m okay. I’ll be careful, I’ll drink more water, I’ll do my stretches.”

She gave him the doctor look, “You’d better. You can also use ice and heat as well. Call me if the pain doesn’t go away in a few days. And keep working your hand.”

Images flashed through Jon's mind having nothing to do with the exercises she'd given him. He was in serious trouble here.

“I expect to see results.” Her words snapped his attention back.

He gave her a smirk, “Yes ma’am.” Carefully scooting off the table, he left the office, limping slowly back to his jeep.

The ride home wasn’t half as bad as the one into town. Back at the house, he set the papers with directions for aftercare on the table, kept limping until he was out on the porch. Taking a deep breath of the salty sea air, he let it wash over him. He’d come to love the smell, looked forward to it now.

A glint out on the water caught his eye. He got excited. It had to be another bottle.


	8. Holding Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” - Roy T. Bennett_

A few days later, Jon was back at Thessia’s to follow up with Liara on the dry needling. In the paperwork she’d sent home with him, it had mentioned benefits could be expected with more than one session. Jon wasn’t sure he was ready for that experience again. Although his knee did feel better, he'd prefer to attribute it to the benefits of staying hydrated and actually doing his exercises - not to being a human pin cushion.

If skipping the dry needling meant he had to live with a permanent limp, he’d find a way to deal with it. Having to use a cane is what really bothered him. It was like wearing a neon sign pointing out his weakness. It had to go but not if he was going to be stuck with needles.

Walking into the clinic, Jon glanced around, eyes immediately zeroing in on Kaidan as he did his physical therapy. This time, he was working his upper body. Last time, it was his legs. Having seen the scars along his back, Jon wondered how else he’d been injured. There must have been more to his injuries than just what he’d seen for Kaidan to still be coming here. Pushing those thoughts away, he checked in and took a seat. He desperately tried not to stare but it was a losing battle, eyes tracking the defined arm and back muscles as they rippled and flexed under his tank top with repetitive movements. It was mesmerizing...and hot. He shook his head. _Stop it, Jon_.

He’d thought about going over and saying hello but didn’t want to interrupt. Over the last few days, Jon had come to realize just how important physical therapy really was. Kaidan looked like he was in the zone, although there was an odd jerkiness to his movements.

“Shepard, you’re here! You can come back now.” Liara smiled at him from the hallway leading to the exam rooms. She wasn’t wearing her usual scrubs today. Black yoga pants and a fitted tee showcased her toned, curvy body. Definitely a walking advertisement for staying in shape.

Hearing Jon’s name, Kaidan had stopped his workout, turning to look over his shoulder. Jon watched as a smile lit up the man’s face, making him feel self-conscious. It was inconceivable to Jon, seeing him would make someone else so happy, especially Kaidan. Getting up, he walked over to Jon before he could follow Liara. As he came closer, Jon noticed a tense look, a tightness around his eyes and mouth.

Stopping before him, Kaidan glanced down at Jon’s leg. When those brown eyes came back up to meet his, the tense look was gone. Either Jon had been mistaken or Kaidan was hiding it well. “How’s the knee? Any better? Was there a lot of pain?”

If Jon didn’t know better, he would have thought Kaidan was the doctor and not Liara. “Yeah, it’s better. Still a little stiff if I sit too long but no more of those agonizing cramps. I’ve been trying to drink a lot more water, even doing my exercises now.”

“Instead of saying you are but not?” Kaidan smirked. It was almost like he knew Jon hadn’t been doing them before.

“Uh, yeah. Guess you have some experience there?” Jon couldn’t stop a sheepish grin as he acknowledged the truth of Kaidan’s words.

The tips of Kaidan’s ears turned pink but he gave a quiet laugh before confessing, “Oh, do I. Liara could probably entertain you with stories about how stubborn I was when beginning therapy.”

“Indeed I could but it will have to wait until after I’ve seen my patient,” her eyes tracked back and forth between them, “if you don’t mind.” She’d caught them both unawares.

Kaidan reached a hand up to rub the back of his neck. It was so...adorable. _What. The. Hell._ Jon had certainly never used those kinds of words to describe another guy before. He was in way over his head. This...fascination had to stop. The tense look was back, though.

“Are you okay, Kaidan?” Concern laced his words, blue eyes searching brown.

“What? Oh, yeah...yeah, I’m good. Little tired. Probably need more water.” A small smile tugged at his lips at the joke. He squinted at Liara who’d gone to wait near the hallway leading to the exam rooms. “Better go.”

Jon followed Liara into a room, glancing back to see Kaidan pushing a thumb against his temple. There was something going on, but Jon couldn’t do anything to help at the moment. Turning back to Liara, Jon asked the question foremost in his mind, “Are you going to stick me with pins again today?”

She laughed softly, “Not today, no. I need to assess what we did a few days ago and see how your leg is doing.” Liara proceeded to push, prod and put his leg through several movements. Once done, she asked him, “On a scale of one to ten, how bad was the pain after we finished?”

Jon thought back to a couple of days ago, “I’d say maybe a five, I guess.”

“Very good. How about the days after?”

“Probably a two to four. It’s gone now.” He rushed to tell her, “I’ve been drinking more water too and doing my exercises.”

She stopped what she was doing, her eyes meeting his. “It is good to hear. You soldiers can be so stubborn about doing what you’re told.”

A small smile played about his lips, “You wouldn’t be the first to have those thoughts. We follow orders to the letter when it counts.” Too late, he realized how those words sounded.

Liara gave him her doctor stare while putting her hands on her hips, “You don’t think your health and wellbeing are as important?” She stopped his argument with a hand, “Save your words. I’ve heard them all before, including from your friend, Kaidan. You have no idea how much you have left to offer the world.”

An impassioned speech from the doc, yet all Jon heard was _‘your friend, Kaidan.’_ They _were_ friends, he realized. At least, they could be once he stopped reading too much into everything. Jon’s thoughts wandered once more to exactly what Kaidan had gone through, which brought him to Thessia’s. It wasn’t his place to ask, especially with no plans of sharing his own personal story anytime soon.

“Everything looks good.” She smiled at him warmly, her happiness sincere. “I really am glad you’ve started following orders.” Her eyes sparkled with laughter with the choice of words. “It will help your recovery immensely.”

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, he eased off the table. “Are we good then?”

“We are. Stop by the front desk and schedule an appointment for next week. We’ll do another round of dry needling.” She didn’t see his shudder of revulsion, her back to him while documenting something on the tablet. He was determined to find a way out before then.

Stepping out into the main room, Jon searched for Kaidan. He’d finally worked up the courage to ask him to meet for a second chance at dinner. Using those words made it sound more like a date but if he reminded himself they were just friends, it took away some of the anxiousness and inappropriate thoughts. _It was not a date._

Glancing around, he saw Kaidan sitting in a chair at the back of the room, arm slung over his eyes. Walking over, Jon wasn’t sure what was going on. Maybe now wasn’t the right time to approach him.

“Migraine,” Kaidan whispered by way of an explanation.

Sitting down next to him, Jon was careful not to invade his space. He tried whispering, feeling like it was largely a failure, “I don’t know a lot about them. Is it bad?” Wincing at the poor choice of words, he figured all of them were _bad_. It was probably like a headache on steroids and had to feel pretty damn awful.

“Not...now.” The words stopped and Jon watched as Kaidan’s hands clenched. “I thought-” a pained grimace interrupted his words and he didn’t continue.

“Is there anything I can do? Do you need food, water?”

“No!” The answer was quiet but spoken sharply nonetheless.

It made sense. If the pain was so intense, it was probably making him nauseous, something Jon absolutely had experience with. All the same, he felt like an idiot. He was completely out of his element here, unsure how to help and Kaidan wasn’t saying much. Maybe the pain made it hard to think or even talk. While migraines were beyond his expertise, extreme pain wasn’t. Wondering what else he could do or whether he should just get up and leave, Liara stepped out of the hallway. Glancing around the room, Jon figured she was looking for her next patient.

Seeing Kaidan, her blonde brows furrowed in concern. Not even hesitating, she came right over, “Kaidan?”

“Six.” A very short answer and Jon wondered what it meant.

“Shepard, I have a quiet room in the back. Can you help him?”

He nodded in response, not trusting himself to speak. Liara’s voice was soft to begin with and just saying Kaidan’s name, she had merely whispered. Jon was used to barking out orders and speaking over the noise of dust storms and machinery. Well, once upon a time. In any case, his voice wasn’t as soft as hers. Kaidan moved his arm, squinted his eyes against the light in the room, shutting them again tightly.

“Got it.” Standing carefully, once he was upright, Kaidan swayed, a hand reaching out for something to hold onto. Jon offered his arm, wincing as Kaidan gripped it hard. “Guess not.”

“Put your arm around me and we’ll get you where you need to go.” The words came out softer than Jon thought he was capable of.

It brought a tiny lift to Kaidan’s lips but he didn’t open his eyes. “Flirting?”

Anxiety and worry kept him from answering, though his heart rate sped up at those words. Choosing to ignore them, he helped the man to the room Liara mentioned. Kaidan seemed to know exactly where it was. “Have you had them here before?”

“Yes.”

By the time they made it to the room, Liara was ready. It was cooler in here then the main room or the exam rooms and it was dark. As Jon’s eyes adjusted to the lack of light, he could make out a bed in the corner with a pillow and a blanket. He provided support as Kaidan lowered himself down onto it. Adjusting the pillow, he reached for the blanket, unfolding it quietly.

He barely touched Kaidan with it, “No.” His voice was rough with pain.

“Kaidan, I have your meds.” Liara held a paper cup and a small pill in her hand.

Opening his eyes...well, one of them, Kaidan struggled to sit up. Jon rushed to help him, putting an arm around his back for support. It reminded him of when Kaidan had done something similar for him. Jon waited while Kaidan took a very small sip of water to wash down the pill with. Liara nodded at Jon and left the room. Kaidan was probably drifting off with the help of the medication. Jon stood there, unsure of his place now. It was probably better just to leave. Without saying anything, not wanting to disturb Kaidan who was so obviously in pain, Jon turned to go.

“Stay? Please?”

Jon froze at those words. How could he refuse such a request? “Uh, sure. Anything you need?”

“Just...stay.”

Jon moved to sit, then changing his mind. Not even sure why he was doing it, he removed Kaidan’s shoes. Slipping them off carefully, he tried not to make any jarring movements. He spoke again, even softer, sure the man lying next to him wouldn’t hear, “I’m here for you, Kaidan. You...uh...you can call me Jon.”

He almost jumped out of his chair when a warm hand slipped into his. “...Jon.” His heart thumped so loudly, he was sure he’d have to leave the room so it didn't disturb Kaidan.

* * *

 Sitting in the same spot for a couple of hours was not something Jon was good at. In fact, he’d been surprised at the amount of time which passed while he sat by the bed, Kaidan’s hand still in his. He’d been content just letting his gaze wander over the other man without having those intense eyes on his. As the time had passed, Jon had been amazed at watching Kaidan’s facial features relax until he looked peaceful in his sleep.

As quietly as possible, Jon pulled his hand from Kaidan’s in order to get up and move around, stretch his muscles. He came very close to falling on his face, leg stiff and unbending from sitting still for so long.

Stopping in the corner of the room, he stood there, arms folded across his chest. Moving his knee back and forth, he worked out the stiffness. A rustling in his pocket made him pause. Then, he remembered what it was. The note from the last bottle. He hadn’t answered it yet. Trying to be as quiet as possible, he pulled the paper from his pocket. Reading it was impossible in the darkened room but he didn’t need to see the words as they’d been memorized already.

It started as always, with a quote: _There’s nothing stupid about wanting to be loved.-Nina La Cour._

 _Everyone in the world...okay, maybe that’s a little too broad. Everyone_ I’ve _ever known had one simple wish - to be loved, to be accepted for who they were. It’s certainly not wrong to feel that way._

_The darkness may give you anonymity but it won’t sustain you, won’t give you the one thing you seek the most. You need a lifeline, something - or someone - who gives you a purpose, to think of or go to when you’re feeling overwhelmed. An anchor to keep you grounded. Doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be. At some point, you’ll find yourself capable of treading water on your own, without feeling like you’re drowning._

Without realizing it, he’d moved back to the chair by the bed and sat down. The note was clenched tightly in his hands, causing it to crinkle loudly in the quiet room.

“Hey there...you’re still here?”

Jon jumped at the unexpected sound of Kaidan’s voice. Hoarse and low with sleep, it set all his nerve endings firing at once. _So not good. Not at all._

“Yeah, wanted to be close by in case you woke up and needed something.” Thankfully, Kaidan couldn’t see him blush at the admission.

“I...thanks, Jon. No one’s ever sat with me before.”

He felt a rush of warmth at those words. “Some migraine you had. Get them a lot?”

Kaidan made no move to sit up, just turned on his side, resting his head on his arm. “I used to get them a lot more. They’ve tapered off a bit as I got older. This one wasn’t too bad. Sometimes, I’ll be in bed for a day or so. Vision come and goes until eventually I can’t see. Lights and sounds become unbearable. Nausea hits me like a freight train. My hearing goes; I can’t walk or function. At times, my teeth hurt so bad I wish I could just tear them all out. Those migraines are the worst.” He paused for a few minutes, then continued, “After what happened on the last mission...well, things were really bad with my migraines for awhile. Everything has just started to get back to normal.” He paused, eyes catching Jon’s, “Well, my normal anyway.”

“Earlier, you said ‘six’ to Liara. What did you mean?”

“We have a system after the last one I got during PT. The number lets her know how much pain I’m feeling.”

Jon nodded in response, couldn’t even imagine having to live with migraines for the rest of his life like the one he’d just witnessed. The issues with his leg seemed inconsequential next to what Kaidan dealt with. And he’d had them his whole life. He noticed Kaidan picking at the sheet he was lying on, as if he was nervous about something. Looking closer, he saw his cheeks were flushed. Was he embarrassed?

“I-” Kaidan paused, took a breath, brown eyes met blue, “thanks for staying. I...hate being alone when one hits.”

Now it was Jon’s turn to blush. He nodded, unsure of what to say. The paper in his hand rustled and Jon realized his hands were shaking. He should just get up and leave now; Kaidan didn’t need him anymore and time stretched on, bordering on awkward.

“Hey...you making notes while I was sleeping? Studying my sleeping habits?” The smoky voice lowered even further, “Learn anything interesting?”

Jon couldn’t see Kaidan’s face in the darkness but he wondered what his expression revealed. How should he answer? “Uh...no.” Like he was going to admit anything to the man he’d just watched sleeping. “Just...something I was reading someone wrote me.” Jon almost groaned at his own answer. Why did he admit that? He wouldn’t care. Seriously, Kaidan made him lose all ability to think coherently.

“Must be good. Care to share?”

Jon’s heart stopped, the rhythm slamming into overdrive a few seconds later. There was no way he could share the message with Kaidan. His mind searched frantically for something to say, something which didn't sound harsh. It was like his brain had stopped working the moment his heart stopped. And oh...his lungs too. He struggled for air.

“Hey...it’s okay. You don’t have to. I was just curious.”

Relief slammed through Jon, his body remembering how to function again. “Sorry...I-”

“Jon, it’s fine.” Kaidan reached out a hand, placing it on Jon’s arm. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, ever.” His fingers trailed down to wrap around Jon’s, squeezing lightly.

Jon just stared at the hand in his, unable to stop a sigh from slipping through his lips with the contact. It felt good. Felt _right_. Jon’s forearms rested on his knees as he leaned forward, Kaidan leaning forward off the bed, hand still in Jon’s. So close, their eyes met, a heated gaze lasting for several long seconds. Kaidan leaned in even more and Jon wondered if he was going to kiss him.

The knob turned and they both sprang back as if a bucket of ice water had been thrown over them. Blinking against the light spilling from the open door, they heard Liara’s voice, “Is everything okay? Kaidan?”

“Fine Liara. Just tired. I think I’ll go home and take it easy for the rest of the day.”

“A very good idea, Kaidan.” She turned her attention to Jon, “And you, Shepard? I’m sure sitting there for a couple hours didn’t help your knee. Would you like me to massage it for you?”

“No, it’s okay. Thanks, Liara. Think I’ll head home as well.” He couldn’t stop the huge yawn, nearly cracking his jaw in the process. Kaidan and Liara both laughed.

“Okay. Take care, both of you.” She turned and left again, leaving the door open behind, allowing light to spill into the room.

Awkwardness descended over them once they were alone again. Jon couldn’t even look at Kaidan, sure he’d been misreading whatever the man’s intention had been. Doubt and insecurity ate him up inside. He got up, wobbling unsteadily for a few seconds, grasping the back of the chair until he felt okay to stand.

“I’ll...uh...catch you later, Kaidan.” Grabbing the cane he’d left by the door, Jon walked through the door. A spoken word had him pausing in mid-step, turning around.

“Jon?”

Kaidan was looking at him and Jon felt himself drowning in amber eyes full of warmth. It seemed impossible it was directed towards him. He didn’t trust himself to speak, instead waiting for whatever Kaidan was going to say.

“I still owe you dinner, right?”

He didn’t even know he’d been holding his breath, huffed it out on a laugh. “Yeah.” Jon wanted to kick himself; he’d planned on doing the asking. He was just so damn rusty at the friend thing...or whatever the feeling was.

“Give me a few hours and we can meet at The Oval Lobster. It’s by the pier.”

His eyes roamed over Kaidan’s face and body with nothing more than concern. “Are you sure you’re up to it? If you need to rest, Kaidan, we can make it another time.”

Those eyes never left his, “I’m good. Let me grab my phone and we can exchange numbers. I’ll text you what time-” seeing Jon’s raised brow, he stopped what he’d been about to say, sighing audibly, “- or text you if I’m not feeling okay to go. Better?”

Jon nodded, still concerned, “Yeah...better.”

They walked back out front together, exchanged numbers and Jon watched Kaidan leave the office, following close behind him. He had a few errands to run in town before going home. Guess tonight was the night. He was still kicking himself for not being the one to ask first though.


	9. Cut and Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Everything you want is on the other side of fear. - Unknown_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song by Disturbed - The Light

Jon had seen the restaurant Kaidan mentioned while driving along the road running parallel to the beach. The building was covered in bluish-grey cedar shake siding. On top of the roof was a large oval sign with _The Oval Lobster_ in fancy red script on a white background _._ Interesting name. It sat on a plot of land to the right of the pier, facing the ocean.

Anxiety over what to wear - _your meeting a friend, Jon_ \- how busy it would be - _get over yourself, you’re not so important people will drop what they’re doing to stare_ \- to what they would talk about - _just be yourself, you ass_ \- caused Jon to be several minutes late. It didn’t help Ashley’s voice was in his head the whole time he was getting ready. Well, maybe it did help a little, putting the whole idea of it all into perspective.

Jon faced his closet; there wasn’t much to choose from. He grabbed a pair of fairly new jeans and a long-sleeved tee. Over it, he wore a black jean jacket. The weather was maybe a bit too warm for the jacket but most importantly, he was covered, scars hidden from view.

Outside, he sat in the jeep, working up the courage to leave. Somehow, dinner tonight seemed more intimate than the other day. Maybe it was because Kaidan had asked him to stay during the migraine. Maybe it was then and all the other times he'd been around, how he focused so intently on Jon, really seemed to care about him - had even shared a part of himself.

Taking a deep breath, Jon started the jeep before he could talk himself out of going. On the radio was a song by a favorite band...

 

_When you think all is forsaken_

_Listen to me now_

_You need never feel broken again_

_Sometimes darkness can show you the light_

_Don't ignore, listen to me now_

_You need never feel broken again_

_Sometimes darkness_

_Can show you the light_

 

How fitting…

Shrugging off his wayward thoughts, he drove the short distance to the restaurant. Once again, he sat in the jeep, digging deep for the determination to walk inside. _Your meeting a friend, Jon._ He could actually hear Ashley’s exasperated tone, envision the eye roll.

_Sorry, Ash. I’m just no good at friendship - dating? - anymore._

Jon stared at the building from where he was parked. Large, square windows, trimmed in white, extended from one side to the other along the back, giving those inside an expansive view of the ocean, the pier and an occasional beach goer walking in the surf. The beach here was mostly quiet, not being one of the more popular areas. A deck sat to one side of the building, red and blue umbrellas open over the tables and chairs along it. A cool breeze blew in from the ocean, ruffling the edges of the umbrellas.

Getting out, he wiped sweaty palms on his jeans, grabbed his cane and entered the restaurant. His anxiety increased and he gripped the cane tighter. Was he supposed to seat himself or wait to be seated? Should he ask for Kaidan or was he already here? Did they know Kaidan here, like at Archangel’s and Rayya’s?

Trying to be casual, something he wasn't sure he was capable of anymore, Jon glanced around the interior. No one was paying any attention to him. His grip on the cane relaxed slightly, a relief to the recovering hand.

A partial wall, open on both ends, separated the long room in the back, windows extending all along it, from the rest of the interior. Where Jon stood, he could see booths along both outside walls, along the divider wall and some scattered tables in the middle. The walls were adorned with an arrangement of pictures and decorations of a nautical theme. Wall baskets with artificial flowers were placed in different places to add a splash of color.

Surprisingly, the restaurant wasn’t as busy as he'd expected. The interior was lighted but not overly bright. The back room was awash with the glow in the sky as the sun started its descent somewhere behind them. He saw a few families as well as some couples and groups of friends out for the evening. Information gathering and an eye for detail was still second nature, even now, when he no longer needed it.

“Are you Shepard?”

He froze, body tensing in surprise. It was a struggle not to overreact to the greeter’s sudden appearance. “Y-Yeah.”

Oblivious to his inner struggle, she smiled, “I’m Liselle. Follow me, please.”

He took a few deep breaths, following the bob and weave of short blue dyed hair with ease. Once he felt he could move again, Jon took the same path as her, praying he wouldn’t trip and fall into someone’s dinner as he hurried to catch up. She disappeared around the divider wall and Jon lost sight of her for a few seconds.

Following her around the wall, Jon stopped in mid stride as his eyes located the greeter. However, she wasn’t the reason for the sudden stop. His eyes were drawn to the man she was talking to. Damn but Kaidan looked good. _Really, really good._ He wore a v-neck tee in a deep shade of blue setting off his golden skin and black hair. The bits of grey at his temples made him look even more handsome.

Kaidan hadn’t seen him yet,engaged in a lively conversation with the greeter. He didn’t even have the decency to look tired from his migraine earlier. The man was having some serious effects on his mental health. Okay, his physical health too, truth be told. If he had a heart attack, Kaidan would surely be the cause. As Jon approached the booth, set under one of the large windows facing the beach, two sets of eyes turned towards him.

“Alright then, Sam will be your server for tonight but I’ll get your drinks.” She gave Kaidan a dazzling smile. Was she flirting? “Canadian Lager?” Apparently, they did know him here.

Kaidan grinned and Jon felt the temperature increase again. Just friends. He repeated the mantra over and over, stayed standing while Liselle turned towards him. He was not rewarded with quite the same smile. “And for you?”

“I’ll take the same.”

“Two Canadian lagers coming right up!”

“Decided to live on the wild side, huh?”

Jon gave him a sheepish grin accompanied with a shrug, “What is life if you can’t be wild once in awhile?”

“That’s the spirit, Jon.”

Warmth flooded him, hearing his name from those lips. He couldn’t make sense of his feelings but didn’t have an explanation for them either. Shortly after Liselle brought their drinks, Sam came to take their order. She chatted easily with Kaidan, even teased Jon a bit before leaving to turn in their orders.

The sudden quiet between them had Jon asking the first thing popping into his mind, “You doing okay? I mean...after your migraine?”

Kaidan nodded as he swallowed a sip of beer, “I’m...yeah, I’m good. Went home, took a shower, spent the rest of the time relaxing. Thanks for asking, though.”

“Sure. Wish I could have done more.”

Kaidan reached a hand across the table as if to comfort him, thought better of it, stopping short of covering Jon’s hand. “You stayed. I appreciate it. Sometimes…” He seemed about to admit something, then stopped. His voice lowered to a husky rasp as he spoke quietly, “Anyway, I appreciate what you did. Means a lot.”

The throaty baritone made Jon’s temperature rise, the heated warmth of it just...did things to him. Forcing himself to focus on the words as well as the sentiment, Jon was unsure how it made him feel. He wasn’t a selfish man by nature; he’d done plenty of things to help others out. Still, this felt different somehow and was unfamiliar territory for him. After a few minutes of introspection, Jon realized it made him feel good. Maybe it was just simply being there for someone while pushing aside his own problems.

“You said you were new to Mindoir, right? What do you think so far?” Kaidan eyed him over the bottle as he took another drink.

Jon thought about his answer, staring down at his bottle, twirling it around in his fingers. “It’s quiet here, undemanding. The town is scenic, postcard beautiful but unpretentious. The beach and the ocean have their charm, the sounds are soothing. ” He pushed away the dark thoughts accompanying the words.

A warm laugh came from across the table,“That was a mouthful. Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying it here. What made you decide to come to Mindoir?”

How to answer his question? He knew someone would ask him eventually, just hadn’t gotten around to thinking up an answer. Other than Tali, Jon hadn’t mentioned Anderson or what happened. With Kaidan being a regular there, he was surprised she hadn’t told him...or anyone else.

Keeping his explanation vague, “I lived around Boston for several years. Before Boston? Just here and there.” To keep Kaidan from asking any more questions he wasn’t ready to answer, Jon asked his own, “How about you? Have you always lived here?”

“No. I’m from Vancouver.” He smiled when Jon’s eyebrows rose, “I know, how’d I end up here? Short story is...someone from my squad lives here. I...needed a place to...well, to relax and unwind I guess. My parents own a condo in Vancouver but mostly take care of the family orchard further inland. They’re both great, but my mom, she can be....well, smothering.”

Jon couldn't disguise the wistful note creeping into his voice, “Sounds like a nice place. I’m sure your mom just really cares about you.” Not wanting to give rise to any awkward questions with his statement, he asked another question, “The orchard…it was the place you said you spent your summers, right?” For a brief moment, Jon contemplated who from Mindoir had been in Kaidan's squad, whether he’d met them yet.

Brown eyes shrewd and assessing, Kaidan chose to go along with Jon’s not so subtle tactics. “She does. I’m honestly not sure where I’d be now without my parents and their love and support. I guess...I know she means well and I love her for it, I just...wasn't in the right frame of mind. But the orchard, yeah...it was almost like a vacation. I had free rein of the place, sometimes family would come stay for a few days or a week. Had cousins I could run around with.”

Jon watched him, gaze turned inward, a smile teasing the corners of his mouth. There were a lot of happy memories for him there. What would it have been like to have a life like Kaidan's? To have family to while away the childhood and teenage years? To come out on the other side whole and happy? He’d never know. A life like his had not been Jon's to experience.

“What about you? Any family around Boston?”

Jon’s fingers twitched when he heard the question, almost knocking over his beer. He was saved from answering - Sam had returned with their dinner. Saved by food twice now.

“Grilled Salmon for you,” she set Jon’s plate in front of him. “And Kaidan, the baked stuffed cod.” Standing back, she set her hands on her hips, “Alright you two, anything else I can get you? Another beer?”

“I'd love one, Sam. Jon, you want another beer?”

“Sure.”

“Two more lagers then. Be right back!”

Conversation stopped as they both dug into their meals. Jon moaned in delight as soon as the salmon hit his tongue. The fish practically melted in his mouth. There was something to be said for good food. When he was active military, he actually ate regularly - if you could call the bland MREs and less than appetising camp mess hall fare actual food. As a civilian, he didn’t eat much at all; he’d forgotten what real food tasted like.

“Guess the salmon is good?”

The spell broken, Jon opened his eyes to see Kaidan gazing at him, brown eyes darkening with a heated look. Jon suddenly felt out of breath and his thought process stuttered to a halt, “Huh?”

“Some moan you made there.” Those full lips twitched with a smirk.

Jon’s mouth opened, closed, opened... _Sir, you look like a damn fish, shut your pie hole._ He snapped it shut. Ashley’s voice to the rescue again. There was not a coherent thought in his head at the moment. _I made moaned out loud? Shit. “_ I...uh...haven't eaten anything so good in awhile.”

“Hmmm, well, maybe I should make sure you get out more, sample different things.”

The wicked gleam in those whiskey colored eyes made Jon's mouth go dry. He grabbed for his beer, intending to take a drink...but it was empty.

Another bottle was thrust into his hand, “Here.” Jon ignored the note of humor in the words. Taking a swig, he looked up to see Kaidan's eyes on his mouth - his lips having just touched the same spot Kaidan's had been. _So damn hot._ He felt like he was going to spontaneously combust. Then, of course, the beer went down the wrong way and he started coughing.

Kaidan quickly moved across the booth, pushing Jon over with his hip, warm hand rubbing soothing circles over his back. “Any better?” The husky voice lowered in pitch, vibrating against Jon’s ear and traveling down his body.

“Ahhh….yeah.” Jon cleared his throat. “ Yeah, I'm good now.”

Brown eyes searched his with concern. Apparently satisfied, Kaidan moved back over to his side. Sam came by with their beers, smiling at them both. Looking at Jon, her smile fell as words tumbled out, “Are you alright? Is the food okay? Is there anything I can do?”

He rushed to reassure her. She looked like she was on the edge of panic. “The food is amazing. Could I get a glass of water, though?”

A look of relief passed over her features, “Oh, yes! Sure. I’ll bring one right back.”

Kaidan went back to eating his dinner, while Jon just stared at his. Was he never going to be allowed to finish a meal? It was the third time he’d been out to eat since moving here and every time ended in disaster.

“Finish your meal, Jon. I promise I’ll be good.”

 _I just_ bet _he’s good, sir. Better collect on_ that _promise_. Ashley’s whispered words floated through his mind. Jon looked up but Kaidan’s eyes were focused on the plate in front of him. Resisting the urge to groan out loud for a different reason, Jon focused on his meal. It was nice to actually finish one for a change.

Done before him, Kaidan moved his plate aside. From his limited vision, focused on his own meal, Jon watched as the other man fidgeted with his napkin before setting it aside. Several seconds passed and he began to clasp and unclasp his fingers, following the motions by drumming his fingers on the table.

Clearly, there was something on Kaidan’s mind, something he was hesitant to ask. His own thoughts conjured up the worst scenario. _He wants to know about the scars._ Jon choked down the last bite of food, hoping Kaidan wasn’t going to go shrink on him. He’d simply get up and leave then. The food settled in his stomach like a lead weight, the enjoyment of the night fading away in the face of anxiety.

“Spit it out, Kaidan.” His voice sounded harsh even to his own ears. He watched in surprise as the other man stilled completely. Several tense seconds passed while he waited.

“Why did you join the military?”

Jon let his breath out slowly. He could such a normal question. Up until the bomb, he’d loved what he did. For several months, he’d only wanted to go back overseas again. Although, at the time, his thoughts were darker and centered more on how to end his life in service to his country than in actually serving his country for the right reasons. Picking at the label of the beer bottle, Jon watched the tiny bits and pieces make a small pile.

Apprehension was evident in those clear brown eyes. He studied Jon before nodding his head. “How about another beer? We could walk out on the pier.”

With a pleasant buzz from the last two, Jon figured a walk would do him good. He nodded his agreement. Kaidan flagged Sam down for two more. When she brought them over, she cleared their plates and placed the check on the table. Glancing outside, he saw the sky aglow with brilliant colors, a reflection of the sun’s rays as it set behind them.

“Just let me pay and we’ll head outside.”

No way was Kaidan paying for everything. Jon grabbed his wallet, handed Kaidan a twenty. The other man just stared as if he’d never seen money before. His eyes found Jon’s, one dark brow rising in a question. “Take it or I won’t go out with you again.” _Wait...what? Did he just say that?_

Kaidan’s lips lifted in a sexy smirk, eyes flashing at the suggestive words. He reached for the twenty, “Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to lose such a wonderful opportunity.”

Their fingers brushed and Jon felt his face become warm with the contact and Kaidan’s response. Damn, he was really good at putting his foot in his mouth, especially around Kaidan.

Heading outside while Kaidan paid the bill, Jon stared out at the ocean. The colors in the sky were fading slowly but the lights along the pier were coming on as dusk was approaching. The door opened and closed behind him and figuring it was Kaidan, Jon started walking along the walkway connecting the restaurant to the pier.

Catching up to him, Kaidan handed him a beer. The silence settling over them now wasn’t uncomfortable and Jon had time to think about what he wanted to say.

“I joined when I was eighteen. I had a crap life until then...well, until I was about fifteen anyway. Those three years in between were the best I’d ever known, something I never could have expected to happen to me.” Surprised at how easy it was to tell Kaidan his story, Jon nevertheless stopped there. He hadn’t been asked for a personal history lesson.

“The older man who'd opened his home to me at the time was in the Navy, so I figured...why the hell not? Might be worth it to do something with my life. Growing up...and older...I’ve had time to think of my actions. I’ve realized it was the only thing I could think of to…” Finishing the statement would require more explanations. The beer was loosening his tongue. “Once I signed up, I decided to go the extra mile - I chose spec ops training before boot camp, became a Navy Seal. Join the Navy, see the world, right? Thought I’d be in for life, just like Anders--the guy who took me in. Only made it ten years.”

It was quiet then and Jon looked up to see Kaidan watching him. Right away, Jon knew Kaidan hadn’t missed his slip up, wanted to know more. What he chose to ask instead surprised Jon completely. “So, you’re 28?”

Jon took a long pull from the bottle, swallowed and then smiled, “Yeah.” An odd question. “That a problem?”

“No...not a problem. You just seemed...a little older is all.”

Jon feigned a chagrined look, hand to his chest, “Kaidan, I’m hurt. Do I look old?”

He watched the tips of Kaidan’s ears turn pink with embarrassment, bit back his own laugh as the other man stammered, “Oh! No...no, I didn’t think...I mean, you don’t look old at all.”

A true smile found its way onto Jon’s face. It felt strange. And yet, it felt good too, bantering back and forth...or flirting...whatever it was. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled, the last time he’d had fun and just relaxed.

They walked a little further, watching the colors splash across the sky in front of them. It was Jon's turn to ask, “Why did you join?”

He watched as Kaidan casually made his way over to the railing running all around the pier, leaning his hip against it while crossing his arms and looking out over the ocean. “I was 22 when I joined.”

Jon didn’t want to push but he wasn’t sure what age had to do with why. Dialing back his impatience, he figured Kaidan would tell him soon enough. Seemed Kaidan struggled as much as he did with some things. It made Jon feel closer to him than he’d thought possible. Resting his elbows on the railing, he leaned down next to where Kaidan stood, watching as the water changed colors, reflections from the sky.

“I was one of those really smart kids in school - a brainiac they called me.” Jon could hear a lingering hurt in those words, couldn’t begin to imagine what Kaidan had gone through.

“Regular academics bored me to tears and I showed an exceptional aptitude in technology. The teachers and administrators wanted to move me forward a year or two but my parents fought against advancing me. They didn’t want me to feel out of place. If only it had been so simple.”

Kaidan paused, clearly lost in past memories. “By the time I was in high school, I’d far surpassed all my classmates. One day some men in black suits from a prestigious school showed up to talk to my parents. They said it was perfect for ‘kids like me’.” Jon didn’t miss the sarcastic tone in Kaidan’s voice when he spoke those words.

“They talked it up, made it sound like some brilliant high tech school offering everything a regular school could not. How my skills would be nurtured and advanced. I didn’t want to go, no matter what they said.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable with the story. Just as Jon opened his mouth to tell him to stop, Kaidan continued, “The next thing I knew, I was there. It was called Brilliance, Adaption and Technological training. School, my ass. It was more like a boot camp for nerds. My parents had done all they could to resist but these people were...persistent and persuasive. I was hundreds of miles away from my parents, my home - everything I knew.”

Kaidan stopped talking for awhile, Jon wondering what could have happened to make him so quiet and introspective, even more than before. “A...tragic event happened and the school shut down. Life went sideways for me after but I eventually joined the Marines and ended up in Force Recon. I wanted to make a difference, not just in my own personal life but on a broader scale.” He glanced at Jon, gave him a small smile, “I didn’t make it past ten years, either.”

“Guess we have something in common then.”

Kaidan leaned down next to him, nudged him with his shoulder and smiled, “One of many.”

Jon turned, Kaidan’s deep brown eyes on him, those scarred lips so close. His eyes darted down, then back up. He heard more than saw the sharp intake of breath from Kaidan in the shadows. It was like they were opposite sides of a magnet, drawn to each other, unable to resist the pull.

Feminine laughter echoed around them and Jon pulled away, startled by the sound. His head whipped around, looking for the source of the sound, spotting a young couple at the end of the pier. The man was saying something to his girlfriend, her head thrown back in amusement. To be so young and carefree - Jon longed to have those days back.

Looking down at Kaidan, he said, “I should go.” He couldn’t decipher the look on Kaidan’s face.

“I guess I should probably head home as well. Thanks, Jon. I had a good time tonight. Maybe I can convince you to come back to Archangel’s, let me beat you in a game of pool.”

“I’ll have to think about it.”

“I know you don’t want to come back there and I-”

“Kaidan,” Jon interrupted him, hating the guilt in the other man’s voice, “I’d like a game of pool.”

He simply couldn’t deny the man anything. It felt good just to be around him and he now accepted Vega’s words for what they were - just an observation. Together, they walked back to the parking lot, both of them stopping by the jeep. Jon noticed Kaidan was just a couple of inches shorter than he was - a detail he’d overlooked.

“I had a really good time tonight, Jon.”

He looked into those eyes, the light from a nearby street lamp making them glow a brilliant amber. Once again, he found himself drowning in them, his breath coming faster. His tongue slipped out to wet his lips, Kaidan’s eyes tracking the movement.

“I did too.” With startling clarity, Jon realized he wanted to kiss Kaidan.

Something must have shown on his face as Kaidan reached out towards him, hand pausing in mid air as if suddenly unsure. Doubts disappearing in the face of whatever he was feeling, Jon stepped forward, eyes closing in contentment as a warm hand came to rest on his jaw. He was helplessly pulled forward into Kaidan’s orbit, unable -- unwilling -- to resist.

Jon inhaled deeply, surrounded by the crisp, clean smell of soap, much like the ocean at their back. Yet, there was something else - a scent belonging to Kaidan alone. It made his pulse race in response.

A shiver coursed through John’s body as soft, warm lips brushed against his. He lost himself to sensation - the featherlight touch so gentle, so patient. He wanted more, opening up to taste soft lips with his tongue. Kaidan moaned in response and Jon deepened the kiss.

Time was suspended, losing all meaning, until finally Jon pulled away, trying to catch his breath but Kaidan was relentless, following him, lips sliding over his again. A warm, strong hand slid along his shoulder, down his arm.

Jon flinched in response, shying away from the contact. He couldn’t bear for Kaidan to feel the scars beneath his sleeve - couldn’t face the questions, the look of revulsion to surely follow.

It would shatter him.

“Jon...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push.”

Blue eyes, bruised with uncertainty and self-loathing, caught Kaidan’s, shadows casting a weird half-light in the street lamps. “No,” his voice cracked on the single syllable. He swallowed, tried again, “No, Kaidan, please. It wasn’t your fault. I…wanted this...with you. It’s just...”

Turning away from the other man, John struggled with what to say, how to explain. What he wouldn’t give just to be normal again - to be whole and undamaged. How was he supposed to put those feelings, those thoughts, into words? How was he supposed to tell Kaidan _why_ and face possible rejection?

“Jon, whatever it is, I’m here for you. Please just let me help?”

He couldn’t do it. The pain of losing something he wasn’t even quite sure he had was more than he could bear. It would be better to end their time together now. Bowing his head in defeat, soft whispered words full of despair slipped from kiss swollen lips, “I’m sorry.”

He turned to go, unable to see the anguished look on Kaidan’s face.


	10. War Zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You keep storing up all that anger and grief. Eventually it spills over. Or you drown in it.-Leigh Bardugo_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FNG - military term for Fucking New Guy

Slamming the door of the jeep, Jon stalked into the house and threw his keys to the side. The momentum carried them through the air, crashing onto a table before sliding off onto the floor.

Angry at himself, at his actions...at his inability to find a way past the anxiety and fear plaguing him since the IED, Jon kicked at the leg of a table. His bad leg buckled and he fell onto the couch. Closing his eyes only brought those last incredible moments with Kaidan back, followed by his hasty retreat.

He’d been so worried about _being_ rejected, he’d rejected Kaidan instead. How ironic. Scrubbing a hand through his hair, fingers dug into his scalp. It staggered him to know Kaidan felt how he did...about _him_. If he was still the old Jon, hell itself wouldn’t have been able to keep him away. But he wasn’t the Jon from back then anymore and hell was where he’d been for the last several months, in the fires all by himself. Kaidan was a glimpse of a brighter tomorrow - something Jon didn’t feel he deserved.

Anger swept through him like a raging fire, thinking of the catastrophic event causing his whole world to change. A routine patrol checking for IEDs, down a long dusty road, buildings scattered in the distance. The fiery anger continued to grow as his thoughts touched on all he’d lost, how his life could have been different if he’d met Kaidan in another time, another place, as a different Jon Shepard, someone whole...the man he’d been before.

The desire to destroy everything in the house, everything he could touch, tore through him. The fire was beginning to burn out of control. And yet, underneath the anger, there was a rational voice like a small flow of water, telling Jon he’d regret it come morning.

Dragging himself up from the couch, he walked to the kitchen. Tonight was most definitely a whiskey night. Grabbing the full bottle of liquor, his eyes caught sight of the empty bottle, the one which journeyed through the waves. It taunted him. It sat where he’d left it after the last message. Grabbing the crumpled and beat up paper lying beside it, he reread the last message.

_There’s nothing stupid about wanting to be loved.-Nina La Cour._

_Everyone in the world...okay, maybe that’s a little too broad. Everyone_ I’ve _ever known had one simple wish - to be loved, to be accepted for who they were. It’s certainly not wrong to feel that way._

_The darkness may give you anonymity but it won’t sustain you, won’t give you the one thing you seek the most. You need a lifeline, something - or someone - who gives you a purpose, to think of or go to when you’re feeling overwhelmed. An anchor to keep you grounded. Doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be. At some point, you’ll find yourself capable of treading water on your own, without feeling like you’re drowning._

Had the person who wrote these words ever truly known pain in their life? Ever had monumental doubts and fears, ever been abandoned and then pushed from home to home? They had no idea what he was going through, how he felt. How hard it was to just exist every minute of every day. He had nothing to offer anyone, had nobody to turn to. His friends - _his family_ \- had died. All of them in one single day. He was alone now.

A simmering fury fueled his reply.

_I am drowning, you’re right there. As I'm writing, I don’t care anymore if I sink or swim--_

_The darkness is a hungry monster, intent on devouring every little bit of light I find. No matter how hard I run, it’s always breathing down my neck. You see...I don’t need a fucking lifeline and anchors only keep you in one place, weighing you down. I’ve been treading water for so long now I’m damn tired and weary of the uselessness of it. What I_ do _need is my old life back, the one where I was whole and complete and un-fucked-up. So tell me...how the hell do I get it back? It’s the only question I want an answer for...Can you even give me the answer I want?_

Jon re-read his message. Anger, grief, pain…

Those emotions were the sum total of his existence now. He’d tried to overcome. Oh, how he’d tried. His mind relived those last moments with Kaidan - _the feel of the warm hand against his jaw, the featherlight kiss...the moan he’d felt vibrate against his own body._ After tonight, he didn’t think he could face Kaidan again. Once before, he’d said those words but this time, it would be true. He was broken, so thoroughly and completely, it was impossible to imagine putting himself back together.

With jerky motions wrought by anger and regret, Jon stuffed the paper inside the bottle and stumbled out to the water. He tossed it into the surf. Maybe it would make it there, maybe not. At the moment, he simply didn’t have it in him to care. Back at the house, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey on the way to the bedroom. Maybe tonight, he could have a dreamless sleep.

_The world erupted in chaos, a loud explosion of sound, sand and rocks spewing violently upwards. The Humvee in front of Jon’s was launched several feet in the air before falling back to the ground on two wheels. It wavered there as they all held their breath for what seemed like hours - a precarious balance. Unable to fight gravity, it slammed down onto the driver’s side. Shockwaves traveled over the ground into their own metal cage, rattling their teeth._

_Time warped around them like a slow motion scene in a movie. They all watched in horror, minds unable to catch up with events. Kaidan’s body, from the gunner seat, shot outwards from atop the vehicle. Dancing a gruesome pirouette in the air, he smacked awkwardly onto the hard packed ground several yards away. He didn’t get up._

_“Son of a bitch!” Donnelly’s voice._

_Jon couldn’t tear his eyes from what he was seeing, mind and body frozen. Anderson and Ashley were in there. The thought was the catalyst setting him in motion. Throwing open the door, he scrambled to get out of the vehicle he was in, ignoring self preservation and protocol drilled into him._

_“Jon!” Donnelly’s voice wavered in fear. The man was cocksure and never afraid._

_“Shepurrrd, get your ass back in here NOW!” Wrex’s deep bass voice yelled._

_“Sheparrrrd!” Grunt screamed at him from his post on top of the humvee._

_He tuned them all out, his only thought to get to his CO and squadmate still inside the Humvee. Slamming against the back of the truck now lying on its side, Jon shouted, “Anderson! Ashley!”_

_The heat flayed his skin. Sweat ran from under his helmet and Jon swiped his forearm across his brow to keep it from his eyes. The crack of repeated gunfire came from the buildings in the distance, pinning them all in place. His ears rang with the barrage of the assault rifles along with the yells from his squadmates. The rebels were relentless, safely tucked inside their hideout. Sand blew across the platoon’s field of vision, stirred by the ever present wind. Visibility was nil, a break in the wind the only time the dust stopped long enough for a clear shot._

_Anderson called from inside the downed vehicle, voice getting weaker the longer they were pinned down, “Shepard, you better not...have your ass...hanging in the wind. You...behind my vehicle?”_

_“Affirmative sir, no ass hanging here.”_

_Ashley groaned - it sounded like pain but could have been the lame joke. Jon wanted to scream with frustration, rush around the edge of the humvee guns blazing, show those cowardly assholes how to fight in the open. A sudden sound, anomalous in the typical sounds of combat made Jon turn, looking for the source. Kaidan’s head snapped backwards followed by the rest of his body. “KAIDAN!” His voice cracked on the one word._

_No answer. The rest of them couldn’t move from their positions to check on him. Help was coming but it wasn’t fast enough. Adrenaline fired through his body, his heart a jackhammer in his chest. Rage at their situation as well as fear of the outcome warred inside him. He had to save his family. They were all he had._

_Yelling as loud as he could to be heard, “Donnelly, cover me. I’m going after Anderson and Ash,” he waited for a pause in the endless spray of bullets kicking up the sand around him._

_“Damn it, Jon. Stay where the hell you are. They’re still breathing. Wrex radioed our position.”_

_“He’s right, Jon.” Even in the small amount of time which passed, Anderson’s voice sounded weakened._

_“Fuck that! I’m coming to get you both out!”_

In his mind, he watched as the sand began to swirl violently around him, making him feel disoriented. When it cleared, he found himself inside the humvee. The scene before him was worse than any nightmare.

_Ash had been thrown to the far side of the vehicle. Blood covered her from head to toe - she was covered in nicks and cuts, deep gashes, which continued to ooze. Her dark brown eyes, usually sparkling with mischief, stared up at him, unfathomable pain in their depths. A smile tried to find its way to her lips, came out a grimace instead. A moan escaped, barely a breath of sound, “Get...Anderson.”_

_“I’ll damn well fucking get you both,” he growled at her._

_“Language, son.”_

_Even in the dire situation, his stubborn, hard-headed CO was reprimanding him. Blood gushed from Anderson’s side, a chunk of metal from the buckled door of the humvee embedded in it. Despite his obvious pain and the rapid blood loss, Anderson spoke with determination, “Get Ash and go. I’ll be fine...until help comes.”_

_Ashley spoke up from her corner, “No. You’re...the CO.” Her eyes closed against a wave of pain, before she opened them once again and looked at Jon, “You know it’s...the right choice, Jon.”_

_Closing his eyes tightly, Jon felt a scream building inside of him, wanting them both to shut up for just One. Fucking. Minute._

_Looking at Ashley again, he saw Kaidan instead, heard the husky voice, laced with pain, “Focus Jon. You can do it. Take a deep breath and focus.”_

_What the everloving_ fuck _was going on?_

_Eyes opening wide, Jon sputtered, “Wha...what did you just say?” He blinked, trying desperately to focus._

_Dark eyebrows furrowed in confusion as Ash looked at him strangely, “I said you need to focus. You okay? Did you get hit?”_

_What the hell just happened? He’d just seen Kaidan in front of him - hurt, bleeding, near death - speaking to him plain as day. He’d blinked...and Ash was back again. He'd had the nightmare before, many times, but_ never  _with Kaidan in it._

_Shaking his head, he let his eyes roam over her face before reaching for her hand and squeezing it tightly, “Ash…fuck...”_

_She tried to smile, blood trickling from her lips,“Fuck, huh? Damn, Jon...didn’t realize you...felt...about me...so strongly.” He could only stare, trying to interpret what she’d said. “Lost...for words?” Just trying to speak was starting tiring her. A cough wracked her body, more blood dribbling from her lips. A poor time to crack jokes but he was hardly surprised by it._

_“I can’t choose, Ash...I…”_

_Gathering her waning strength, conviction rang like steel in her voice, “You know...what to do, sir. It’s...been an honor.” Another cough, “Now, GO!”_

_Damned if he was going to give up, “I’m coming back for you. Don’t you fucking die on me, Ash.”_

The scene changed again, the action jarring and discordant, making him dizzy and nauseous.

_Propped against the back of the humvee for support, shielded from the gunfire slowly dying down, Jon held Anderson in his arms. The bullet wound in his own side made him dizzy and lightheaded from blood loss. Deep red liquid coated his uniform, stained his hands - hell, he'd left bloody handprints on Anderson's uniform. The man would give him grief for those stains._

_Jon could barely comprehend the carnage around him. Taking in the scene, his brothers and sisters - his family - were lying where they’d fallen._

_Looking down, he almost dropped the body in his arms. It wasn’t Anderson_ \- it was Kaidan. _He was covered in blood. Jon couldn’t breathe...no, please no. Not Kaidan! What the_ fuck _was going on? Why was he holding Kaidan?_

_“K-Kaidan...speak to me!”_

_Amber eyes, calm and full of understanding, gazed back at him. Blood coated Kaidan’s lips and he was unable to look away from them as they moved, “It's going to be alright, Jon.”_

_A bullet tore into the other Humvee, his eyes snapping up at the sound. The rebels weren’t letting up. It was only a matter of time before they either came for him or he had to venture out of his shelter...or blood loss took him as well. Looking back down, he saw it was Anderson in his arms again. None of it made sense anymore._

_Now, he heard his CO’s voice - almost a whisper, “You did good, son...you did good.” A deep breath, “I’m...proud of you.” Blood continued to soak the front of the man’s uniform. Jon applied pressure to no avail, Anderson's life soaking into the sand._

_“Don’t pass out on me. We're going to make it.” Minutes dragged by in a haze as Jon struggled to remain conscious. The fog in his brain parted long enough for him to realize there'd been no answer. He looked down, shook his CO’s arm, “Anderson?” Nothing. Throat dry with fear and coated with sand, he whispered, “Dad?” No…_

_He was gone, too._

_Rage and misery wrapped up in a scream cleaved through the air, ripped from his throat. The animalistic sound echoed across the desert wasteland. There was nothing left for him now. The only family he’d ever known was gone. He would join them, go down fighting as they had._

_Gently laying Anderson on the ground, Jon stood up. Squaring his shoulders, readying his weapon, he looked at the bodies lying around him. If not for the blood, they looked like they were sleeping - only, they’d never wake up again._

_Stepping out from behind the vehicle, he made his way towards the buildings in the distance. He'd honor them all - his family. Before a shot could be fired, another well placed IED exploded on his left. His body catapulted into the air and Jon felt much like a ragdoll might when tossed by a child. Then he was plummeting, the ground rising up to meet him…_

* * *

Blue eyes snapped open, the jerking of his body forcing Jon awake. Disoriented, heart hammering inside his chest, his eyes darted around the room, desperate to know where he was. In the darkness came a sound like the whispers of voices calling his name - those who’d died while he lived.

Sweat dripped down the sides of his head, coated the rest of his body. Tears slipped from his eyes, pain and guilt from being alive chipped away at his sanity. Arms tense at his sides, fists tightly wrapped in the sheets, Jon’s body bowed upwards, struggling against the wash of emotion. The action was born of a desperation to make it all go away, to exorcise these feelings from existence and leave him in peace.

Hours passed as Jon continued to struggle within the depths of the nightmare gripping him, devoid of any mercy and yet, only in his head. His anguished cries and maddened shouts went unheard.

Finally too tired to fight any longer, his mind released him from the gruesome nightmare, which has taken an odd turn. Awareness came back to him slowly as the sunrise washed the room in a pale light. Details trickled into his tired brain - the outline of the dresser, the door to the bathroom, the inkier darkness of the unlit hallway. He was in his bedroom at the cottage on the beach.

The whispers he’d heard were the curtains moving against each other from the gentle breeze.

Exhausted from his night of torment, Jon lie there for a time before attempting to sit up. Beneath him, the sheets and pillow were soaked through, likely the mattress as well. His shirt and sweats were as drenched as the sheets. He wanted - no _needed_ \- a scalding hot shower. There was a slim hope it would wash away the horror and sorrow along with his sweat and maybe even the memory of Kaidan having been in his nightmare.

There was a message somewhere in the specific detail but Jon refused to analyze it. He headed for the bathroom, stripped off his sodden clothes and turned the water on as hot as he could stand it.

* * *

Mid morning arrived and Jon still felt like he’d been drugged and beaten. Having no appetite, he sipped at a mug of black coffee, warm in his hands. The tendrils of steam had long since vanished and he could now drink it without scalding his tongue. It was a small comfort in the sea of turbulence churning in his mind.

He had an afternoon appointment with Chakwas today, scheduled randomly some time before. She had pushed for weekly meetings but Jon had only shrugged in response. Surprisingly, there’d been no insistence. It wasn’t like she could drag him in there after all, though he wouldn’t put it past her. In any case, Jon felt comfortable with her in a way he’d never felt with the other psychiatrist he’d been to before moving.

The appointment stayed at the forefront of his mind throughout the day, along with the haunting images of Kaidan, injured and bloodied - even dying - taking the place of his squadmates in the nightmare. It was upsetting and Jon simply couldn’t shake them.

Wanting to call and cancel the appointment, he’d picked up the phone several times to do it - had even gone so far as to call and quickly hung up once Kelly’s bubbly voice sounded in his ear. The cheerful, upbeat cadence grated on his nerves, raw and exposed from the night he’d had.

The images, the sounds, the reality of what he’d seen in his sleep haunted him still. Every sound he heard made him jump in response. He was irritable, on edge, waiting for something catastrophic to come and tear him even further from the moorings he’d established in Mindoir.

Glancing at his phone, he saw his session was only a half hour away. Couldn’t back out now, not unless he just didn’t show up. Guilt slid through him at doing such a thing to Chakwas. She’d been nothing but understanding and patient and deserved better than a broken soldier skipping out on his appointment. Pulling himself up from the chair, he went inside to dump the coffee and drive into town. Another part of the reason for avoiding the session, though he insisted to himself it was only a small part, was the fear and awkwardness of running into Kaidan in town. He couldn’t stomach the thought of actually seeing him after the nightmare.

Thankfully, Jon saw no sign of the man as he parked on the street. Stepping inside the building, Kelly ushered him into Chakwas’ office. For once, she was brisk and no nonsense, the bubbly attitude mysteriously absent. Jon was grateful but found her efficiency somewhat odd. Usually, he had to wait to be called into the lion’s den, which was exactly what he was thinking of it as he headed into her office.

Inside, Jon found Chakwas behind her desk, jotting a few things down. She turned to greet him with a warm smile. As always, her chin length silver hair was styled neatly. Her clothes always looked fresh and unwrinkled - no matter the time of day. He received an explanation as to why Kelly had seen him in so quickly, “We had a client cancel at the last minute. Since we aren’t meeting regularly, I had her bring you in right away so we could spend a little more time in therapy today. I need to make a few more notations, so just have a seat. I’ll be right with you.”

Jon wasn’t ready to sit down. He was still on edge from the nightmare, the added unknown element of Kaidan being in it, then the kiss and running away from him - everything centered around Kaidan right now. Adding all those details was the amount of caffeine he’d consumed today...well, it was a recipe for disaster. So instead of sitting, he paced around the office like a caged animal, not happy with having to wait.

Wandering over to a bookshelf in the corner, Jon scanned the covers, eyes drawn to specific titles: _How to Make a Spaceship, The Stars are Legion, Vanguard, Hidden Figures, What It’s Like in Space, The Case for Mars, Mars: A New View of the Red Planet…_

Dr. Chakwas hadn’t been kidding. She truly was interested in space. Belatedly, Jon noticed the scratchings of her pen as it traveled across paper had ceased. The stillness of the office settled around him. Turning, he caught her watching him. No embarrassment marred her features at being caught.

It was unusual for her to sit at her desk during a session and he felt agitated, uncomfortable at how it changed the mood of the session. Unsure as to what to do next, he took a seat on the couch, good leg bouncing up and down. Coffee had definitely not been the best idea this morning, let alone drinking it all day.

Then, adding to his tension, was the nightmare. He’d been overstimulated, stressed out and angry with no way to let off the pressure. His mind continued to run circles over why Kaidan had been a part of it. Maybe it was a mistake coming here. Eyeing the door, he debated escaping back through it.

“Jon,” hearing his name snapped his attention back to her, “you appear agitated.”

Staring across the room, he looked at the bookcases beyond her shoulder. The covers were an odd assortment of browns - something he’d expect in a doctor’s office - mixed with more vibrant covers of varying sizes and widths. There was no structure to them. None at all. He realized with sudden clarity it bothered him, barely resisting the urge to go over there and arrange them into an orderly existence.

Tearing his gaze away from them before giving himself away, his eyes moved erratically around the room, never staying in one place. Before he’d come for the first session with Dr. Chakwas, he’d expected exactly what movies portrayed - a shrink waiting behind the door to a plain office filled with a desk, a couch and a chair, certificates on the wall. A man or woman in a button up sweater or suit jacket who showed no emotion. Aged fingers steepled beneath their chin, looking down their nose at him through wire-rimmed glasses.

Nothing was further from the truth here. Dr. Chakwas’ office was warm and inviting, putting her patients at ease. His sessions before he’d moved to Mindoir had helped quite a bit but he’d never felt comfortable with the other doctor. Not like here. In the beginning, the relaxed atmosphere had only helped marginally. He’d still been nervous at getting to know another doctor - at starting over. Over time, she’d put him at ease.

It wasn't how he felt today.

“Did something happen you’d like to talk about?”

A standard question, though her methods were anything but standard once he thought about it. An understanding which eluded him until long after the session was over. He admired Chakwas - her tenacity and quiet strength, her willingness to get to the heart of the matter. What he didn’t like was when she applied those qualities towards him.

 _Fuck it all._ “I...I had a nightmare again last night.” He paused, debated. Should he tell her about Kaidan being in it?

She said nothing, waiting for him to continue, though she did move from behind the desk to her usual spot. The action alone calmed him a great deal, though it was something he refused to dwell on.

“Tell me about your nightmare.”

Resting his head back on the couch, he clenched and unclenched his bad hand. The room was so quiet. Closing his eyes, the world around him narrowed down to sound and smell - the AC running, the cool air around him, Chakwas’ quiet breathing, the tang of his own sweat from nervousness, Chakwas’ barely perceptible perfume, the clean smell of her office, the thunder of his heart in his ears - then it was all swept away as the nightmare returned, as strong as the night before.

“We were headed to a rendezvous point looking for intel. There was a loud explosion of sound, a shower of sand and rocks. The humvee in front of the one I rode in ran over an IED, flew up in the air, landed on two wheels and then fell hard on the driver’s side.”

Time slowed to a crawl. Chakwas’ voice sounded like it was far away, down a long tunnel, “What happened then?”

“I...I froze...wasted precious seconds when I could have saved lives.”

“How did it make you feel?”

How did he feel? Powerless, inadequate, enraged, like an FNG who didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. He told her all of those things. She didn’t react like he wanted her to and it pissed him off. He pushed the anger back down. Again.

She remained quiet, willing to wait for him to continue on his own.

He swallowed several times, eyes still closed, working past the dryness of his throat, “I finally un-fucking-froze my ass, ran to check on my squadmates and CO. The guys in my humvee were screaming at me to come back. I ignored them. I called out to my CO and Ashley, the other team member still inside.” A huff of sound, meant to be a laugh but instead sounding more like a moan of pain slipped past dry lips. “Got a reaming for it by my CO.”

She made no comment at his attempt of humor, dragging him back to a place he clearly didn’t want to be. “What was going on around you?”

“God…it was so fucking hot and the noise was deafening, everything happening at once. The rebels up ahead wouldn’t let up, the barrage of their assault rifles relentless. We couldn’t fucking _move_. I screamed at Donnelly to cover me...I had to save Anderson.”

Something in his voice apparently triggered her next question, “Why him and not Ashley?”

“Because….” Wait...what? He opened his eyes, looked at her. Why did she say that?

“Anderson and Ash. I need to save them both.”

Nodding at his words, she nonetheless dropped a bombshell on him, “You said you had to save Anderson. I was wondering why.”

 _Had_ he said those exact words? The thought staggered him. The guilt he carried within him since his platoon wasn’t a surprise. Survivor’s guilt. It was something many veterans lived with. He wasn’t special by any means. But...choosing Anderson over Ash? _Had_ he made the decision before he scrambled from his humvee? Had he made it before crawling inside to save them? Or had he only made the decision once he’d seen their injuries? Deep down, he knew the answer to the question - and hated himself for the answer.

Instead of giving her an answer - of giving himself an answer he didn’t want - he changed the subject. “There was something different in the nightmare - some _one_ , actually...in the nightmare.”

“Someone, Jon? Do you know them well?”

“I...yeah, I suppose. At least, I’m getting to.”

“Why do you think this person was in your dream? Do you have feelings for them?”

Did he? Jon pondered her question for several minutes but his head was such a mess right now, he couldn’t think straight. Although, if he didn’t have those kinds of feelings, why did he let Kaidan kiss him? Shouldn’t he have known it would happen?

“Jon?” She spoke his name as a question, still wanting an answer.

“I...don’t know.”

“How did he appear in your dream?”

Jon was quiet for several minutes before finally speaking quietly, “First, he was Jenkins, then Grunt. When I crawled inside the Humvee...for a brief moment, he was Ashley. Later on, he was Anderson.”

Chakwas sat forward, hands clasped, elbows resting on her knees, “What did he look like, Jon. What did he tell you?”

Jon glanced her way, couldn’t hold her gaze, looked away again. “He was...hurt, covered in blood...about to die.”

Suddenly, Jon felt nauseous, like he was going to throw up. Okay...session over. Not even looking at Dr. Chakwas, Jon got up and walked out of the office. He didn’t even slam the door on his way out, letting it close softly behind him.


	11. High and Dry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Pain is temporary- The pain you feel today is only to get strength to face tomorrow - Sivaprakash Sidhu_

Jon turned up the collar of his black leather jacket, red stripes along the shoulders and down the arms. A gift from Anderson, it made him feel closer to the man he’d thought of as a father. His forward momentum across the sand halted, eyes squeezing tightly shut against the pain of loss.

Over the last few weeks, the weather had begun to turn cold. The wind was often relentless on the open beach, today being no exception. He stuffed his hands inside the pockets of his jacket in a feeble attempt to keep them warm. Walking the beach everyday as well as being diligent with his home exercises paid off, his leg becoming stronger. Gone was the horrid black cane, a slight limp remaining. He was learning to deal with it.

There’d been no more messages by sea. While physically he was getting better, the struggle with anger, pain and a feeling of emptiness continued. Whiskey was a poor friend, yet always there when he needed to forget for awhile. The empty bottles gave him a reason to keep sending messages but the ones he’d sent out remained unanswered. He told himself it was better to let it come to an end, despite the fact the words rang false. Feeling hollow and bereft, his mind shied away from the knowledge he was dependent on a mystery person. It was more likely they'd simply gotten tired of his dark, moody messages.

Not surprising as it seemed everyone tired of him at some point and drifted away. Then again, maybe he was the one always drifting.

He’d seen Kaidan a couple of times in passing since the night at the restaurant. The first time was at Thessia’s where Kaidan had been doing his PT. When Jon’s exam was finished, he’d walked back out into the main room and Kaidan was gone. Jon refused to give a name to the feeling inside his chest.

The second time had been at Rayya’s. Jon stepped in out of the rain, thinking he’d get a coffee and wait it out. Kaidan had been there, smiling at an attractive woman, clothes simple and elegant, with warm brown hair angling down towards her jaw. Feet frozen in place, a tendril of jealousy worked its way through him. A quick extraction was the best plan - get back out undetected.

Only, Tali had seen him and called out, “Shepard! Where have you been?”

Jon didn’t answer - _couldn’t_ \- as Kaidan’s head snapped towards the door where he stood. As soon as their eyes met, the images from Jon’s nightmare flashed through his brain. It sucked the breath from his lungs. The only thing worse was the pain in the depths of those sorrowful brown eyes. Jon staggered backwards upon seeing it, still unable to catch his breath. On autopilot, he fumbled with the doorknob behind him, stumbling blindly back out into the rain.

He hadn’t seen Kaidan since.

The now daily walk to the pier and back over, Jon decided to drive into town. A new bookstore had opened up in the same place as the previous one and he was eager to check it out. Reading had become a way to escape his own harsh and pitiful reality.

Since the last session with Chakwas, he’d been unable to sleep. A few fitful naps here and there at most. Looking in the mirror was like looking at a ghost. He’d lost more weight, the muscle mass he’d started to build up was fading away and the skin beneath his eyes looked dark and bruised. The nightmares had returned with a vengeance and reading kept him from falling asleep. Mostly anyway. When he did, it was to wake up with his heart hammering in his chest, sheets once again soaked through.

He hadn’t been to town either. Every place in town reminded him of Kaidan. Nourishment consisted of crackers, peanut butter, coffee and Spam. As least the bookstore had no memories.

Grabbing his keys, he drove into Mindoir. Parking in front of the store, he glanced around, checking for Kaidan...or anyone close to him. The area was secure. He glanced at the sign above the bookstore - Kodiak Books. In smaller letters underneath, it stated - Let Your Imagination Take Flight. _Gladly._

A bell overhead chimed as he walked inside. Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply. The smell of real books; there was nothing else like it. He had some e-books on his phone, still there from when he’d been in the military. Long plane rides could be boring as hell and it was either reading or movies - usually the latter, truth be told. Now, he found a pleasant solace in other worlds and in the lives of different characters. It was nice to lose himself for awhile, forget who he was and the circumstances which brought him here.

“In the back. I’ll be right out!” A pleasant male voice called out from the back of the store.

Just wanting to browse on his own and avoid conversation, Jon started walking down the aisles. With the colder weather, a lot of the tourists had left Mindoir. The town was quiet even mid morning, which was perfect as far as he was concerned.

Gazing around him, Jon took in every little detail. The walls were covered in a dark red brick and mortar. Quiet, intimate nooks were placed throughout, perfect for a personal oasis with a good book. Shelves placed along the walls along with bookcases lined up like soldiers were packed with all manner of colors, titles and sizes of books. Neatly handwritten signs labeled the sections according to genre. Tall plants were placed in corners throughout the store. Jon could imagine himself spending a lot of time here.

The sound of footsteps grew louder, coming from the back of the store. Taking precautions not to be startled in the aisles, Jon backtracked to the counter. A dark-skinned man with a military short haircut appeared from around a corner, eyes a bright striking blue.

Seeing Jon, the man greeted him with a friendly, open smile. “My first customer! Welcome to Kodiak Books. I’m Steve, thanks for stopping by.”

Jon nodded in response, hands kept firmly in his pockets. “Shepard. The place looks great.”

“Thanks. It was my grandma’s. She knew my love of books, left it to me to take over or sell it. Thought I’d give it a shot. Thankfully, she left everything intact. Otherwise, I’d be out of my element here.”

Jon was confused. Since he’d moved here several months ago, the windows had stayed boarded up. Was this his grandma’s shop?

Steve laughed at Jon’s expression, a warm, rich sound. “The store was here, just not open.” He paused, looking at Jon in a questioning manner, “How long have you lived here?”

“I moved here several months ago.”

“Right. Well, the store has been closed for almost a year. The sign was taken down, the windows boarded up. My grandma passed away then.”

“I’m sorry.” The words seemed meaningless in light of such a loss but Jon wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Thank you. She was a spitfire and I’ll miss her.” Steve appeared to have come to terms with his loss, a wistful smile on his lips. “The store was her baby and now it’s mine.” He looked around the interior, “Going to take some getting used to, being grounded. Being in the sky is my first love but maybe I can figure something out on the days the bookstore is closed.”

“You a pilot?”

“Yeah, Marines. Started out flying a Hornet. I was damn good but the powers that be decided they needed me elsewhere. They put me in a Super Stallion. Squad HMH-366, the Hammerheads. We transported cargo mostly, occasionally getting a call for casualties.” He paused and glanced around the store. “Now I’ll be at the controls of a bookstore. Talk about a switch.”

“Did you miss the change, going from fighter pilot to a glorified carrier pilot?”

Steve shook his head, “Hell no! It was an honor to make sure our guys had what they needed, even more so to make sure those injured on the frontlines got back safely. I was damn happy to do it. In a war, everyone has their part to play.”

“Well, I’m sure if they switched you, there was a good reason and were damn glad to have you there.”

“Thanks. Were you in?”

“Yeah. Navy.”

“Did you see any action?”

Jon froze. Certain parts of his military life he was comfortable talking about if the subject came up at all. The action he’d seen wasn’t one of those parts, especially as it always led to what happened to him being discharged and coming back stateside. Time to dodge and evade, “I...yeah. Listen, I’m just going to take a look around, okay?”

Steve nodded as if Jon’s fumbling words were an everyday occurrence. “Sure thing. Just yell if you need help. My grandma had the place organized to the teeth and labeled, so the signs should be correct. I make no guarantees though.” Giving Jon another smile, Steve went back to whatever he’d been doing.

Relief poured through Jon. He was grateful Steve didn’t push for more information. Making his way around the store, Jon leisurely perused the books. There wasn’t a particular genre or title he was searching for. When something grabbed his eye, he’d stop and check it out before moving on.

Over an hour passed when a title jumped out at him - _Watership Down._ The title brought to mind something to do with the Navy or at least something nautical. It was not even close. Turned out, it was some type of fantasy adventure about a group of rabbits needing to find a new place to live. Surely, such a story would keep him from his nightmares. Right? Deciding he’d take the book and come back too look for more later, Jon walked up to the counter.

Steve was there rearranging things. “Find something?”

“Yeah,” Jon handed it to him, a little embarrassed to be buying a book about rabbits. His squad would have never let him live it down.

The former pilot didn’t appear to find it odd, though. “ _Watership Down -_ I love it! Read it overseas until it was about to fall apart. Made its way through my whole squad. You picked a good one.”

As Jon was paying, an angry growl came from his stomach, making his ears burn. The sound was impossible to ignore, especially in the quiet store. It would probably be a good idea to actually go eat something, though he’d have to wait until he got home.

“Sounds like you could use some lunch. I’ve been thinking about grabbing some as well. Have you been to Archangel’s? I know it’s a bar but…” The words faded away. Jon had the feeling distress was clearly visible on his face at the mention of the bar. Steve turned away, moving things around the counter as if it was nothing.

Jon tried to explain, “I have. Been there, that is. The interior is incredible. Reminded me more of a pub in Europe than a bar.”

Steve looked up, blue eyes searching his. His next words were hesitant, “Would you...want to have lunch?”

Jon would, though hadn’t planned on it being while he was in Mindoir and certainly not at Archangel’s. Okay, not anywhere in town, really, but Steve looked hopeful. Clearly, the man was all alone in town and had no friends yet. Wrex used to get on his case for always wanting to help people out. _You and your bleeding heart are gonna get you in trouble some day._ Still, he and Steve were brothers - in a manner of speaking. They looked out for each other. “Sure but…” Jon’s glance took in the store around them.

The other man shrugged, “No one else here. I’m the owner so I’ll just flip the sign and we’ll go.”

Well, couldn’t argue with that kind of logic.

* * *

 Walking into Archangel’s took Jon back in time to his first ill-fated visit with Kaidan. A familiar voice jarred him out of those thoughts, but the words weren’t directed towards him.

“Steve? Well, I'll be damned. You stateside now?”

“Garrus? Never thought I'd say it but it's good to see your face.”

“Oh, come on. You know you missed my beautiful face. You were pining - admit it!”

Steve snorted, “In your dreams, Vakarian. Those scars could haunt a person for days.”

Blonde eyebrows rose up to Garrus’ hairline as his arms opened wide, “Why just dreams when you can have the real thing? And you know, I have it on good authority, chics dig scars.”

Steve squinted at the owner, “Tali used those exact words?" 

Garrus rolled his eyes, Jon’s bouncing back and forth between the two, trying to keep up. It appeared they knew each other. It was also the second time someone had mentioned Tali in a way suggesting the two were a couple. Just then, Vega came out and Jon had the sudden urge, Navy Seal or no, to turn around and run. The man’s eyes moved over him briefly before focusing on Steve.

“Estaban, how's it hanging, man?”

The question got a laugh from the pilot, followed by a wicked grin, “A little to the left.”

Jon watched in fascination as the huge Marine turned a brilliant shade of red, visible even against his dark skin. “Really, _amigo_? You're gonna go there?”

Steve and Garrus both laughed at the response and Garrus spoke up, “Grab a table. Lunch and beer on the house,” his eyes caught Jon’s, “for both of you.” His tone let Jon know he expected no argument.

Not wanting to cause a scene again, Jon only nodded in response but he didn’t have to like it. Following Steve to a table, surprise lit his features when Vega came over to take their order.

He shrugged at Jon’s expression, reading it correctly, “Jack’s on break. I got you guys.”

The Marine paused and Jon knew with sudden, painful clarity Vega was going to apologize for his assumptions the other day or maybe just for saying them out loud. Now would be the time to make a hasty retreat and get the hell out of Dodge. Before Jon could figure out a way to make a break for it, Garrus walked up, placing a hand on Vega’s shoulder.

“Hey, Vega, just make them a couple of your famous Loco’s and grab them each a beer.”

“Sure thing, boss.” Vega took off towards the kitchen.

Garrus turned a chair backwards and straddled it, arms resting across the back while he and Steve got caught up on their lives. Jon was never more grateful for being invisible. A reprieve, one he was grateful of. For the most part, he tuned out as their voices just became a rumble in the background of his thoughts. With the turn his life had taken, he wasn’t in the mood to have a conversation about the military.

“Have you heard from Kaidan?” Steve questioned Garrus.

And suddenly, Jon was all ears. He willed himself not to look up, not to react in any way, as he was quite sure Garrus was expecting him to. Why, he didn’t know. His ears worked just fine though, so he continued to stare at his hands, exercising his left hand over and over. Perfect time to use those PT moves.

“Kaidan’s fine. He’ll be upset he missed you.”

Jon looked up. It registered Garrus said ‘missed you‘ as if Kaidan wasn't in town. Interesting. Steve looked confused at the owner's words but then it cleared and he smiled slyly, “Miss me? I'm here to stay, Garrus. I own the bookstore a few doors down now.”

“What? Great! Good to have you here, Steve. I know Kaidan will definitely be happy to hear such great news. But...bookstore? Really? Do tell.”

The mention and discussion of Kaidan shelved, Jon went back to staring at the table. The way they’d been talking, Jon’s mind read between the lines, coming up with the possibility there was something going on between Steve and Kaidan. A strange feeling wormed its way through him. Before he could figure out what it was, Vega was back with two plates of burgers and two beers in hand.

“Two Locos and two _cervezas_.” He glanced at Jon, studying him intently, then turned to Steve. “Good to see you. Been too long, man.”

“That it has, Mr. Vega, that it has.”

“He just told me he’s here to stay, James.” Garrus glanced at the Marine. He’d moved out of the way when Vega arrived and was standing to the side.

“What? That true, Esteban? I knew you couldn’t stay away from us for long, yeah?” Vega’s smile was smug.

“It appears so.” Steve smiled.

A customer hailed Garrus and Jack started yelling for Vega to ‘get his ass in the kitchen already.’ Back to their jobs, the two men left Steve and Jon alone. Silence settled over the table, each man intent on his meal. It gave Jon time to work up the courage to ask Steve some questions.

“So, you know people in town, then?”

Steve set his burger down, wiped his fingers on a napkin and took a sip of beer, “Honestly, I’m as surprised as you I know anyone. I lost touch with these guys after they went stateside. I was still overseas and when I got back, found out about the bookstore and then it took a million hoops to jump through to get where I am now.”

Jon took a sip of his own beer. One question answered. There was another, more important question rattling around in his brain but he was too scared to ask it. He was not entirely sure he was ready for the answer or why he wanted one to begin with. Taking another sip of beer, he needed something to wash down the sudden lump in his throat.

“These guys were all in the same squad - Kaidan, Garrus and Vega.” He paused, “No one told you?”

Steve stopped there, assessing Jon, who got the feeling he wasn't sure how much to reveal about the other guys or how they’d met. Jon could relate. While they were all brothers, in a military sense, Jon wasn't a part of their squad. Steve wouldn't willingly give out information if the other Marines hadn't shared with Jon already.

Jon hedged, telling him what he’d heard from Kaidan, wanting to learn more about the man who'd gotten beneath his skin. “I know Kaidan was Force Recon and was on a mission that went south. The patrol was ambushed.”

Not a lot of information but hopefully enough to satisfy Steve. Apparently, it was.

He nodded at Jon’s words, “Yeah, shit hit the fan alright. It was when I was flying the Super Stallion. Had to go in and get our guys. You’ve seen Garrus’ scars, kind of hard to miss. The end of the mission was how I met them all.”

Jon didn’t add he’d seen Kaidan’s scars too. Not knowing the situation with him and Steve, things might go badly if he admitted it. So, Garrus, Vega and Kaidan had been in the same patrol. Must be why Vega called him Shade. There was a story there. Maybe if Jon could get his head screwed on straight, he’d get the opportunity to hear it.

“I was shuttling supplies to a base when I got a call to pick up wounded nearby. It was their squad. Shit was hairy, getting them in and out. Guess it's why they sent me.”

There was no cockiness in his tone. He was just confident in his abilities, a simple matter of fact statement. He continued and Jon found himself listening intently, especially waiting for any mention of Kaidan. His limited patience was soon rewarded, though not quite in the way he expected.

“Over time, I got to know Kaidan really well. We just clicked.” Steve fiddled with a fry. “He's a really good guy, you know?”

And there it was. The answer he'd been dreading and without having to ask awkward questions. Why would Kaidan kiss him, send these...signals, if he was seeing someone else? Felt wrong to even think it. Jon began to think maybe he was truly losing his touch at reading people. Suddenly wanting nothing more than to go home, he drained the last of his beer and stood up.

“I need to head out, have some things I need to take care of.” What do you know, his voice was actually steady. “It was nice meeting you, Steve.”

“Likewise, Shepard. Thanks for having lunch with me and stop by the bookstore anytime. Even if it’s just to hang out and read, get away from things for awhile.“

Jon nodded and went to thank Garrus. He didn't want to seem rude and ungrateful. “I appreciate the lunch, Garrus.”

“Sure thing.” The man hesitated, seemed to make a decision, “Don't be a stranger. Any friend of Kaidan's is a friend of mine.”

Unsure what exactly he meant, Jon not sure if he even _was_ Kaidan's friend anymore, he nodded and left. He’d just opened the door to his jeep when he heard someone calling him.

“Hey, Shepard, got a minute?” It was Vega.

“What’s up?”

“I...um,” he shrugged, seemed uncertain but then plunged ahead, “well, I got some things on my mind. I wanted to apologize for the day you came in with Kaidan-”

This was what Jon had been worried about, so he cut the man off, “Look, Vega -- uh...James, right?” At the nod, he continued, “Don’t worry about it. We’re good.” Jon wasn’t sure they were, exactly, but it wasn’t like he’d ever be a regular here.

Head down, James clearly struggled with what to say, “Listen, I was out of line.” Straightening up, he looked squarely at Jon, “My squad, well, we were out on patrol. Got some intel and were sent to check it out. We got ambushed in a small civilian town. CO got taken out and suddenly, I was in charge. We had a soldier from the other side with us. Turned out he was a spy. I had to take him out. We fought back against the enemy and a lot of civilians died that day. Only me and one other of my squad survived. I was in a bad way after it all went down. Kaidan...well, he helped me get through it. Eventually, he asked me to join his squad.” His words came out in a rush but his eyes were clear and focused.

“I’m sorry, James.” He truly meant it. It wasn’t easy being the sole survivor; he should know.

“Thanks, I appreciate it. Back then I’d have likely torn your head off if you’d been sympathetic; I didn’t want to hear it. I…” he looked away for a few seconds, looked back, eyes intense as they snared Jon’s, “Kaidan...man, he’s the real deal. I’ve seen him bring soldiers here occasionally. He just wants to help. He’s a good guy and he doesn’t treat any of us like charity cases. I just wanted you to know.”

Well, Jon certainly had a lot of time to think about what James said. It wouldn't do him any good. He didn’t think Kaidan would ever want to see him again. He didn’t think he could get past his _own_ issues to try.

“I appreciate you telling me, James. It means a lot.” It honestly did. Jon just wasn’t sure what to do with the newfound knowledge. Vega turned and headed into the bar.

Back at his cottage, Jon sat down and tried to read the new book but it wasn’t working. Instead of seeing the words on the page, Jon kept hearing Vega’s words run through his head. Setting the book down on the table, he got up and walked out to the beach. Standing at the water’s edge, it suddenly occurred to him how far he’d come since the night several months back. He'd come out alive and he was still surviving. It wasn’t easy.

Gazing out across the ocean, he wondered where the bottles were now, the ones he’d tossed into the waves. There still hadn’t been an answer.

The words he’d written in each came back to him as well as when he'd sent them…

_No news is good news? I guess you don’t have an answer for how to get my life back. Didn’t really expect one anyway. Life changes us in ways we’d never imagined and it’s impossible to get back any semblance of innocence considering what life throws at us. Well, in my case. I don’t know what you’ve been through but you sounded like you knew what I was talking about in a sense - the darkness. I...I just wanted to say thank you._

A week later, there was still no answer. So, Jon sent another bottle with another message. It had been a bad week. He had the whiskey bottles to prove it.

_This is going to sound weird. Feels strange to write it down, even. I miss our mode of communication - bizarre as it is. I miss...the connection...I had with you._

_The darkness - it’s knocking on the door again, desperate to get in. I’ve been fighting it - or trying to. The things I’ve done...well, nothing has been harder for me than the struggle to keep it out. There are times I just want to open the door and let it take over. Fighting it is tiring and I just want to rest. I hope you’re okay. I hope the darkness hasn’t found you too._

Another week, no answer. Jon sent one more. If it wasn’t answered, he was done. His imagination was in overdrive, wondering what happened to the other half of the equation.

_Life goes on so they say. In a manner of speaking. I’m trying. Things aren’t what I expected, life isn’t how I wanted it to be. Yet, here I am managing to make it through day after day. I’ve thought a lot about your messages; I’ve kept them, reread them sometimes. Okay, I’ve memorized them. I’m trying...I’m looking for those gifts. You're getting my last message...I hope you’re okay wherever you are. And...thank you._

Jon sat just past the water’s edge, watched the sky before him turn a brilliant rose colored gold as the sun set behind him. Eventually, it faded into the purplish bruise of dusk. Far out in the distance, he saw a white sail glide by - a pinpoint of light in the coming of night. Those messages had been a beacon for him. With regret, he remembered the one he’d sent full of pain and anger, right before they’d stopped. Weary to his very bones, Jon stood up, turning to go back inside. Something caught his eye...a glint on the water?

Heart speeding up, hoping against hope it was what he thought, he turned back. Not caring he was fully clothed, he waded into the ocean to the spot he’d seen the flash of...something. Reaching out blindly, his hands swept through the water all around him. With excitement, his hands closed around something solid and he lifted it up to look.


	12. Touch and Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible - Doris Lessing_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Băobèi - means ‘treasure’ in Chinese. In my HC, Kaidan's mother is from Singapore and continues to use that term for her only child - no matter his age ;) Please feel free to tell me if that is incorrect!

Three weeks had gone by since the last time Kaidan had seen Shepard at Rayya’s. He was sure Jon had stumbled back out into the rain because of him. Whether it was because he was sitting at a table with Edi and thought they were more than just friends or because of the hurt he’d been unable to hide, Kaidan didn’t know.

A few days later his mother called, asking if he could come help with the harvest at the orchard. His parents rarely asked him for help, mostly content with phone calls and occasional visits. In fact, Grace likely understood better than Aleks his reasons for not visiting more often. Kaidan felt guilty for staying away when he knew she just wanted to comfort her only child. It was just...too much.

His father did not see the type of combat during his enlistment Kaidan had; he’d been injured early on and came home to stay when Kaidan was three years old. Aleks had seen many a veteran, some of them close personal friends, deal with the same struggles his son had. Even so, he just didn’t quite understand - to Aleks it was different because Kaidan was his child.

Knowing what he’d be facing in going to the orchard, Kaidan went anyway. He loved his parents no matter what.

The days working the orchard were long, filled with backbreaking work and Kaidan welcomed it. The first few days had been rough. Unused to working so hard, he fell into bed exhausted, too tired to dream.

Or so he thought. Every night was the same dream - the kiss he’d shared with Jon the night they’d gone to dinner. The incredible, soul searing kiss had forever changed Kaidan, rearranging his heart and putting it back together. He felt like a puzzle missing the most essential piece - Jon himself.

After the past three weeks of sleepless nights followed by arduous days leaving him drained, even his parents noticed a change.

He was standing on the porch, watching the sun go down in the distance, wondering what Jon was doing at the moment for probably the millionth time. It was where his mother found him. Wrapping a petite but steady arm around his waist, she watched the sunset with him.

“ _Băobèi_ , what bothers you so?”

“Nothing ma. Just not quite used to the type of work I'm doing here anymore. I’ve gotten a lot stronger since…” He didn’t want to go there again. “Well, I still have a ways to go.”

She wasn’t having his excuses, one of the reasons he didn’t visit often. He wasn’t sure how to put what he felt, what he’d been through, into words she could understand. His mother wasn't stupid, far from it. She was intuitive...eerily so where her only child was concerned. Still, he would have been happy to have her back off a little _._

“Kaidan, you know I’m here for you whatever you need. I have two working ears and you know I will never judge you.”

A smile tilted his lips up despite how disjointed he’d felt the last few weeks. “Yes, ma, I know.”

And she wouldn’t. Neither would his father, even though his thought process was different than his mother’s. As if the thought alone had conjured him, the screen door creaked behind him, letting them know Aleks was joining them on the porch.

He handed a lager to Kaidan, “Thought you might be thirsty.”

Kaidan turned a smile towards his father, “Thanks, dad.”

They tipped their bottles together and took a long, cool drink. His mother rubbed his back before going back inside to finish dinner. Without turning around, he knew she’d looked at his dad, shrugging her shoulders as if to say ‘your turn.’ Kaidan resisted the urge to walk off the porch and stroll through the orchard just to get away from them and how they...smothered him. Could’ve been worse. Not everyone had parents like his - ones who cared maybe a little too much.

“You know-”

“-she just wants to help. Yes, dad, I get it.” Immediately, Kaidan regretted his tone. Pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers, he could feel a migraine starting. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, son.”

The understanding tone grated on Kaidan’s nerves, which only frustrated him more. Frustration which was aimed entirely at himself. Feeling smothered when they tried to help, irritated when they placated him. He was never happy.

“But...it’s not okay, dad. I’m...I don’t even know. I can’t explain it.”

“Is it a someone you can’t explain, Kaidan?” He gave his father a surprised look, getting an indulgent smile in turn. “How do you think I knew? I felt the same way when I met your mother.”

His mother. Kaidan’s shoulders slumped. His dad probably thought he’d found a woman he cared about. Well...now what.

His father’s aged but strong hand landed on Kaidan’s forearm. “Son...look at me.” His father waited until Kaidan turned. “Is that the problem? Who you bring home? Kaidan, I won’t promise I’ll understand your choices whoever you choose to live your life with but know your mother and I will always love you. Whoever it is, whatever the circumstances, they will always be welcome and loved just as equally as you are - by both of us.”

Relief poured through Kaidan. At his age, it shouldn’t matter anymore. He was an adult and could live his life how he chose but...these were his parents. It didn’t bear thinking about how adrift and lonely he would have felt if they hadn’t approved of who he spent the rest of his life with - of Shepard. Although, there may not even _be_ a Shepard to approve of. Kaidan found himself wanting the approval - wanting Shepard - all the same.

“Thanks, dad. It means a lot.”

“So? When are you going to bring them home for us to meet?”

Kaidan shook his head, voice tinged with sadness. “We aren’t even at there yet. Maybe it’s all...one-sided.”

“I don’t believe it. If so, you wouldn’t be worrying about it so much. I’d bet it’s why you’re not sleeping at night, right? If you miss them so much, Kaidan...call them.”

Kaidan rested his elbows on the railing around the porch, staring at the bottle he held between his hands. How did one explain a relationship that wasn’t really one at all? Just something you knew you wanted and yet, you’d walk away if it made the other person happier. The impossibility of trying to find the words weighed on him.

“I’m guessing you can't for some reason? Kaidan, don’t give up. If it's truly what you want - who you want - don’t let them go.” With those words, his father headed inside, calling over his shoulder, “Don’t be too long, you know how your mother is if you’re late for supper.”

“Sure thing.” He couldn’t call Shepard but he could call Liara. Maybe she’d seen or talked to him.

* * *

 “Kaidan, it is so good to hear from you! I was beginning to worry.” Liara’s warm voice came over the line.

Holding the phone to his ear, Kaidan watched the sun setting in the distance. “Sorry, I meant to call sooner but -” the word triggered another thought, had him glancing at his watch. “Oh shit, Liara, I didn't think about the time difference!”

A laugh came through from the other end. “Don’t worry. I was finishing up some last minute paperwork and just realized the time myself.” A note of concern crept into her voice, “Kaidan, is everything okay?”

The sky was a vivid riot of color and Kaidan forgot himself for a moment.

“Kaidan?”

“Sorry. I...everything's fine Liara. I just wanted to let you know things went on longer than planned but I'll be back in a day or two.” He didn't have the courage to ask about Shepard after all.

“Well, it is certainly a relief to hear. It will be good to have you back, Kaidan.”

“Thanks, Liara.” At least someone would be happy to see him. “I should let you go. You probably have patients lined up for tomorrow.”

“I do but I always have time for a good friend - whatever the time.”

He could hear the smile in her voice even over the phone. “I'll see you soon, then. Goodni-”

“Oh! Before you go, Kaidan, do you know what is going on with Shepard? He hasn't been here in several weeks. I'm worried about him.”

Kaidan's breath caught at her admission. He hadn't been there? Where had he gone after they saw each other in Rayya’s? Should he have followed Shepard, made sure he was okay? A frisson of fear snaked down his spine. Yet, there was nothing he could do from here and couldn't get an earlier flight if he wanted to. _Damn it!_

He realized Liara was still waiting for an answer. “No, I don't Liara. Sorry.”

“Kaidan,” she was using her doctor voice, “if you know something, I would appreciate you enlightening me.”

He wasn't giving away any secrets. Not even to her. Putting as much sincerity in his voice as he could, “Honestly, Liara. I don't know what's going on.” It was the truth - mostly.

“Okay, then. Let me know if you hear anything.”

“I will. Bye, Liara.”

“Goodbye, Kaidan.”

The phone went quiet in his hands. He held it in front of him, the background lighting up as he thumbed through apps to find contacts. There he was. Jon Shepard.

How many times had he wanted to call, deciding a text would be better, only to veto that idea as well. Too many to count. He'd chickened out every time, unable to stand the thought Jon would hang up on him or not answer at all. Now, he wished he'd at least tried. A little late now.

A wistful sigh slipped from his lips. He'd just have to wait another day or two. His mom and dad still needed some last minute help. The light show on the horizon was over, so Kaidan went back inside. Tomorrow was another long day. Might as well see if he could at least get a few hours of rest. He’d get back to Mindoir and see if Jon wanted to talk then.

* * *

Holding the bottle up against the sunlight shining through the curtains, Jon watched the light refract off its surface onto the wall. He was bothered by the relief rushing through him upon seeing the slip of paper inside. To be dependent on a nameless, faceless person who responded to his disjointed, clearly despondent messages wasn’t healthy. He knew and yet, couldn’t stop the thrill of excitement making his heart beat just a little bit faster in anticipation, wondering what words he would find on the paper. These messages made him... _feel_. Whether it was pain, hope or even anger.

There was another instance where he’d felt...something. _That kiss._

For the first time, actually worried at what the message might contain, Jon carefully unfolded it, paper crackling loudly in the silence of his cottage.

_Before you give up, think about why you held on for so long.-Unknown_

_It sounds like you’ve had some time to find your way. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you needed someone to listen or to vent to but sometimes we are stronger when we’re left on our own. To be honest, I missed our...connection as well. I’m here, whenever you need to let your feelings out. Whenever you feel like the world isn’t listening or can’t handle what it is you have to let go of._

Breathing a sigh of relief, he was grateful whoever the person was, they were still answering despite the last few weeks. Letting his feelings out was cathartic for him. Maybe not rational but without it...

He refused to think about it. With this type of communication, there were no repercussions, no agendas, no sinking in the undertow all on his own.

Jon would send an answer...but later. Right now, he just wanted to let the words sink in and bask in the relief a response had come at all.

* * *

Kaidan couldn’t believe Steve was in town. He was here to stay as well, which was even better. They’d become good friends overseas. In some ways, Kaidan had almost felt like a counselor at times to the other guys. Okay, maybe not Garrus so much but to Steve and James he had as well as a few of the other younger Marines. The curse of always being the level-headed one, the one who looked like he had it all together. Looks could be deceiving.

When Steve lost his husband, Kaidan had been there for him. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like. The pilot shouldered the pain well, being strong and positive for everyone around him, falling apart in the dark of night. Steve never acknowledged it but there’d been nights he heard Steve breaking down when he thought everyone else was asleep. They’d still talked about Robert during the days, so Kaidan never confronted him about it. It would be good to see the pilot after so long, find out how things were going in his life.

But first, he needed to go to Thessia’s and see Liara, get started back on his PT. Very soon he wouldn’t need to go anymore. Once done there, he’d swing by Archangel’s and grab lunch. Garrus had been the one to tell him Steve was in Mindoir, had opened a bookstore. Something which seemed completely out of the ordinary for him. Kaidan figured he’d go on to fly jets or something similar as a civilian.

Pushing open the door to Kodiak Books, the bell over Kaidan’s head chimed loudly, echoing through the store. Giving his eyes time to adjust to the interior, he was disoriented. Long enough for a voice to call out in happy surprise, “Kaidan!”

Finding the owner of the voice, a grin transformed his own face, “Steve! Damn, it’s good to see you again.”

The former pilot quickly closed the distance, enveloping Kaidan in a hearty hug. Stepping away from each other, Kaidan assessed the former pilot. He looked good. Then again, Steve was always the one with a smile for everyone - no matter how bad he felt.

“Heard you were here. Figured I'd stop by. It's been too long.”

“That it has. So, where’ve you been you had to go and miss my grand entrance?”

Kaidan laughed, “Grand entrance, huh? What’d you do, fly a Stallion down the main road?” Steve laughed in response but shook his head and Kaidan went on to explain, “I was up in Vancouver at the orchard, helping my mom and dad with the harvest. They were short handed and needed some help. I ended up staying longer than planned as things kept piling up but it was kind of nice to get away for awhile. Take a breather.”

Despite the easy way with which he’d spoken, the exact wording wasn’t lost on Steve. “Everything okay, Kaidan?” Concern laced his voice.

“Yeah...yeah, I’m good. It’s nice to be back though and good to see another familiar face.” He smiled warmly, brushing off the concern. “Tell me how things went after I left and what brought you here.”

Over an hour passed as they caught up on each other’s lives, Steve occasionally getting up to take care of a customer. Eventually, the store quieted down some and they resumed their conversation.

“Hey, remember the time I was ferrying you guys back to camp and we crossed a river?”

Kaidan smiled, memories flooding back. Known for always following the rules, even he had welcomed a bit of fun. If his superiors wanted to call him out on it, let them. The intel they gathered was a coup and it hadn’t been easy getting it. Everyone on the team needed to let off some steam.

“Yeah, I remember. I’m not sure what the squad remembers more - the impromptu diving competition off the runners into the water or the fact I actually agreed to it - no questions asked.”

“I have to say it was most likely the uptight Major allowing his squad to let loose. Mr. Vega pushing you out the door when you refused to join in was probably a close second.”

Steve’s smile grew when Kaidan flushed at the reminder. It hadn’t been one of his finer moments, landing in an undignified belly flop. His abs had been sore for days.

By the time they finished rehashing the rest of the story, Steve had tears in his eyes and Kaidan was struggling to catch his breath. They both were startled when the door chime rang out loudly through the quietness of the store. As one, they turned towards the door. The rest of the world fell away upon seeing the person walking inside.

 _It was Jon_. Kaidan hadn’t seen him since returning to Mindoir. Part of it was timing - he’d only been back a day - and part of it was cowardice - what if Jon didn’t _want_ to see him again? Unsure of a reaction, he’d opted to not do anything. Besides, after their last disastrous outing, he hadn’t told Jon he was leaving or asked anyone to let him know.

Unobserved for the moment from where he sat, Kaidan let his eyes drink their fill of the man he wanted to get to know better. Eyes narrowing, alarming details became apparent. Jon had lost weight, looking much thinner since the night at the restaurant a little over a month ago. His skin was pale, dark circles standing out against drawn cheeks. Was it all from the night of their dinner or was there more going on?

“So...he's what it was all about, huh? Getting away?” Steve’s quiet, knowing voice interrupted his thoughts.

Not bothering to acknowledge it, Kaidan looked down between his knees. “You are too observant by half, LT.”

A quiet chuckle was followed by, “I’m trained to observe, Major.”

Kaidan’s lips quirked and his head came back up to see Jon staring at him across the room. He was powerless to turn away from those brilliant blue eyes. A million thoughts careened around inside his brain. Should he say something? Should he turn away? Should he get up and go over to him? Before he could make a decision, he watched those eyes track from him to Steve and back again. Something flashed through them, turning them from a clear blue into something darker. Was it...hurt? But why? It didn’t make sense.

Jon turned and walked back out the door.

“Shouldn’t you go after him?”

Pushing the hurt from his own voice, Kaidan admitted, “I’m not sure he truly wants me to. Something is going on and I feel I’m at the root of it all. We...went to dinner a little over a month ago. Things didn’t quite turn out well.”

“Trust me, Kaidan. Go after him. It’s better to know than be kept in the dark. Don’t let something which means so much to you slip through your fingers.”

Kaidan still didn’t look at Steve. He'd give the other man a few minutes to gather himself. The pain in his voice was all too apparent. Steve was thinking of Robert. There had been one last frantic call before he’d been ripped from Steve forever. Maybe the pilot was right. He needed to talk to Jon, find out where they stood. If nothing else, so he could go on with his life. Pulling his royal blue hoodie over his head, he took off after Jon.

Although, if this was over before it began, it was going to be damn hard seeing him in town all the time.


	13. Tell It to the Marines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sometimes you find your path, sometimes it finds you.-Max Brooks_

Jon sat in his jeep after leaving the bookstore. He told himself he was overreacting. All he saw were two friends catching up, laughing and having a good time together. It didn’t mean anything. Or did it? Laying his head against the steering wheel, he tried to get his tumultuous thoughts under control but to no avail. The insecurities he harbored refused to be quieted. The sound of a door made him look up.

Kaidan left the bookstore, stopping just outside. Glancing both left and right, Jon watched a frown mar his features. Was Kaidan looking for him? Brown eyes found his and time seemed to slow.

Swallowing the lump suddenly stuck in his throat, Jon watched Kaidan walk over. Palms starting to sweat, he rolled the window down, hands slipping on the lever several times.

“Hey, Jon.”

“Kaidan.” His voice was steady, giving away nothing of what he was feeling.

Jon wasn't going to make it easy for him. Then again, he wasn't sure what to say. Ruthlessly pushing away the nervousness, Shepard turned to gaze at the brown eyes he'd seen every time his own closed. What he saw made him pause - doubt, insecurity. It was a surprise to him as Kaidan always seemed so steady and self assured.

Kaidan’s raspy voice raised goose bumps along his arms; he’d forgotten how he loved the sound. “Can we go somewhere? Maybe talk?”

For several seconds Jon stayed quiet, Kaidan waiting behind him, mind going over the endless possible outcomes. “Okay.” He got out of the jeep and joined Kaidan on the sidewalk.

Kaidan's eyebrows rose up in surprise when he saw Jon walking, blurting out, “Your cane is gone!”

Jon smirked and spread his arms out, turning in a hesitant circle. He wasn't quite steady on his feet yet. “Imagine...no cane.”

Kaidan’s face flushed with embarrassment. “I'm sorry, Jon. I didn't mean-”

“Kaidan, stop. I was just messing with you.” Seeing the resultant shy smile caused Jon’s heart to flip over in his chest.

“So, when did you stop using it? Did Liara give you the green light?”

Jon’s happiness at surprising Kaidan was quickly replaced with embarrassment at the mention of Liara. He hadn’t been back to Thessia’s since the night at the restaurant. In fact, he’d only been to town a couple of times in the last month. A quick trip inside Tiptree Grocer’s and back out.

“I’ve been walking along the beach daily, doing my exercises. I...haven’t been to Thessia’s lately.”

His embarrassment must have been obvious, “Jon, it’s okay. I’m not about to lecture you on proper procedure here.” Kaidan’s glance was quick, centering on Jon’s knee, then away again. “I...used a cane for awhile myself. Happened the same time as the...scars I showed you.” His focus returned to Jon, “Believe me, I get it.”

Nodding, Jon turned and started walking past the many colorful and decorated storefronts, glancing at their details every so often. Kaidan had wanted to talk, so Jon waited patiently for him to start the conversation. He figured it was about what happened the last time they were together, knew it would come up at some point. Better to get it over with now. The anxiety he felt was not knowing from which direction, or what topic, Kaidan would start with. He had some idea but could be blindsided anyway.

They’d passed several stores already and Jon could feel his anxiety ramp up higher with every passing second. Why wasn’t Kaidan saying anything? Jon just wanted to get the confrontation over with and go home. Glancing to the side, he saw Kaidan looking out over the street, down at the sidewalk, then rubbing the back of his neck. _He’s nervous._ Interesting. What could cause _him_ to be nervous?

A long sigh and then, “Look, Jon. I’m sorry about the night at the restaurant. I should have - uh, _shouldn’t_ have...I-I got lost in the moment, I guess. I’m sorry.”

Jon stopped, turned to face him, “Kaidan, it wasn’t like you did everything all by yourself. I was there too, if you recall.” The wrong thing to say as the memories washed over them both. Jon watched those amber colored eyes darken with emotion. “I could have stepped away, could have said no. I…” he couldn’t look at Kaidan anymore. The words were spoken quietly as he forced them out, “I wanted it too.”

“You did?”

The pleased surprise in the honeyed voice hurt even more. Kaidan wasn’t going to like what he said next. Spine stiffening with determination, Jon looked Kaidan in the eye, again forcing words through his lips, “Kaidan, I can’t go on. I’m not who you think I am. There are things--” He stopped unable to continue. Walking forward a few steps, Jon turned his back to Kaidan. He tried to explain again without facing him, “There are things you don’t know about me, things I can’t...share.” Steeling himself to face Kaidan, Jon turned back towards him, “This,” his hand gestured between them, “us...it will never work.”

Jon felt detached from the moment, watched as every word slipping from his lips hit Kaidan like a hammer blow. Saw the expressions on the man’s face range from confusion to disbelief to sadness to pain. It was killing Jon to see it, to know he was the cause of the pain.

If Jon thought his heart was dead before, he couldn’t have been more wrong. Not if the pain he was filling now was anything to go by.

“Wait..what? I don’t understand. You just...you said you wanted it. Whatever you’re going through, whatever you’ve done you think I won’t understand - Jon, just talk to me.”

Turning away, Jon started walking again, running away like he always did.

“Jon...wait!” Kaidan called after him. “Please...let’s just talk.”

“I can’t Kaidan. Besides, you have Steve. What do you need me for?”

Behind him, Kaidan stopped suddenly. Jon stopped too, several feet farther ahead. “You--” a laugh, one of disbelief, came from behind him. “You think Steve and I are together? Why? What would make you think that?”

“The way Garrus talked about you to him. He kept saying how upset you’d be to know Steve had come and gone while you were...not here. He mentioned it several times. Then today, in the bookstore. You both looked-”

Lost in his thoughts, Jon hadn’t heard Kaidan move. The husky voice deepened, speaking up from right behind him sending shivers down his back.

“Looked what?”

It was a struggle to put his thoughts into words. When he’d walked into the store, he’d expected to see Steve at the counter or to hear his voice call out in greeting. After a few minutes, he’d let his gaze wander, saw both men sitting towards the back of the store. They were smiling, laughter slowly dying down as both sets of eyes turned to him. It all happened in the span of a few seconds but to Jon it seemed to last forever.

It was right then, he knew there could be nothing between him and Kaidan. The incredibly wonderful man standing behind him looked so happy in that moment - smile on his face, brown eyes full of laughter. Jon could never give him the happiness Steve could. He was broken, a complete mess...only half a man - if even that. Kaidan deserved so much more.

“Happy..” the word was whispered, as if it physically hurt Jon to say it out aloud. To know it wasn’t something Kaidan could ever be with him.

“You think I can’t be happy with you?”

Jon whirled to face him, stumbling back a pace when he realized Kaidan was so close. “No, you can’t. I have nothing to offer you, Kaidan. You need someone who can make you laugh, someone who isn’t a mess.”

Kaidan stepped forward, moving in close to Jon again. “How do you know what I need? Shouldn’t it be my decision?”

Shaking his head in denial, Jon tried again. Why wouldn’t he listen? “You’re not thinking it through.” He held his hands out to his side, looked at himself up and down, “I'm not what you want, Kaidan. Look at me.”

Those whiskey brown eyes darkened with desire, even in the light of day. “I _am_ looking Jon. I can’t look away.”


	14. Word for Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You cannot remove my scars or rewrite the past that haunts me. Just hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be okay.” — Michael Faudet_

The intensity of Kaidan’s gaze froze Jon in place. Closing his eyes was, at best, a feeble attempt to resist the temptation in the form of Kaidan, but he’d take it.

At least, until soft lips touched his own, shattering the attempt while simultaneously scattering his thoughts. The kiss was soft, sweet and gentle. When Kaidan pulled back, Jon could only stand there, brain scrambled, breathing hard like he’d run for miles. Opening his eyes, Kaidan remained close, dark amber eyes on his. An upward tilt of his mouth made the scars on his lip twist and Jon found himself unable to tear his gaze away from them.

“Are you hungry?” The question came out of the blue.

Blinking in response while his brain struggled to catch up, Jon’s first thoughts were anything but innocent. He pushed them away. “I-uh...” stomach grumbling at the worst time, his lips twitched in a sardonic grin, “guess I am.”

Kaidan laughed, a sound Jon never tired of hearing. “I could grab a couple of burgers, meet you at the pier?”

The day was mild, barely a breeze in the air. Lunch on the pier with good company? It sounded nice. “Okay.”

Kaidan’s face lit up with happy surprise. “Great! I’ll grab the burgers and meet you there. Unless you want to ride with me?”

Jon felt his face flush, thoughts straying once again to other meanings. By the way the amber eyes darkened, Jon knew he must be broadcasting those thoughts on a wavelength the other man was picking up - loud and clear. He really needed to get control of himself.

“I’ll...meet you there.”

The drive was a short one. Jon stepped out of the jeep, hands in the pocket of his leather jacket, and walked towards the pier. Resting his elbows on the railing, he leaned forward, blue eyes gazing at the ocean beyond. He reflected on the painfully exhausting night months ago, the difference from how he felt then versus how was feeling about his life now. Every day was still a struggle but somehow, he was getting through them. Maybe not always whole...but he was managing.

“To be honest, I half wondered if you’d run out on me.” Kaidan spoke up from several feet away to announce his arrival.

Jon didn’t turn, voice quiet as he continued to face the water, “To be honest, it did cross my mind.” Then he turned with a twist of his lips, “Would have been incredibly rude, though, don’t you think?” Besides, the smile Kaidan had given him back in front of the bookstore...well, Jon would do anything to have it remain.

Kaidan shrugged, brown eyes full of understanding, “I would’ve been disappointed, sure, but I would have understood.”

Somehow, Jon doubted those words to be true, thinking back to the hurt he’d seen on Kaidan’s face at Rayya’s when he’d rushed in from the rain. He wouldn’t call Kaidan on it though. He was just as good at avoiding the truth himself sometimes.

They walked side by side, the pier mostly empty. It was no hardship to find a bench so they could sit down to eat, Kaidan handing him a burger and drink. They both gazed out over the water, content in the silence of their meal. In the sky, seagulls floated on the wind, crying out. Several landed at their feet, eager for any scraps they could get.

“Glad you decided to meet me, Jon. A perfect place for a sanity check.”

Jon paused, burger halfway to his mouth. Turning to look at Kaidan, he asked, “A sanity check?” At Kaidan’s nod, he thought about the simple words and what they meant. It made sense in a way. “I suppose things have been pretty crazy the last few weeks.”

It was an understatement, considering the way Kaidan chuckled. They finished their meals, Jon tossing a few bits of hamburger bun to the seagulls, watching as they fought over them. Once lunch was finished, he wasn’t sure what to say. Should he apologize for jumping to conclusions? For running away again? For...well, he wasn’t even sure anymore.

“So, you want to tell me what happened back there? Why you ran? I’d also like to hear how you came to the conclusion Steve and I were an item. I’m sure it's an interesting story.”

Jon could feel his face warm with embarrassment. Not one of his finer moments. “It was the way Garrus kept talking about you when Steve and I grabbed lunch at Archangel’s. He mentioned how Steve would be upset he missed you, how happy you’d be to find out he was staying permanently. Then seeing the two of you laughing together...happ...and the look on your face.”

“Wait. You went to Archangel’s?”

Jon shook his head and laughed. Staring down at his hands, he laced his fingers together. Out of everything he said, it’s the one thing Kaidan picked up on. It was almost comical. “Yeah. Couldn’t really find a way out of it. As you can see, I survived.”

Kaidan’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled, “Indeed you did.”

They both fell quiet then. Jon wrestled with how much to say, whether he should make something up or state the truth. In the end, he knew Kaidan would see right through any attempt to skirt around the truth.

Speaking quietly, Jon admitted, “When you have the kind of happiness in your life and the laughter he can give you...well, why would you want me?”

John stood up, pushed his hands in his pockets and strode across the pier. The wind had picked up, a storm brewing out over the ocean, and what few people had been here headed inside the restaurant or got in their cars and left. Lifting his face to the wind, Jon let it wash over him, cooling his heated face. He’d asked the question but wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to hear an answer - be it good or bad. Behind him, he could hear Kaidan cleaning up their trash before making his way over.

Without opening his eyes, John could feel the heat of Kaidan’s body as it settled next to his, heard the creak of the wood railing as he leaned on it. The seagulls continued their raucous cries in the air while below them the tumbling waves drifted onto the shore. The smells of the sea mingled with the aromas of the restaurant. Underneath it all, the smell of Kaidan’s cologne, the breeze stirring every so often to bring the scent to him.

“Is there anything I can say to convince you, Jon? You seem hell bent on telling me what my own feelings should be towards you. That I couldn’t possibly want you.” His voice sounded weary, resigned.

Jon opened his eyes but his focus was inward. Kaidan wasn’t wrong. It was exactly what he’d been doing. The fears, the doubts...Jon was using them to push the man away and yet, here he was - again. These feelings were like being on quicksand - if he was still, everything would be fine but if he tried to move, he’d be swallowed up. Problem was, Jon didn’t know how to stand still.

Thinking on what Kaidan had asked, he finally answered, “Probably not.”

With a suddenness startling Jon, Kaidan stood up and grabbed him by the arms. Dark amber eyes searched his, breath warm against Jon’s lips as the smoky voice whispered, “Then I guess I’ll have to show you.”

Pulling him close, Kaidan’s lips met his. It wasn’t a soft, gentle kiss like before. This one was passionate, needy...a fire burning inside. It made Jon feel like he was the only one who could put out the fire - or stir it into a frenzy. Without thought, his hands reached between them, resting against Kaidan’s chest and sliding up behind his neck before pulling Kaidan even closer. Someone moaned, the sound whisked away on the wind. Jon wasn’t sure who the sound belonged to.

Kaidan’s tongue slid along his lips, pushing past them, tasting him with a scorching intensity. Jon’s heart beat so loudly in his chest, he was sure Kaidan could hear it. A strong muscular thigh slipped between his legs and Jon sucked in a breath as electric sparks ignited his blood, setting it on fire.

 

 

A car door slammed nearby, startling them both. Jon tried to pull away, but Kaidan held him tight, not ready to let go. The only movement he made was to bring their bodies flush so Jon could feel exactly how much Kaidan wanted him. Jon rocked his hips forward, his own desire obvious, painfully so.

The eyes looking back at him were almost black with desire and Jon couldn’t understand why, yet he didn’t want to fight it either. At least, not here, not now. There’d be enough time to second guess himself, talk himself out of what he felt - what Kaidan thought he felt for him - later, after he’d gone home.

A large group was heading into the restaurant, their words and laughter drifting down the pier, interrupting the moment. Unsteady, blood still pounding relentlessly through his veins, his pants uncomfortably tight, Jon moved, turning his back towards the parking lot. Even the breeze wasn’t enough to cool him off this time.

“Too much?” Kaidan ran a hand through his hair. Usually, it was perfectly styled, not a hair out of place. The wind had messed it up, Jon noticing the black wavy curls for the first time. They were tousled, making Kaidan look even more tempting. “I...wow. Sorry.”

Jon shook his head, “No...” reaching out to lay a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder, pulling it back before actually touching him, “don’t be sorry.” Contact would only plunge them both right back into the intensity of moments ago. Even now his body wanted more of it. _Traitor._ “I...I didn’t realize.”

Kaidan turned to him, “Well, now you do.”

Pushing away from the railing, Kaidan strode further down the pier. At least he hadn’t left. Then again, Jon was the one who was always running, Kaidan coming after him. Catching up to the other man for once, he was surprised when Kaidan just started talking. It took a few minutes to understand what the subject was.

“It was night when we headed out. Traveling at night was safer - marginally - but we took every advantage we could.” Kaidan took a deep breath, hands slowly curling around the railing.

As he watched Kaidan gaze out over the water, Jon could see he wasn’t here with him anymore. He wasn’t sure about the man himself, but from Jon’s own experience, he just needed someone to listen. No questions or pushing for him to continue. Jon would just be here for him.

“Like most missions, we were heading into enemy territory. The heat made it feel like the deepest pits of hell. Yet, it was almost beautiful in a way, even through the dirty window of the Humvee. A strange kind of beautiful, I suppose.”

An observation Jon could agree with. After days turned into weeks and then months, he’d found a harsh beauty in the area himself - an alien landscape which became home in a sense.

“The moon wasn’t full, gave off a meager light as we drove. Had a couple of FNGs along. I wondered if they thought it was beautiful, like I did, or if the play of shadows made it feel sinister - .monsters lurking, ready to spring out and attack. The rest of us knew. Monsters did lurk out there. The question was, were they asleep, resting up for another day of war or even now, ready to attack our convoys as we traveled under cover of night?”

“It was better to be prepared no matter what.”

“Our target was a building on the edge of a village. It was zero dark thirty when we got there, took shifts until the sun crested the horizon. Ate stale MREs, washed them down with water finally cool enough to drink. All of us were tired, stinking of sweat and dust and it was early yet.”

Jon resisted the pull of being drawn back to those days. It wasn’t about him now. Kaidan needed him and Jon would be damned if he fell down a damn rabbit hole at the wrong time.

“And so the day began - walking along the streets, through the marketplace, talking to the villagers. A vain attempt trying to get a feel for the place - a village like countless others we’d been to and yet completely foreign. No lie we’d rather be anywhere else.”

Jon watched as Kaidan paused, ran a hand through his hair, messing it up. Something Jon felt showed how much it stressed him to talk about the mission.

“These people clearly didn’t want us here - uncommunicative, downright ignoring us...turning away as we walked past, doors slammed in our faces. How the hell were we supposed to do our jobs against with kind of resistance?” Kaidan gave a long sigh. “Wasn’t much intel we could get. We were outsiders. Cutting our losses, we rendezvoused at our FOB.”

For several minutes, Kaidan was quiet. Jon thought if he wasn’t done with his story, which didn’t seem likely, then maybe he just couldn’t go on. Either way,jon just stood there, a silent presence, there if Kaidan needed him. He glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Shoulders tense, eyebrows drawn down, lips a thin line. Yeah, maybe he was trying to keep going. Jon didn’t have long to wait.

“We should have moved...ended up staying there overnight - don’t remember who’s call it was. Can’t say it was a wrong call in general. Maybe the wrong one then but it’s not like you ever know. You’re flying blind in a world you don’t understand, can’t get a handle on.”

“We took shifts again and then suddenly...chaos erupted around us. Gunfire from somewhere outside the village...loud in the dead of night...flashes of light.”

It hurt Jon to stand here and only listen, not to offer...something in the way of comfort, commiseration. He couldn’t even nod - Kaidan was staring an Jon knew with certainty he wasn’t seeing their surroundings. No, he was starting to feel those events, rather than just talking about them. Kaidan may have made giant strides coming to terms with his trauma but Jon knew an event like the one he lived through never truly let go.

“Putting on my night goggles, I sprinted up the stairs, headed topside…heard voices over the radio, calling out targets...panic everywhere...I could hear it in their voices...as if I was they were right next to me. Calling back to them, I could hear the nerves in my own voice.”

Kaidan’s voice trailed off, struggling for words. When he spoke again, Jon had to strain to hear the words, his voice quiet, occasionally whipped away in the wind.

“You come to...trust...your squad with your life...unbreakable bonds...forged in the fires of combat.” Jon knew all too well, something he’d share with Kaidan one day. “You...” Kaidan paused, finding his words, “you find yourself fighting for your life...for the lives of those in your squad. ”

Then another pause, Kaidan clearly reliving the moment in a completely different way from before. It was obvious to Jon, by words and body language - the constant pauses, words trailing off, the volume of his voice getting quieter and softer, the struggle for words. Kaidan was truly in the moment, back there, reliving the tragic event in his life. Being a silent presence and source of comfort was one thing but he wouldn’t hesitate to yank Kaidan back if need be.

Holding the railing as if it was a lifeline, Kaidan sucked in a deep breath...let it out...digging for strength to go on - Jon watched him through it all. Fingers straightened, wrapped tightly against the railing again. Body standing up, feet shuffling before he leaned down again - Kaidan was twitchy. Jon knew the signs. This next part wasn’t going to be pretty.

“One of the guys...not even an arm’s length away from me-” Jon watched Kaidan’s adam’s apple up and down as he swallowed, throat likely dry. “- I turned to say something...his head jerked back...he dropped. Had to wipe my goggles...blood...all over my face. Gone in the blink of an eye…”

“Awareness came back...sounds of screaming...whole corner of the house...exploded around me...walls crumbling. Screams ripped through the air...had to check my squad. I struggled to my feet...knee buckled but pulled myself up...started staggering. Just kept going...and going.”

“They say adrenaline keeps you going, masks all kinds of intense pain. Not sure how much time had passed when I noticed my whole side burned with pain. I touched it. My hand came away wet...sticky. Stung like I’d been cut with a thousand razor blades. I...passed out to the sounds of yelling.”

The face he made right then spoke of pain, anguish...misery. “Don’t know who was yelling...could have been me. Don’t remember anything after that.”

Silence followed his words, filled with the sounds of the seagulls, the waves below them. Jon struggled with wanting to reach out a hand to Kaidan, to let him know he wasn’t alone. He resisted...

"I came to….sounds of chopper blades somewhere around me. Vega’s face was right above me. He was yelling...could see his lips move, nothing made sense. My ears were ringing loudly, everything else muffled...then I was out again. I don’t...remember...I…” He paused, struggling with...remembering maybe? “I woke up in the hospital....”

It was killing Jon to see Kaidan tormented.

“We had well over twenty Marines and Navy Seals. We lost eight that day.”

Jon remained quiet after Kaidan’s flow of words stopped. There wasn’t really anything he could say. They both knew the score; old soldiers who’d seen it all, lived it and made it out the other side. Some of their friends hadn’t been so lucky.

“I got the scars on my side and back then along with shrapnel in my knee.”

Jon wasn’t sure when but they’d both come to rest on another bench further down the pier, angled towards each other. Knowing words meant nothing, Jon placed a hand gently over both of Kaidan’s, clasped tightly in front of him. He may have worked through a lot of his pain but the truth was, it never truly went away.

It was possible for some to manage to live around it, push through it. Losing those you were close with, shared a special type of bond with, was hard.

Living life in the face of danger every day for days on end formed a connection reaching beyond all understanding. A special type of brotherhood which meant they all had each other’s back no matter the cost. Kaidan turned his hands, grasping Jon’s tightly. A show of thanks.

“There are a lot of moments in my life I wish I could forget….the first life I saw taken, the first life I had to take.” Kaidan took a deep, shaky breath, “Some things stay with you, change you.” He turned towards Jon, “It’s how you deal with them and come out on the other side which counts. Does it mean it’s easy? No. Not at all. Sometimes, you have to force yourself to walk through the fire, to risk the chance at being burned. Find a way come out on the other side and gaze at the blue sky and breathe fresh air.”

Jon stared in awe at the man next to him. Could he possibly find a way to make it through and be as strong as Kaidan?

Head bent, he murmured, “Sorry. I don’t talk about it much. Not because it hurts... I mean, it does but...well, I just...wanted you to know you’re not alone.”

Kaidan turned his head, capturing Jon’s eyes with his own. Shepard sucked in a breath at the pain lingering in those brown eyes. It was something he’d not expected to see from someone who always had a smile, a laugh...a gentleness and understanding about him.

Jon reached over, placing a hand on Kaidan's neck, massaging the tense muscles. He felt the strong shoulders tense beneath him at the unexpected contact. Jon froze in response, not even realizing what he'd done. When was the last time he'd reached out to someone to offer comfort? He couldn't remember.

Intending to pull his hand away, Kaidan relaxed, easing back into his touch. Instead, Jon slid his hand along Kaidan’s shoulder, down his arm. He thread his own fingers through Kaidan's trembling ones. The other man squeezed them in response, not letting off the pressure, as if Jon was his lifeline.

It was a heady feeling for Jon, being someone else's anchor in a storm.

“It’s alright, Kaidan. Thank you. It means a lot. I…” Jon paused, unsure how to put his thoughts into words.

“Hey...I don’t expect your story in return. I didn't tell you my story to get you to share yours. You’ll talk about what you went through but only when _you_ are ready. Okay?”

He knew exactly what Jon was struggling with. It was comforting and a relief as well. “Yeah, okay.”

Kaidan looked out over the water, the heavy grey clouds on the horizon, a harbinger of rain. A quiet huff of air passed his lips, “I really didn’t mean for lunch to take on a such a serious note.”

Jon smiled shyly, “Hey, don’t worry. I enjoyed...well, all of it.”

“Good, then I’m glad I asked.” Changing the subject, Kaidan asked, “What brought you to Mindoir?”

They’d covered a lot of subjects in the last few weeks, so Jon wasn’t surprised by the question. “I just needed to get away.”

Kaidan remained quiet, watching him, not pushing for more information. Apparently, he was comfortable enough to wait for Jon to continue at his own pace.

Deciding to share a little bit of his life, Jon continued, “My CO was, I guess you could say, the closest I ever came to having a father in my life. He found me wandering the streets when I was fifteen - cold, hungry and tired. I was a really bitter kid. Hated everyone.”

Jon looked at Kaidan, searching the man’s eyes, afraid of what he’d see. What he found was compassion instead of pity.

Prompting Jon a little, he questioned, “What were you doing when he found you?”

As his thoughts returned to Anderson, Jon’s lips lifted in a sardonic smile. “I needed money for food. I'd tried asking but people just flat out ignored me or told me to get lost. I was getting desperate plus I was also cold, and tired. He pulled up to the 7-11 where I was lurking around the corner waiting, hoping for something to go my way. When he drove up, I thought I finally had the opportunity. He’d left his car unlocked and headed inside. I debated stealing the car but when I saw it was a standard, the idea quickly lost its appeal. I didn’t know how to drive one.”

Jon became lost in memories of the past. His thoughts turned to the stupid kid he’d been then with the cocksure attitude. How he’d thought he knew everything - a streetwise kid angry at the world for the hand he’d been dealt, ready to make everyone else pay for it. Shaking his head, he knew how his life would have ended up if Anderson hadn’t kicked some sense into him.

A sigh slipped between his lips, “I was up to my ass inside his car, digging for spare change, searching for anything worth stealing I might be able to sell for a few dollars and grab some food. Find a fast food joint I could sit in for a few hours - or several in one spot, jump from one to the next just to make it through the night.” Another pause as the memories washed over him, a rough laugh, “Anderson reached in, snatched me by the back of my pants and hauled me out, so I landed on the ground at his feet. Standing over me with hands on his hips, I could tell he was pissed off. Outwardly, I projected indifference. Inwardly, I was shaking.”

He chanced a quick glance at Kaidan, surprised to see a corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk, laughter in his eyes. Not something Jon had expected to see.

At Jon’s own questioning look, he explained, “Was your CO David Anderson?” At Jon’s surprised nod, he went on, “I knew him. Not as well as you but I did see him really angry once. Didn’t bode well for the guy on the receiving end. I think Anderson had his fill of the guy, Udina I think his name was, being an idiot. Punched him right in the face. I can imagine a fifteen year old kid, caught inside his car without permission, being scared of him.”

Jon couldn’t help laughing at Kaidan’s explanation. Definitely David Anderson to a T. “He basically told me I had two choices. Come home with him for a real meal, a hot shower and warm bed, have a chance at getting my shit together or wait for the cops.” Broad shoulders rose up and down in a shrug, “Wasn’t much of a choice. No one had ever offered me what Anderson had. Besides, the cops knew me well - and not in a good way. The next three years changed my life, although I never made things easy. At least, not until I joined the Navy. Then, I finally got my head screwed on straight.”

“It seems to me everything worked out in the end.”

“Yeah, I supposed it did.” Jon wasn’t about to tell Kaidan how hollow the sentiment really was.


	15. Helter Skelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.- Unknown_

The town of Mindoir held a festival in December to kick off the Christmas holiday. Vendors of all types participated, supplying food and drinks. Local artists and crafters set up booths of every type and style as well as local businesses eager to advertise with games and free stuff.

Off to the side of the meandering rows of vendors was a stage for performers - everything from the local high school band to the Mindoir theater troupes and area bands looking for their fifteen minutes of fame. There would even be a popular headlining band performing later in the afternoon. An area was set aside for younger children with crafts and simple games near the park’s permanent playground.

The streets around the park had been blocked off, attended to by first responders - extra officers and firefighters from outlying towns as well as the locals all working overtime. Kids flocked around them, eager to listen and learn about their heroes. The square was decorated with colored balloons, streamers and fancy banners - everything Christmas themed. Evergreen trees were adorned with strings of lights and large shiny ornaments. A skating rink had been set up in another corner of the square and lighted Christmas displays as well as dancing lights would come on when dusk fell.

As Jon walked on the sidelines of the cheerfully decorated park, he watched roaming vendors weave through the crowds of people, selling hot cocoa, coffee and apple cider. Still others sold caramel apples, cake pops and deep fried...well, anything you could imagine which _could_ possibly be deep fried.

The smells of the food, instead of clashing, blended together to tempt even the strictest dieter. Jon was hardly one of those and his mouth watered, stomach grumbling with the tantalizing smells wafting past him.

People laughed and smiled. Little kids danced around their parents, begging for a hot cocoa or a toy from a vendor. Older kids chased each other around the park. Couples walked hand in hand, smiling warmly at each other, sometimes stealing a kiss. They made him think of Kaidan, of what they might be able to have together.

Buying a cup of coffee from a passing vendor, he held the steaming liquid in his hands, bringing it up to his face for the warmth and the delicious promise of caffeine to keep him going.

It was chilly outside and most everyone was bundled up in their winter clothes including gloves, scarves and hats. A few hardier individuals walked by in only hoodies, scoffing at those covered head to toe in cold weather clothing. Jon himself wore a thick blue sweater beneath his leather jacket, hands cold even inside black leather gloves. The coffee was helping with the frozen aspect, at least a little bit. Despite living in the northeast for most of his life, Jon had quickly adapted to the hot weather in the desert where he’d been stationed. Right now, he was wishing Anderson had bought a vacation home down south - like the Florida Keys or the Bahamas.

The number of people attending the festival was a little overwhelming but Jon braved them for one reason only - Kaidan. He had asked if Jon would be going to the festival today. The look of joy on his face when he’d mentioned the festivities had swept away Jon’s trepidation. For that look alone, he’d brave anything. While getting ready, his gaze had strayed to the latest message in a bottle sitting in his kitchen. There hadn’t been time to read it and his mind kept straying to what it might say over and over before Jon finally pushed the thoughts away. There would be time to read the message later. Right now, he had something much more important to focus on.

Over the past couple of months, the two men had begun spending more time together. Kaidan’s friends had quickly become Jon’s friends. Many of them had known David Anderson, the older man visiting town regularly while on vacation at the cottage. Jon was humbled by their willingness to hold a small memorial service - an impromptu affair with only close friends held at the beach. The day had been overcast with the promise of rain, a chilly breeze sweeping in from the ocean. It was touching and sweet, each of them saying what they remembered about Anderson. Jon spoke once he’d swallowed past the lump in his throat, Kaidan’s hand in his.

It turned out Kaidan could be very persuasive, convincing Jon to start his physical therapy again or at least consider a followup. As well as starting back with his counseling sessions. It wasn’t easy at first. Jon was embarrassed at the way he’d avoided both therapists - the way he’d walked out on his last session at Dr. Chakwas’ office. In the end, both of them had been understanding. Slowly, he was feeling stronger - physically and mentally.

Through therapy with Chakwas, Jon also found the probable reason for Kaidan showing up in his dreams - he was afraid of losing him just as he’d lost his squadmates. What a strange way to manifest his fears - Kaidan becoming the primary person in his dreams, taking place of his squadmates and CO. It was cathartic, finding a reason behind the madness.

Those sessions were one of the reasons Jon was at the festival right now - in addition to making Kaidan happy. He felt more capable of being able to manage the crowds, though he mostly kept to the fringes. Being surrounded by all these people still made him a bit edgy and worried about how he’d react.

A few of their friends said they might make an appearance but only time would tell if they could. Jon knew Edi and Joker had a booth, though Joker couldn’t stay long. He tired quickly and someone else from Tiptree Grocers would take over when they left.

Jon had gotten to know them both as he and Kaidan spent more time together, finding out Edi was the woman Kaidan had been sitting with at Rayya’s on the rainy day he'd stumbled inside. Joker had been on his way over. As usual, Jon had completely misunderstood the situation. Edi and Joker were an odd couple with completely different personalities. Jon often wondered how they’d found each other, how they made their relationship work, but wasn’t it the only thing which mattered?

No sooner had he thought of them, then their booth appeared up ahead. Edi saw Jon as well, waving him over.

“Shepard, might I interest you in one of our cup holders with the Tiptree Grocers logo?”

“It’s a cozy, Edi. A cup cozy.”

“It holds your cup, Jeffrey. It does not snuggle it.”

Moreau rolled his eyes and gave Jon a long-suffering look, “See what I have to put up with?”

Jon smiled at their bickering, “Joker, you know you love it.”

Despite his constant sarcastic complaints, Joker looked over at Edi fondly, “Shhh, not too loud. I’ll never hear the end of it!”

Edi was helping another visitor to the booth but answered Joker, “I heard that Jeffrey.”

Joker shook his head with exasperation, “Never a moment's peace, man.”

Jon loved being around these two. There was certainly never a dull moment. Edi conversed in a serious, intellectual manner but she had a dry and wicked sense of humor. At times, it was hard to tell she was joking until she followed a comment up with _‘that was a joke.’_ It was obvious Joker loved her but the ‘mushy stuff,’ as he called it, grossed him out. Sarcasm was his mode of conversation - no matter what the topic.

As the booth attracted more customers, Jon stepped off to the side scanning the crowd once again for Kaidan or anyone else he might recognize. Kaidan said he might be running a little late, helping Tali and Kal out as they also had a booth set up here. Steve hadn’t been sure if he’d have time while Garrus, James and Jack were all busy at Archangel’s with the influx of people during the holidays. Jack was pissed because she wanted to harass multitudes of people all at once.

Not wanting to be in the way, Jon said his goodbyes to Edi and Joker and headed for the food vendors. If Kaidan was helping Tali and Kal, maybe he’d find them all there. The aromas drifting past Jon's nose made his stomach growl. He hadn’t eaten since dinner the night before. If Kaidan didn’t get here soon, he was going to have to grab something to eat. The area was packed, people wanting to sample anything and everything and Jon felt his anxiety creeping up on him, so he backed away from the area. No matter how hungry, it wasn’t bad enough to overcome the masses.

“Jon!”

Hearing his name, he turned looking for the source. At first, he didn’t see anyone but then he found the perfectly styled black hair with silver wings and amber eyes a few inches above the crowd. The small amount of anxiety he’d had melted away. It amazed him how Kaidan could cause that. A gentle smile graced his face as he walked towards Jon.

“Hey, there you are.”

Jon nodded, “Here I am.”

Concerned eyes searched his, roamed over his face, “You alright?”

“I am now.” Jon couldn’t stop the goofy smile transforming his face.

“Are you flirting with me, Jon?” Before he could reply, Kaidan shook his head, “No, don’t tell me. Let me live in the illusion.”

Feeling bold, Jon pulled him in close, placing his lips softly against Kaidan’s, the tension draining out of him. “More than flirting, Kaidan.”

Pleased surprise colored Kaidan’s face as he slid a thumb across Jon’s lips, “Mmmm, I like that.” Dropping his hand and threading their fingers together, Kaidan asked him, “Are you hungry?”

“Starved!”

“Well, then, let’s grab something to eat.” Kaidan tugged Jon behind him towards the food vendors, pausing when Jon resisted. “Are you-” he broke off when he saw Jon’s face. It was clear he was holding the anxiety at bay. Diving into the midst of the crowds was probably a little too much. “Got it. Tell you what. Wait here and I’ll bring something back. Anything specific?”

“I could go for a sausage.”

Kaidan’s eyes gleamed at his words, “I think I could help you there.”

“Well, what are you...oh.” Jon laughed, cheeks warming when the innuendo caught up with him. “Kaidan. I need real food. Soon.”

Kaidan leaned in close, whispering in his ear, “I could certainly fill you up.” He winked but didn’t give Jon a chance to answer as he turned and made his way in between the people.

Jon smiled even while shaking his head. The man was wicked.

Kaidan came back reasonably quickly with two sausages on buns loaded with peppers and onions and two lemonades. Handing one of each to Jon, they found a place to sit and eat. The food was good and Jon made short work of his.

Still working on finishing his, Kaidan smirked between bites, “You sucked that sausage down rather quickly.”

Jon spit out his drink, wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and struggled for breath. “Damn it, Kaidan.” There was no censure in his voice, only amusement. “You never stop, do you?”

Shoving the last of the sausage in his mouth, Kaidan licked his lips, then shook his head no. Jon’s eyes followed every movement, noticed the smirk on Kaidan’s lips. He let out his breathe out slowly, seeing the whiskey brown eyes darken. Kaidan knew exactly what he was doing and was determined to get to him. Knowing Jon wanted him as well, Kaidan wasn’t holding back. The man was going to be the death of him.

Still careful with touching, Kaidan would only initiate contact by holding Jon’s hands, sliding a hand around the back of his neck or rubbing a hand through his spiky hair. He let Jon set his own pace, something he was proving terribly slow at letting go of.

Kaidan leaned in close, warm breath against Jon’s ear, “I want you, Jon. Not shy about letting you know.” Jon shivered but it wasn’t from the cold in the air around them.

“Come on, let’s go skate.” Kaidan laced their fingers together and pulled Jon behind him.

Kaidan left him rattled, never knowing what was coming next. Maybe it was a good thing. Sometimes Jon needed to get out of his own way. The skating rink was surprisingly quiet. A lot of people had left to find a good seat so they could listen to the main band, other had probably gone to eat. It was just about dinner time now.

As they approached the skating rink, Jon stared at the slick ice. “Uh, Kaidan, I’ve never been skating before.”

“It’s not hard. Besides...I’ve got you, Jon.” Kaidan stared at him, eyes full of warmth.

Jon nodded but was still apprehensive. They put their skates on, stepping out onto the ice. Well, Kaidan stepped out onto it, Jon looked more like he was drunk. Legs wobbling, he grasped onto the rail, feet ready to slide out from underneath him. He stiffened when someone came up behind him, relaxed as he smelled Kaidan’s cologne, strong arms wrapping around his waist. Kaidan was conscious of the places on his body Jon shied away from.

“You look like you could use a little help.”

Warm breath ghosted across Jon’s ear, making him shiver, responding as well to the deep, husky voice. “Mhmm,” was the most coherent answer Jon could manage.

Kaidan came around in front, grasping Jon’s hands firmly, pulling him along while he skated backwards. Jon was impressed. “Where did you learn to do that?”

“A man has to have some secrets, Jon.” The lopsided smile warmed Jon’s insides.

“Secrets, huh?”

Kaidan winked at him, “Absolutely.” He slowed even more when he felt Jon wobble. “You okay, Jon?” he asked with concern.

“Sure, just need to concentrate better.” His attention had been broken upon hearing the sexy, suggestive tone and wondering what kinds of secrets he might have.

Kaidan chuckled, “Having trouble concentrating, are you?”

Jon shook his head, the movement causing him to wobble excessively, almost taking himself down as well as Kaidan. Jon smiled when he just laughed it off.

“Hey you idiots, learn how to skate or leave it to the professionals.”

Jon’s head whipped around as a body darted past them, a blur against the backdrop of the festival. Kaidan grabbed him around the waist to keep him from falling to the ice. The blur slowed, turning backwards before sliding to a stop in front of them both. It was Jack. She was mostly dressed, wearing the same baggy pants he’d seen before and a short leather jacket over a cropped tee. How was she not freezing?

“If you can’t skate you shouldn’t fucking be out here. Likely break your damn neck and maybe someone else’s.”

“Jack,” Kaidan’s tone held a note of warning.

“Shove it, Boy Scout. Just giving lover boy a hard time.”

Eyes dancing with laughter, Kaidan turned to Jon, “That’s my job.”

Jon felt his face flush with the innuendo, body responding to the meaning even as Kaidan’s hand squeezed his hip.

“Oh, god, I did not need to hear you say that. Get a room...or at least get off the ice before you melt it and we have to go swimming.” She took off, flying around the rink with ease. Jon envied her the ability to make it look effortless.

“Want to take a break?” Kaidan had moved them both over to the very edge of the rink. He leaned against the railing, legs splayed, pulling Jon close to nestle between them.

Jon could barely think straight and by the gleam in Kaidan's eyes, he knew it. Struggling to form coherent words, Jon finally answered, “I do but...um, go ahead and skate for a bit. I'd love to watch.”

He hadn't meant the words quite the way Kaidan seemed to take them, eyes darkening in the golden light around them. Jon wasn't going to correct him on it though.

After helping Jon to a bench, Kaidan went back out onto the ice, skating backwards, watching Jon as Jon watched him. Kaidan was putting on a show for him. Every so often, he would glance behind him, weaving fluidly around the few people on the ice. Jon felt his temperature rise just watching, wondering if he moved so smoothly in bed. _Whoa there. Rein those thoughts in Jon._

Kaidan was certainly agile and lithe despite his muscular build. Jon’s thoughts kept straying to other things as he watched the other man move. It was getting harder and harder to push him away, to resist the attraction between them.

Watching intently, Jon noticed Jack move up beside Kaidan and bump against him. Jon felt his breath leave his lungs, anger blindsiding him at Jack being so careless. Just as quickly as it flared, his anger dissipated when he looked at Kaidan, saw him smile and push back at her. Jack slipped a bit, grasping onto him and Kaidan erupted in unrestrained laughter at her disgruntled look.

Jon felt his own lips twitch in response. The laugh meant everything to him. Kaidan deserved to have nothing but joy in his life. His thoughts turned dark again. _I'll just bring him down._

Turning his head away from the laughing pair, Jon scanned the crowd. Seeing a familiar face, he stiffened in surprise, breath leaving his lungs. No, it couldn't be. It was impossible.

_He’d just seen Ashley._

As if he was moving through a dream, Jon got up from the bench, Jack and Kaidan forgotten. Tripping over his feet, he stumbled, wrenching his knee. He paid it no mind as he limped after the dark head of hair bobbing in the crowd. Losing sight of her, he searched, wide eyed and frantic, to find her again. Spotting the dark hair he was sure belonged to her, he lurched forward.

Jon pushed his way through the crowd, determined to catch up. The people around him blurred, becoming a sea of faceless bodies and he didn't notice when many of them shrank back away from him with his frantic demeanor.

He began calling out, “ Ashley! Assshleeeyyy!”

She didn't even turn her head to acknowledge him.

“Stop! I need to talk to you Ash.” Nothing. “Gunny, stop!” Surely yelling out a direct order would get her attention.

A hand grabbed at his jacket but he shook it off, pushing forward. He was getting closer to Ashley. Another grab for his jacket and Jon twisted away, growling in frustration. Whoever it was needed to back the fuck off and stay out of his way.

Reaching out, he grasped Ashley’s arm harder than intended, spinning her around _. It wasn't her._ The woman in front of him had the same glossy, dark hair but different facial features and bright green eyes. Eyes widened in fear as they stared back at him. His fractured mind barely processed the information as he demanded, “Where's Ash? What have you done with her?”

From a great distance, Jon heard someone calling his name. He ignored it but the person was relentless, saying his name again and again. Snarling, he turned around to tell them off - until frigid blue eyes met brown ones full of concern. _Kaidan_. What was he doing here?

“What are you doing Jon?” Dark brows furrowed down.

Shaking the hand Kaidan had lain on his arm, Jon glared at Kaidan, snapping at him. “Following Ashley.” He turned back to show him...only Ashley was gone. “She...you made me lose her!” Accusation rang through his words.

Kaidan’s voice was full of sadness, “No, Jon. Ashley's gone. She's been gone for awhile.”

“Bullshit! I saw her!”

Kaidan held both hands up, “Okay, I believe you.”

Blue eyes narrowed as they studied Kaidan, wondering if he was just saying random words for Jon’s benefit. He looked earnest, as if he truly did believe.

“Kaidan,” his voice was a plea, “we have to go after her.” He stared at him, _“Please.”_ He turned again to search the crowd but couldn’t find her. Before Kaidan could even respond, Jon whispered hoarsely, “She’s gone, isn’t she.”

The words held a double meaning. Kaidan moved until Jon’s eyes focused on him again, “She is, Jon. I’m sorry.” Those words as well could go either way. Jon’s attention still on him, Kaidan kept speaking, “It's okay, Jon. I've got you.”

Not quite ready to give up, heart beating frantically in his chest, Jon glanced around again. She couldn’t have gotten far. _Maybe if I…_

Thoughts were interrupted by Kaidan’s soft, raspy voice, “Jon.” Blue eyes centered on him again. “Breathe. In and out. Watch me.”

Attention focusing on the man before him, Jon watched his chest rise and fall with each breath. Without conscious thought, he let his own breathing echo Kaidan’s. Eventually, his heart slowed to a much more normal pace.

Kaidan tentatively reached out a hand towards Jon, watching for his reaction. To Jon, it felt like everything was slightly out of sync. His body tensed up as Kaidan’s hand moved towards him, stopping the motion when he noticed Jon stiffen.

“Jon, can I hold your hand?”

Staring at those warm brown eyes, feeling like he was in a dream, Jon nodded at Kaidan. His eyes closed in relief as a warm hand wrapped firmly around his own, anchoring him. Jon's world narrowed down to Kaidan alone and slowly, the world fell back into place.

Kaidan gently held his hand. “Can I put my arm around you?”

Jon nodded again, felt himself becoming even more grounded in the moment with the contact. They were pressed lightly together along Jon’s right side. Warmth seeped through him and Jon could feel his muscles relaxing with the heat from Kaidan’s body, calming him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jon shook his head. He wasn’t ready, didn’t know when he would be. This wasn’t the first time he’d seen Ashley or Anderson but it was the first time since coming to Mindoir and all Jon could think was - _why now?_ Chakwas had told him he’d learn to deal with the after effects of the trauma over time, he’d get better and heal, but they would never completely go away.

Around them, festival goers were giving them a wide berth, many staring as they passed by the two men. Jon was mortified by his behavior. It was worse knowing all these strangers had witnessed it. In desperation, he struggled suddenly against the arm holding him, determined to get away. Kaidan didn’t tighten his hold but also didn’t move. He wasn’t making it easy for Jon to leave.

Voice cracking with the emotions he was holding at bay, “Kaidan, let me go...please.” He couldn't stand the scrutiny of the crowd - seeing pity in their eyes, accusation on their faces.

“No,” Kaidan’s words were gentle, understanding, “we're going to sit on the bench over there, okay?”

Body stiffening in frustration, tense and ready to argue, Jon pulled away from Kaidan. Staying here was a bad idea, a tactical retreat the far better solution. Blue eyes darted back and forth, never landing on anything or anyone for more than a few seconds. His skin felt too tight, feverish. The area around him was too exposed and he needed to get away, nerve endings rubbed raw.

Jon jumped when his arm was grabbed unexpectedly, ready to lash out even after he saw it was Kaidan. He was maneuvered towards the bench a few feet away. Gently, Kaidan pushed Jon to sit down on the bench, squatting down in front of him. Jon watched Kaidan take off his gloves, rub his hands together and then warm hands settled on each side of his face.

“Focus right here, on me. I’ve got you, Jon. You can count on me.”

He searched Kaidan’s face for honesty. It was there...and more besides. “Sometimes...I-” Head still held firmly in Kaidan’s hands, thumbs sliding softly back and forth, Jon closed his eyes and lost himself to sensation. His voice was quiet against the sounds of the festival around them, “Sometimes, I just feel lost...and sometimes, I just need a shoulder.”

“I’ve got two, Jon. I just...don’t want to assume anything, you know?” Kaidan’s lips tilted upwards in a small smile, scars twisting with the movement.

Jon reached up, softly traced them. “What? You can’t just tell me...it’ll be alright?”

Kaidan chuckled, Jon feeling the vibration under his fingertips, “Everything will be fine, Jon.”

Jon smiled, turbulent emotions from a few minutes ago clearing from his eyes. _See? Easy_.

Kaidan’s hands slipped down, wrapping around Jon’s, “I could get used to it, yeah.” He took a breath, “Maybe we can...take a break now, figure out what we are?”

Standing up, Kaidan reached a hand out. Jon stared at it, glancing up at Kaidan before reaching out to grasp it with his. He was pulled up, Kaidan’s strength obvious as Jon stumbled into him. Kaidan’s left hand grasped Jon’s waist, steadying him. Their eyes met, the air around them charged with desire. As if it was the most natural thing in the world, Jon leaned forward, eyes closing, ready to feel Kaidan’s lips against his own. The way he kissed was almost criminal.

“Ugh, I told you assholes to get a room, didn't I?”

They pulled apart, Jon ready to deck the person behind the voice. It was Jack, the words tossed over her shoulder as she walked by. Then he had time to think about it. Okay, maybe not such a good idea. He didn't want to be on her bad side if he was living here permanently.

Reaching for his phone, Jon checked the time. A fireworks show was scheduled to go off as dark fell and he planned to be long gone before it started. It was better not to tempt fate with loud sounds and explosions.

“Leaving before the fireworks?”

Kaidan knew him so well already. Jon nodded, “Yeah. It would be nice but...”

Nodding in understanding, Kaidan told him, “I avoided the show last year myself.” He looked towards the darkening sky, “I guess I’ll find out tonight if I'm okay with them. ”

Jon couldn’t help noticing the trepidation on his face, as if unsure he’d be able to get through them. An idea formed, something which terrified him, but for Kaidan, he’d take a leap. “You could...come out to my beach house...have a couple beers if you’d like.”

The broad smile Jon got in response was worth the fear he felt in asking, the fear of having someone in his home - even if it was Kaidan. “I’d like to, Jon. We better go now though.”

Jon nodded and headed to his jeep, parked nearby. Kaidan’s truck was only a few spots away. He waited for Kaidan to follow him. The drive to the cottage was over quickly and yet, at the same time, seemed to take forever. Jon got out of his jeep, watching headlights pull in behind him before turning towards the cottage.

Had this been a good idea?


	16. For Keeps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“And love is when someone who even knows your scars, stays to kiss them.” — Benjamin Griss_

Jon’s hands shook trying to insert the key into the lock. He’d invited Kaidan to his house - his sanctuary. The only place he had left to hide. Blowing a worried breath through his lips, he could admit to himself now he’d been hiding all this time. Hiding from life. Well, not anymore. Finally unlocking the door, he heard a truck pull in behind him, a door open and shut.

 _Kaidan was here_.

Finally getting the door unlocked, Jon walked inside, eyes darting around the room checking to see the state it was in. What had possessed him to invite Kaidan to his house? Until now, Liara was the only one who knew where he lived and even she had never been here. Other than a few books lying around, the place looked okay. Smelled clean.

He was still nervous.

Turning when he heard the screen door open and close behind him, Jon watched as Kaidan walk inside. He didn’t even look around, brown eyes entirely focused on Jon.

“Thanks for inviting me over.”

Jon nodded in response. “Sure. Would you...like a beer?”

“Sounds great.”

“Be right back.” Jon headed towards the kitchen, called back over his shoulder, “Have a seat, make yourself comfortable.”

In the kitchen, Jon opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of beer, sliding one across his forehead in an attempt to cool off. His internal temperature was rising rapidly - actually having someone in his house was nerve wracking. The fact it was Kaidan - a man he was strongly attracted to - only added fuel to the fire.

Taking a deep breath, Jon turned to walk back into the living room. The latest bottle with the message still waiting for him to read it. Eager to open it, he didn’t want to keep Kaidan waiting. It would have to wait once again.

Entering the living room, Jon noticed Kaidan had taken a seat on the couch. Glancing at his usual chair - across the room - Jon knew it would be rude to sit way over there.

Handing Kaidan the beer, heart stuttering when their fingers brushed, Jon took a seat on the other end of the couch. “Sorry it’s not your Canadian lager.”

“It’s okay, Jon. It's fine.” Kaidan smiled before taking a drink.

Jon watched as Kaidan looked around the room. What was he seeing? For the first time since moving here, Jon tried to see it through someone else’s eyes.

The interior was light - the walls, furniture and paintings all in white, light tans and pale blues. The brightness was only broken up by the dark wooden floors and the brick fireplace, which hadn’t been used yet. There was nothing in the house to say ‘Jon lives here.’ Although, Kaidan would know any different. Jon thought maybe it was time to make some changes, make it a home instead of a refuge. What Kaidan saw was not who Jon was at all.

Kaidan’s glance settled on the books scattered across the coffee table, “You like to read?”

Jon’s eyes roamed the titles of the books himself, seeing the slip of paper half underneath one. The latest message he’d found from the ocean. It had slipped his mind to put it with the others. He nodded, “Lately, yeah. Wasn’t something I did before but I’ve had a lot of time since…” His voice trailed off.

Kaidan nodded in understanding, “A way to step outside yourself for awhile. Get away from it all - live a life not your own.”

Jon paused, the bottle just having touched his lips. _Maybe he truly does understand._ Letting the bottle fall back to his lap, Jon picked at the label with a fingernail. His eyes passed over the covers of the books on the table: Great Expectations, Gulliver's Travels, Jurassic Park, a couple of Star Trek titles and The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien. A wide-ranging collection of reading material to be sure.

“Which book was your favorite? If you've read them all.” Kaidan gestured to the slip of paper peeking out from under a book, “Do you take notes as you read?”

Jon glanced at the paper, not sure how to respond. To the books though...yes, Jon had read them all, as well as a few more besides, many of those now back on the bookshelf.

Thinking back over the ones he’d gotten lost in, Jon answered, “The Two Towers.” He was grateful for such a mundane topic, was starting to feel at ease with Kaidan in his home. As to the note, however, “I…” wiping a damp palm down his pant leg, “I don’t make notes, that’s…” How did he explain the note? He was now even more nervous than before. He reached for it when Kaidan spoke again.

“Have you read the Hobbit?”

Jon shook his head, the paper forgotten in his hand, “Not yet. I should probably see if Steve has any of them in his bookstore.”

“It's actually a precursor to the Lord of the Rings series and in case you’re interested, there are movies you can watch as well.”

Jon didn’t think he could sit still through a movie, wasn’t sure if he wanted to try. With a book, he could set it down and come back to it - minutes, hours - even days later. He fiddled with the paper in his hands - Kaidan didn't appear curious about it.

“What did you think of the Two Towers?”

“It’s probably my favorite so far of the books I’ve read. Have you read it?” Jon cringed. Hadn’t he already mentioned the favorite part? It had been so long since he’d...invited someone over or had a conversation with someone he really cared about. Kaidan was going to think he was witless, or nervous - or both.

Kaidan nodded, “Yeah, when I was a kid. Then again, the past year, while I was...recovering. Completely different perspective this time. What did you like the most?”

Taking a few minutes to think about it, Jon told him, “I don’t think I can decide right now on the spot. But I can tell you my favorite line was ‘ _There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.’_ It’s something I’m working on applying to my own life. Maybe I’ll keep it as a life quote or something.”

Even as he said it, Jon thought it sounded...well, ridiculous. He knew people who had a favorite quote, something inspiring to them. Not for him, though.

“It isn’t a bad thing, Jon. I have one myself.” Kaidan spoke softly, “ ‘The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.’ It’s by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.” He returned to their conversation about books, “It's nice to lose yourself in a character’s world, in their life - it’s almost magical to be able to find parallels between them and us.”

 _Yes, Kaidan absolutely understood._ But...the quote. It was the same as in one of the messages Jon had received.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Jon spoke quietly, “Thank you, for sharing.”

His heart was telling him to say something; his brain screamed at him to keep quiet.

Jon nearly jumped out of his skin when a strong hand settled gently on his forearm. Wide, startled blue eyes collided with warm brown ones, “I’m happy you shared with _me_.” Jon felt himself falling headlong into those eyes.

“Jon...I’m going to kiss you.” Kaidan’s smoky voice set his heart racing.

A hand slipped around his neck, fingers brushing the edge of his hair as he was pulled closer. The kiss was soft and gentle at first. Jon moaned, Kaidan’s tongue slipping past his lips, the kiss becoming heated as their tongues slid together. Body responding, Jon lost himself to sensation.

Kaidan pulled back first, eyes black in the softly lit room. Resting his forehead against Jon’s, he breathed, "Wow.”

Jon couldn’t help but agree, “Yeah.”

Kaidan pulled back further, eyes searching Jon’s, “Are you sure about us?”

Shepard nodded, humbled the man cared enough to ask. Still, he needed a breather, a bit of time to cool down and think things through. His body certainly wanted it but would his mind get out of its own way?

Taking a deep breath, Jon asked him, “Another beer?” More as a way to stall for time than any other reason.

Kaidan was silent for a few minutes, eyes unfocused like he was lost in thought. Finally, he looked at Jon and answered, “Sure.”

Going to get two more beers, Jon paused at the kitchen table on his way back out. He had to know what the message said. He could be quick and Kaidan would only have to wait a few extra minutes. Besides, it would give Jon the time he needed to figure out what he truly wanted in regards to _them_. As quietly as possible, Jon took the message out of the bottle, spreading the paper out flat to read the words.

_It was good to hear you’re doing better had have found someone to connect with, good friends to surround yourself with. All this time, I could sense you were capable of moving on, leaving the darkness behind and following the light. Everyone deserves to be loved, no matter their circumstances, no matter their path. Never forget. Keep those connections strong and never let go of the light._

_Another quote for you_ - _“Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that ever happen to us.”_

As he read the quote, Jon whispered it out loud. It took a few seconds for him to become aware of a familiar voice reciting the words along with him. Turning, he gazed at Kaidan with wide eyes, “You? _It was you all along_?”

Kaidan gazed back at him, expression inscrutable, “And it was _you_ who sent them.” A pause as if weighing his words, “Does it really matter, Jon? Now you know - _we_ know - the truth?” His voice deepened, sliding over Jon’s skin like silk.

_When had Kaidan moved so close?_

Swallowing around the dryness in his throat, heart thudding rapidly inside his chest, Jon rasped, “No.”

Kaidan moved even closer, eyes dark and hungry with want, until there was no room between them. Jon stared at the scars on his lips, the ones he’d run his tongue over many times before. Not asking for permission, Kaidan’s mouth covered Jon’s. The kiss was hungry and demanding. Kaidan pulled away and Jon sucked in a ragged breath.

_He was lost._

* * *

They stood across from each other in Jon’s bedroom at the foot of the bed. He gazed at amber eyes, darkened like the finest whiskey, filled with a passionate hunger - eyes he could get drunk on just by staring at them. Yet, despite what Kaidan so obviously wanted, there was still a question lurking in their depths. A question Jon understood. But words weren’t possible for him. It felt like his brain was short circuiting, so he offered a nod instead.

It was all the confirmation Kaidan needed to move in closer.

Reaching out to him, Kaidan paused with his hand in mid air to ask, “Can I touch you?”

Jon’s eyes widened in surprise, _touch him?_   Before he could manage to turn thoughts into words, Kaidan's hand returned to his side.

Kaidan spoke quietly, “Jon, if it makes you uncomfortable, we can stop. You set the pace and I'll follow. I would never push you into doing something you don't want to.”

Jon stood there, feeling...well, he wasn't sure. His emotions were wildly out of control, couldn't even begin to sort them out. Unable to form words, he chose action instead.

Grasping Kaidan's hand, he brought it up against his chest, palm down. The smile transforming Kaidan’s face was worth every bit of apprehension Jon had been feeling.

Still, this might be easier if he couldn’t see himself reflected in Kaidan’s eyes. He closed them, losing himself to sensation instead. It was like free falling from a cliff into darkness, not quite sure what was going to happen. His heart began to beat erratically in response.

Jon jerked, startled when Kaidan’s lips drifted gently across his, ghosted over his jaw. Pulling back, he didn’t want to cause Kaidan pain; he hadn’t shaved in several days. He could feel the heat from Kaidan’s body follow his movement, velvety lips coming back to his, wet tongue licking along the seam, slipping inside when Jon opened to him, tasting and teasing, leaving him breathless with want.

Jon felt dizzy, overwhelmed - standing on the edge, ready to fall - but afraid of the drop. Despite the tingling awareness in his body, Jon was still tense, caught up in his thoughts of what would happen when Kaidan saw - _touched_ \- his scars.

Only...Kaidan wasn’t touching him anywhere else except where their lips were joined, wasn’t pushing for more. His teeth scraped across Shepard’s jaw, followed by the soothing glide of his tongue. Jon angled his head, granting Kaidan access to the tender skin of his neck. In response, Kaidan nuzzled against him, sucking on the pulse point of his neck. The friction of their stubble sliding together sent electric shocks skittering over Jon’s skin, teasing his nerve endings into a frenzy along with what Kaidan was doing with his mouth.

Hot whispered words scorched his skin, “I’ve wanted you since the day in the coffee aisle.”

Body nearly melting at the admission, knees threatening to give out, Jon wrapped a trembling hand around Kaidan's, desperate for something to ground him. Relief washed through him when those fingers squeezed back.

Kaidan’s lips left his, forehead coming to rest against Jon's. Both of them breathing hard, Jon felt warm breath against his lips. “Did I scare you...admitting that?” The voice, smooth as whiskey, now hoarse with desire, fanned the flames in Jon’s blood.

“No,” the word came out on a breathy sigh, then honesty won out. “Yes.”

Kaidan gave a soft laugh, the vibrations of which Jon felt against his own chest - almost like they were one. The thought was even more scary.  _Not yet, Jon. Ease up._

Feeling the sudden tension, Kaidan pulled back, eyes capturing Jon’s with concern, “Are you sure, Jon? Because we can stop now. It's okay.”

Despite the doubts and fears Jon was struggling to keep locked away, he _did_ want Kaidan. Most definitely. “I do.” He paused, “I...” a long breath shuddered through him, “just be patient with me Kaidan.”

A hand reached up to gently hold Jon’s face. Brown eyes, calm and caring, searched his own, smoky voice soft, even in the quiet of the room, “If you want to take a minute or if you want to stop completely, it's okay.”

Jon didn’t want to take a minute. As for stopping? The answer was a definite _no._ Wrapping an arm around Kaidan, Jon pulled him forward. Leaning in, he stopped suddenly - shy and unsure. Their lips were so close, warm breath mingling together between them. Then Jon moved a half inch more and their lips touched, a hitch in Kaidan’s breath making his heart skip a beat.

As they kissed, Jon allowed his other senses to come alive in a way he never had before. He could hear Kaidan’s rapid breathing, feel the warmth of his skin, the rapid beating of his heart, smell his cologne - fresh and clean like the ocean. They parted again to catch their breath and Jon could only stand there, eyes closed, lost in the moment.

Letting his feelings guide him, ignoring the doubts struggling to surface, Jon reached down and grabbed the hem of his shirt, pulling it up and over his head. It was caught in his fingertips for a brief moment before falling to the floor. He froze, could barely breathe. Jon wondered what Kaidan thought as he took in his scars, the result of one tragic moment which had branded him for life.

It was like he didn’t even see them.

Warm, callused fingers brushed lightly down Jon’s chest. He trembled, brain short circuiting. It had been so long since someone had touched him like he was being touched now. A whimper slipped through his lips when Kaidan’s fingers left his skin. _He wanted more_.

“You’re beautiful, Jon,” Kaidan whispered, heavy-lidded eyes traveling over his body, leaving Jon feverish in their wake.

He resisted the urge to scoff in response. The only beautiful one here was the man before him - even with all of his clothes on.

As Kaidan’s eyes continued to devour him, the silence stretched on and the absence of touch fed the fires of self-doubt. Jon moved to turn away, momentum halted when Kaidan’s hand shot out, wrapping around his arm - the one with the scars. Moving in closer, Kaidan turned Jon’s head back towards him.

“They’re a part of you.”

Showing Jon exactly what he meant, Kaidan cupped his jaw in one hand. Tenderly, a thumb traced his cheekbone, fingers whisper soft, traveling down his neck, grazing along his collarbone. They paused, letting Jon become accustomed to the touch before trailing softly down his arm, skimming directly over the scars. Frozen in place, Jon’s breath caught in his lungs. He was afraid to move, to look into Kaidan’s eyes.

The sensation of Kaidan touching his scars - evidence of the ugly part of him he’d kept hidden for so long - was disorienting. His arm was rigid beneath Kaidan’s hand, barely resisting the urge to yank it away. Tensing his whole body, he struggled not to break free and flee across the room to the safe, dark corner like an animal to lick its wounds. Kaidan’s body moved away from him, leaving goosebumps on his skin from the loss of warmth - and of touch. He turned away, afraid of what he might see in those whiskey brown eyes.

An involuntary gasp slipped from between Jon’s mouth, the sound loud in the quietness of the room. Warm lips kissed their way down his arm, tongue tracing the scars softly. They stopped but only to soothe with words instead, “You’re beautiful, Jon. Every bit of you.”

Jon felt the vibrations of Kaidan’s words against his skin, could almost believe them to be true. He felt like a man who’d wandered the desert for years only to finally stumble into an oasis, thinking it was a mirage. Surely, it would all disappear, just a cruel joke.

Kaidan came back to him for another kiss. The silky tip of his tongue traced along Jon’s lower lip before pulling away. Unable to resist, Jon followed, eager for more. Kaidan’s fingertips danced over his scars for several minutes, before sliding up into his hair, pulling Jon closer, the kiss becoming hungry.

The hunger shattering the last of his doubts, Jon reached down to grasp at the hem of Kaidan’s shirt, pushing it up as his hands skimmed over strong muscles and warm skin. A smile tugged at his lips, hearing a growl in response. Kaidan raised his arms and Jon slid the material the last of the way over his head. The shirt joined his on the floor.

Jon resisted the urge to turn away, to close his eyes. He wanted to see the heated passion in Kaidan’s. He was rewarded by that and more, pupils blown wide with desire. Jon’s fingertips trailed down along heated skin, an indrawn breath in response, feeling the twitch of muscles, saw the rise of goosebumps over smooth skin.

“Jon,” Kaidan moaned his name, hips pushing against him.

“Kaidan…” Jon whispered back, brain unable to form any other words.

He felt a featherlight touch trace along the edge of his jeans, moving lower, Kaidan’s hand palming his length, sliding back and forth. The fire in his veins burst into an inferno.

_Kaidan wanted him._

Wrapping his arm around Kaidan, Jon’s hand made contact with the raised skin of Kaidan's scars. At first, the feel of them didn’t register. When it did, he froze. Eyes widening, blue eyes jerked up to meet Kaidan’s, though he didn’t seem bothered by the touch. In fact, he smiled softly. He seemed to know what Jon was thinking.

“Its okay, Jon. You can touch them.”

To follow through on his words, Kaidan grasped Jon's hand and placed it flat over his scars. Kaidan’s hand covering Jon’s, he moved them together over his scars, showing Jon he was okay with his touch. The scars were just another part of Kaidan who was clearly feeling the effects of Jon's touch.

In answer to the overwhelming thought, Kaidan moved down along Jon’s body as he took to his knees, hands sliding inside his jeans to push them down, pausing briefly to squeeze a handful of muscle. Worried their night would end right there, Jon tried to pull away but Kaidan held him in place, hot mouth against the damp spot of his briefs. Jon was lost, knees threatening to buckle beneath him.

“I want you, Jon,” Kaidan whispered on an exhaled breath, echoing Jon’s thought.

Oh, Jon definitely wanted more. Kaidan letting Jon touch his scars, feel them beneath his fingers, had given him a well of courage to draw from.

Courage coming in the form of removing the rest of his clothes.

The thought actually made him pause, indecisiveness beating against his brain. What if Kaidan took a good long look and decided he didn’t want to be here? Very real doubts cycled through Jon’s brain. Refusing to entertain them, he stepped out of the jeans pooled around his ankles. Grasping his briefs, he tugged them down before throwing them on the growing pile of clothes - mostly his. _I can do this._

Hands fisted at his sides, Jon stood before Kaidan, nothing to hide behind any longer. He waited, expecting the worst. Kaidan’s eyes traveled every inch of his body. A quick glance at Jon’s eyes and he was reaching out, fingertips resting lightly on the scars marring his leg. Those were the worst - ugly and twisted, the flesh ridged and rough. The doctors couldn’t do much and there was a point Jon had put a stop to the surgeries, unable to stomach more of the same.

Gentle lips touched them, moving slowly down his hip. Jon flinched in response, a gasp slipping from his lips. The touch almost brought tears to his eyes, that someone - _Kaidan_ \- wasn’t repulsed by what he saw, what he felt.

Jon felt dizzy with relief, legs trembling. Unable to hold himself up, he sank to the bed. Reaching out, he grasped Kaidan’s chin, tilting it up to gaze into those deep whiskey colored eyes. Maybe it was too soon...but he knew he could love this man. Grasping Kaidan’s arm, Jon pulled him up, centering the man’s body between his legs.

“You have too many clothes, Kaidan,” he whispered, voice hoarse with emotion.

Smiling down at Jon, Kaidan made short work of his clothing, soon as naked as Jon, who couldn’t stop staring at what he saw before him. Kaidan’s body was so damn perfect, Jon could only wonder why he was here. But after those whisper light touches to his own scars, Jon pushed those thoughts away. Tonight wasn’t about comparison. Tonight was about something else entirely.

Jon tugged while leaning backward onto the mattress, feeling it deep beneath him. Kaidan checked his own fall, landing softly against him, a hand to either side of Jon’s head. Jon sucked in a breath as those hips moved against him enticingly. “Need you, Jon,” smokey words slipped out on a breathy moan. Wrapping his legs around Kaidan, a singular thought came to mind. He arched his hips up with need.

“Easy, Jon...we’ll get there,” Kaidan laughed softly.

Jon could tell from the heart beat racing against his own, Kaidan was just as much on the edge. And then Jon’s hands were everywhere at once, fingernails scraping lightly along Kaidan’s back, cupping the firm muscle. He wasn’t sure who moaned louder. His hands slid down muscular thighs, gliding back up and sinking into thick black hair. Tugging gently, their lips met again in a fiery kiss.

Reaching between them, Kaidan’s warm fingers curled around him, sliding up and down slowly, until Jon couldn’t catch his breath. His body arched upwards again, meeting Kaidan’s downward movement. Emboldened and not willing to let him do all the work, Jon pushed at broad shoulders, turning them until the roles were reversed. Deep brown eyes gazed up at him, disoriented.

Jon gave him a predatory smile, no evidence of his earlier anxiety, exploring his way down Kaidan’s body with teeth and tongue. Kaidan hissed, hands fisting in the sheets as Jon’s mouth wrapping around him, tongue swirling and taking him in. The endless dance of movement, up and down...Jon could see the man before him literally come undone.

He was pushed away only to have Kaidan bring them together, facing each other side by side. Jon could gaze into those beautiful brown eyes forever. Kaidan’s hand caressed his sweat damp and overheated skin, tangled in his short, spiky hair. He leaned forward, tongue gliding over a hardened nipple, swirling it in his mouth, teeth nipping lightly. Jon cried out, a bolt of heat shooting straight to his groin. A thumb slid over the head of his erection and he reached out, hand wrapping around Kaidan's length, not about to leave him behind on this ride. Blue eyes locked onto brown, they stroked each other to release, hoarse shouts loud in the quiet room, throats dry with exertion.

Jon lay there, sated, limbs languorous, unwilling to move. He was exhausted, sweaty and sticky now as well but he’d never felt so alive. Reverently, he reached a hand out, moving wisps of Kaidan’s hair from his face. He looked so radiant, so content - so delectably disheveled - Jon’s fingers moved softly over him. Kaidan gave him a sleepy smile.

Jon moved, getting up to find a towel to clean them off before slipping back into bed. Kaidan had moved the blanket to the floor and was sitting up. Jon couldn’t stop looking at him. He knew his heart was in his eyes but didn’t care right now.

“You okay, Jon?”

“Better than.”

The answer got him another smile but Jon was worried. Did Kaidan want to leave now? 

Taking a chance, Jon looked away but couldn’t stop the words from forming, “Stay the night?”

Kaidan’s hand slid across the sheets, fingers wrapping around Jon’s, “I’d love to.”

Closing his eyes, trying to will the strong emotion to stay behind his lids, Jon nodded. He lay down on his side, scars hidden once again. Kaidan moved up behind him, wrapping an arm around Jon, snuggling up as close as he could get. It felt right, like he was meant to be there. Reluctant to say anything more to break the spell, Jon reached down and pulled the sheet over them both. Relaxing in a way he hadn’t for over a year, Jon drifted off to sleep.


	17. Carpe Diem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Some people make you feel safe in this world, not because they understand you deeply, but because they love you despite everything.- Kriti.G_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs:  
> 1\. Adam Lambert - Runnin’  
> 2\. Daughtry - Start of Something Good (it's now their song <3)

Jon came awake in stages, not sure when the last time was he’d slept so deeply. Dawn was just creeping over the cottage, peeking into the room around him with the first flush of morning. He felt...refreshed. For too long, he’d been just as tired when he woke up as when he went to bed. This was a nice change.

The sound of the waves was quiet and gentle, the gauzy curtains fanning softly in the breeze coming through the partially open window. The salty ocean air was a balm to his soul, though the bite of cold had him snuggling deeper underneath the sheet and down comforter.

His body felt heavy and sated in a cozy cocoon of warmth. The fogginess of sleep gradually lifted, Jon becoming aware of something lying across his chest. Brows knitting in confusion, Jon moved, the heavy weight moving with him. His body came up against a solid wall of warmth. Memories came back in a rush - the festival, inviting Kaidan over, finding out about the return messages... _sleeping with Kaidan_.

Jon reached out, finding a hand resting on his scars. For several seconds he couldn’t think. He wanted to throw the hand off of him, scramble from the bed and...hide somewhere.

Then Kaidan moved, his hand rubbing soothing circles on Jon’s chest. The warm, raspy voice, still thick with sleep, whispered in his ear, “Easy, Jon. It’s okay.” Slowly, Jon’s body relaxed. There was no threat. Kaidan moved Jon's hand, fisted against his stomach, and splayed it against his own heart. The steady rhythm of the heartbeat beneath it calmed him further.

_Kaidan was here._

He remembered thinking those very words the night before - in a panic. Now, they brought a small smile to his lips in hopefulness. It startled him a little, though, to think Kaidan wanted to be here with him, wasn’t put off by his scars, inside or out.

Turning to face Kaidan, he found sleepy, half-lidded amber eyes staring back at him. The soft, black hair with faint silver wings was mussed in the morning light, full of curls going in all directions. Jon’s heart thudded against his ribcage and it wasn’t from panic. No, it was for waking up with the amazing man next to him in bed.

Reaching out, he brushed the curls back from where they’d fallen over Kaidan’s forehead, a thumb gliding softly over a cheekbone before he leaned in to kiss those beautifully scarred lips. He could get used to these kinds of mornings.

* * *

Time had a way of marching on, regardless of those who wanted to savor every minute. It was New Year’s and Jon wasn’t sure what he and Kaidan were planning for the night. A lovely week long break in the weather had come and everyone was enjoying being able to get around town again. Jon was certainly not complaining about the heavy snows which had essentially kept the two indoors.

They’d spent their time getting to know each other better, talking about anything and everything, reading books together and discussing them afterwards, watching the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies, drinking, snuggling...lots of sex. Jon was much more comfortable with his scars than ever before. He didn’t plan on streaking down the beach anytime soon but he was perfectly okay with Kaidan seeing them now.

Jon smiled to himself as he looked out towards the ocean. New Year’s Eve and the day was cold but with a sunny, clear blue sky. To think he’d planned on completely giving up one night. It seemed a lifetime ago and yet, wasn’t even quite a year past. He’d changed in so many ways and was actually enjoying life - at least with Kaidan by his side. The man was his anchor and while Jon knew he’d have to sail on his own soon...for right now, they were both content where they were.

Glancing around his cottage, he saw a new life unfolding. There were influences of Kaidan in some places - minimal but Jon new what to look for. One was specific - the messages from the bottle. All of them were framed now and hung on the wall. Jon stared at them at least a dozen times a day to remind him of what life could give you even in the worst of times.

Jon heard the unmistakable sound of his phone in the other room, limp slight as he moved quickly in order to reach it before the ringing stopped. He was a bit out of breath when he answered, “Hello?”

“Hey, Jon. I was calling to…” Kaidan paused in mid sentence, “wait, are you...” the velvety voice lowered an octave, “do I make you breathless?”

Jon swallowed but it certainly wasn’t from nervousness. The sound of the man's voice made him breathless...among other things. It was impossible to think straight. Refusing to admit it, he hedged, “Kaidan, I just limped my way from another room to grab the phone.”

“Uh-huh…” the tone of voice suggested Kaidan didn’t believe him at all. “Well, I wanted to see if you’d like to meet a bunch of us at Archangel’s? Tali, Liara, Steve, Edi and Joker will all be there. Well, and of course-”

“Yes, Kaidan, I’d love to.”

“-will be there because, you know, they work there and-”

“Kaidan…”

“-but I know how you feel about-”

“KAIDAN-” Jon was struggling not to laugh. He was all kinds of adorable when flustered.

“...yeah?”

“I said, I’d love to.”

“Oh. Oh! Okay then...um, yeah...we’re meeting there at seven. You, uh...you sure, Jon?”

He hoped Kaidan could hear his smile through the phone, “Never been more sure about anything in my life, Kaidan.”

“I...uh....” clearing his throat, Kaidan spoke again, “I’ll see you there then.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

The rest of the day was spent in a pleasant haze, a permanent smile fixed on Jon’s face. He could honestly say he was truly looking forward to spending time with Kaidan and the rest of his friends - no, _their_ friends. Not sure quite how it all happened, Jon had found another family, a tight-knit one, to be a part of.

Waiting not a strong point of Jon’s when it came to spending time with Kaidan, it was finally time to go. He’d spent the better part of an hour trying to decide what to wear. Some of the shirts in his closet were Kaidan’s, left here over the last few weeks. Nearly all of his own shirts were long-sleeved to cover the scars. On impulse, he decided on the blue, short sleeved v-neck of Kaidan’s. It was the one he’d worn to their dinner at The Oval Lobster. Throwing his leather jacket on over it, Jon slipped on a pair of scuffed, black combat boots.

Looking in the mirror, he was starting to like what he saw. He’d never really, truly liked his own image, always wondering why nobody wanted him- thinking it was because of how he looked. For a short time, after he’d lived with Anderson, he’d overcome those painful self-image issues. Then it had all been swept away by pain and anger, insecurities coming back with the scars he now wore. Kaidan was helping him find the person Anderson had seen, as was their circle of friends. They often gave him a hard time but Jon was learning to find his footing in the midst of it all.

Running a hand through his hair, he debated on whether he should start shaving it again. Memories surfaced - _strong hands, gentle fingers gliding through softly, tugging on it in the heat of passion_. Maybe he’d keep it for awhile. Laughing at the man in the mirror - the one with the bright smile and clear blue eyes, a faint tinge of pink on his cheeks - he was glad to be where he was in life now. It had been a hell of a ride to get where he was now. The good times, the bad - the night he’d almost given up, riding the tide out to the ocean - and all the times in between.

Jon wouldn’t change it, thinking about what he had now.

Grabbing his keys, there was a spring, even in his slightly awkward gait, on the way to the jeep. Once at Archangel’s, there was a trickle of apprehension as Jon opened the door to the bar. Would Kaidan be there already or not? Would everyone turn and stare at him as he entered? Pushing the unease away, he wasn’t going to think negative thoughts. Not tonight.

Besides, if anyone would be here, they’d be upstairs already. He was fashionably late by fifteen minutes, determined not to be the first one to arrive and end up looking too eager.

“You’re late.”

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Jon turned to Garrus. “What are you, the welcoming committee? I’m here, aren’t I?” The potential sting of his words was eased with a smile.

“Well, I am the owner of this-”

“-fine establishment. Yeah, might’ve heard the phrase a time or two. Doesn’t explain why you’re waiting to pounce on me the minute I walk through the door.”

A throaty voice growled in his ear, "I’ll be the only one doing the pouncing in regards to you.”

It was a testament to Jon's comfort with Kaidan, keeping him from reacting to his sudden appearance from behind. Instead, he was able to turn with a smile, eyes finding Kaidan’s in the dim light, “Mmmm, I like the idea.”

“Alright, save it for later. We’ve got some betting going on upstairs,” Garrus issued a challenge. “For those willing, of course.”

“Oh, I’m willing.” Jon was eager for a challenge. 

Kaidan nipped his ear, “I can attest to that.”

“ _Gross_. Get a fucking room or get your asses upstairs. Now.” Jack walked out from the kitchen, a couple of trays of appetizers in hand as well as a bottle of Everclear under her arm.

“Bossy, isn’t she? Clearly been into the Everclear already.” Jon chuckled, Jack’s fierce stare boring a hole through him. He wasn’t intimidated by her. Never had been he assured himself. _Yeah, right._ Jon snorted. _Shut up, Ash._

Her voice was in his head less and less. While it filled him with sadness, he knew it was better - a clean break. She was well and truly gone and he was better off letting her go instead of trying to follow her himself. He would hold on to the good memories now.

Kaidan grabbed his hand, heading for the stairs, “We better go.”

“Damn right, you better, or you won't have to worry about ever having kids.”

Jon winced, seeing it echoed in Kaidan’s face. Yep, time to go. He wouldn’t put it past Jack to follow up on what she promised. She’d revel in it, too. No doubts there. 

Upstairs, everyone greeted both he and Kaidan with hugs, back slaps, hand shakes as well as good natured teasing. Jon let it all wash over him without pulling him under. The night was everything he could have hoped for - even with the sarcasm and quips tossed back and forth. In many ways, it was like his family of former squadmates.

Jon deferred to Kaidan in taking Jack on in a game of pool, though of course Jon’s money was on his boyfriend. Jack tried to distract Kaidan with snarky comments and bold innuendoes, doing her best to get him to blush and stammer in order to make his shots go wild. All of it to no avail.

Kaidan was smooth and very good at the game. Jon smiled as he looked at his lover’s body stretched over the table, a very fine ass in his sights. Oh, he could certainly attest to just how smooth and good the man was.

Vega had put money in the jukebox sitting in the corner, picking through the songs. The first one played out over the room-

 

_I’ve been standing here my whole life_

_Everything I’ve seen twice_

_Now it’s time I realized_

_It’s spinning back around now_

_On this road I’m crawlin’_

_Save me 'cause I’m fallin’_

_Now I can’t seem to breathe right_

_'Cause I keep runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin'_

_Runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin'_

_Runnin' from my heart_

_Oh, I’m coming alive_

_Oh, I’ll wake up now and live_

_Oh, I’m coming alive_

_A life that’s always been a dream_

_I’ll wake up now and live_

 

Electric blue eyes watched Kaidan as the words from the song drifted through the air, Jon feeling the words reach the deep, dark spaces inside. Without even realizing he was doing it, Jon stood up and unzipped his leather jacket, taking it off to drape it over the chair. It had gotten quite warm in the room.

With music suddenly the only sound in the room, Jon turned to look around him, a quizzical expression on his face. He was wondering what the cause of the sudden silence could be. Every pair of eyes was trained on him. His throat tightened up, heart starting to race. His palms became clammy. _No, please, not tonight._

Garrus coughed and suddenly, everyone was back to what they’d been doing and Jon felt bewildered at the sudden change but at least he could breathe again. Fingers trembling, he sat down, Garrus thrusting a shot of whiskey in his hands. “Drink.”

Well, if he insisted. Jon figured he could use it anyway. He closed his eyes in pleasure, feeling the amber liquid rushing through his veins, warming his body inside.

“Hmmm, I like that look. Wonder what I can do to replicate it.”

Jon smiled, opening crystal blue eyes to stare at the ones reminding him of the amber in his glass, “I could think of a few things.”

Kaidan leaned over, brushed his lips against Jon’s.

“I told you two to get a room, assholes.”

They pulled apart reluctantly. Jon concurred, “So you did but I’d hate for you to miss out on our displays of affection. Wouldn’t want you to feel deprived or anything.”

Jack snorted, shaking her head. “Screw you,” and under her breath, “dorks.”

Jon smiled, hearing it anyway. Kaidan wrapped an arm around him and leaned in close, whispering in his ear, “My shirt looks really good on you, Jon.”

Ears turning red, he mumbled, “I liked knowing you’d worn it.”

The other man chuckled, the warm sound wreaking havoc on Jon’s body, breath tickling his ear, “Mmmm, I like how that sounds. But...you do realize it’s a short sleeved t-shirt, right?”

Ahhh...it explained what the sudden silence was about. Lips curving upwards, “Yeah, I knew it when I put chose the shirt.”

Kaidan squeezed his shoulder and Jon could feel warm lips curve against his ear in an answering smile. It was Kaidan’s turn to shoot again and Jon admired the body in front of him, well-defined muscles flexing as he lined up a shot. Kaidan was on a roll, pocketing another solid.

At the jukebox, one song ended and the buzzing of conversation grew louder in the silence. Drum beats led into another song, a little slower than the last few. It sounded familiar to Jon but he couldn’t quite place it. As the words became clear, Jon followed them silently in his head, not wanting to break Jack’s concentration.

Then, out of the blue, the words hit him. Jon’s eyes found Kaidan’s across the table, mouthing the words quietly.

 

_You never know when you're gonna meet someone_

_And your whole wide world, in a moment, comes undone_

_You're just walking around then suddenly_

_Everything that you thought that you knew about love is gone_

_You find out it's all been wrong_

_And all my scars don't seem to matter anymore_

_'Cause they led me here to you_

_I know that it's gonna take some time_

_I've got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind_

_That this might end up like it should_

_And I'm gonna say what I need to say_

_And hope to God that it don't scare you away_

_Don't want to be misunderstood_

_But I'm starting to believe that_

_This could be the start of something good_

 

Jack hit the eight ball and won the game, crowing in delight. Kaidan never even noticed. Jon watched as the gorgeous, kind and caring man came to stand in front of him. Strong, warm hands rested on his legs.

Jon stared into the face of the man he adored, the man he loved so completely. A feeling he’d never known any other time in his life slammed through him, taking his breath away. _He was home._ Well and truly home as long as Kaidan was beside him. Vision blurring at the force of his emotion, he closed his eyes, trying to breathe to calm himself down. Wouldn’t do to fall apart in front of his new family.

Whispered words ghosted over his skin, fingers trailing up both of his arms, “Jon, you are the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Gentle, soft lips closed over his and they both ignored the catcalls, jibes and Jack’s disgruntled voice in the background. Pulling back just a fraction, Jon told him, “I love you, Kaidan.”

Those beautiful brown eyes gazed back at him full of emotion, soft lips tipping up in a gentle smile, “I love you too, Jon.”


End file.
